5 weeks remain til next chapter starts

[istherehope]

Thanks Daisy,

I do feel utterly devastated. I didn't sleep at all last night, and I just don't know what I should do. I'm here in this purgatory of sorts now, with my career on life support, in a place where I don't want to be at all and it is so hard not to just give up. I am fighting a battle for someone who doesn't seem to want to be with me, and every day seems to get worse not better. The nicer and more supportive I am, the more he pulls away even though he acknowledges my support.

Yes the session with H should be "interesting". I am worried as to me it sounds like H has clarity, and that he just knows he doesn't want me. I hate that whole guilt-ridden "I just want you to be happy" thing. He always told me if he ever got me to be with me, he would never let me go, that I was his gift, his precious, his miracle. WTH? One bout of depression and that all dies and he thinks he needs to be alone? I never thought this would happen, and I really don't know how much longer I can do this without any rays of hope. If he would even tell me that he needed 3 more months but was willing to work on things during that time, I would feel calmer. He can't even tell me that. He is just being so hurtful and I have given up so much for him and the relationship. I feel like if I don't go back to Dublin soon, we will not have any hope. I think without being around me, his hope for being able to be with me dies. I feel like he has been lying to me the whole time about trying to work things out with me, just not to hurt my feelings.

I guess I can hold out until the call with Jody, and then I have an individual one with her the next night, but I don't know about after that. I really don't. I hope Jody will have some insight into this, because I am starting to worry that I won't be able to make it through without going into the same bout of depression as H has, only difference is that I wouldn't have a supportive spouse around to give me what I needed. I also know that I have to pretend, act as-if, and not let him see how truly devastated I am. Is it not OK for him to know though that his actions have far-reaching consequences that he should really think through more clearly? It's like he is the only one that matters now, and we ARE married.

I know too that it is possible he meant his email in a much different way than I am interpreting it, but since I don't want to have an R talk, it's not possible for me to know. I just really pray that this will be the last of these emails. He always says he'll try to write more. That is the very last thing that I want and need.

And by the way the IM conversation last night was about things like iPods, and books, the classes he is taking, and he called me a couple of nicknames during it. He even said goodbye when he signed off. That would have been normal behavior when we were together, but now he is acting as though we are not. I don't understand what he wants from me??? I'm afraid that if I ask he'll say something really bad like , "just to be happy no matter what".

OK this is probably as much spew as a WAS gives out, but I really, really need some help here if anyone has ideas or has gotten similar communication. I need a ray of hope that I don't feel like I have.

ITH