I know H doesn't blame me for most things anymore, but now he is obsessively reading all of these self-help books about not being co-dependent etc. I think he is taking this to the extreme now, and thinks he needs to be alone in order to be a whole person. Blaming himself is almost worse, because he thinks he is not capable of being around me, that he cannot be good to me. Ugh. I know I am reading a lot into this email, but it makes me sick to my stomach. I feel like with each passing week, he is more resolute on the need to be alone. I feel like I have been doing everything right, and that it is actually making him move away from me even more. It's hard not to believe that it wouldn't be better if I could just have a real conversation about how things could be different.
At this point my 180 is being supportive and giving space, but I'm seeing where this leads, and it seems to lead to him preferring the space to me. And then on IM he was using a couple of nicknames for me, not the sweet ones, but nicknames nonetheless. I am incredibly, incredibly confused. I don't know how long to give this. What else can I possibly do while away to show him that living with me would be different now, to show that he would get the space? I think at this point if I just showed up like Jody suggested, he would not forgive me.
Does anyone think this could all change in the next few weeks? H cares about me even if he doesn't think he loves me, and this is why he sends these mails I believe. I feel like he is just trying to prepare me for what he seems to already think is the final outcome. He has always said things like, "I just hope we can find a solution that brings us both peace." I don't think any of his actions have shown a willingness to try. It's as-if he is purposely ignoring all of the good things and this whole thing is only about him.
I know I am being really negative, but I can't see the positives here. "I need to continue to be alone" sounds like something permanent. Why wouldn't he have given reference to a timeline otherwise, like saying he might need more time? If he had done this, I would have felt better. I just don't understand how he could possibly think communication like this is helpful in any way being preparing me. Why can't he offer even 1 positive thing, 1 ray of hope? I feel like I am out of options. I have tried everything in my arsenal. I don't know what other 180s there could possibly be. I have been out of the house for 7 weeks during which time he has become more and more closed to the idea of being with me, not the other way around.
I won't respond to the email until tomorrow. I think I do need to respond as Jody had suggested validating the positives in these kinds of emails. I will try the validation, and will try ignoring the parts that are negative. Honestly I am not sure how much more of this I can take. When I get back to Dublin I don't know whether I should tell him I am going to move back to the US or what I should do. I am feeling like I am back at square 1 only worse. In square 1 I had more hope. I think this time apart has been a disaster for the relationship.
I really hope he doesn't send any more of these emails, or respond to my response. I was avoiding R talks, why can't he? Sorry for all the negativity, but it's 530 AM here, I can't sleep, and I really don't know how I'm going to make it through these next few weeks here in limboland.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I am sad that you are feeling so distressed. I wish I knew what to say to comfort you. I just think you need to breathe and wait it out until your next session with Jody, that call with your H in on the line too should get you some clarity as to what he is thinking. He still sounds very very confused to me and that is a good thing. It is painful and scary but as long as he stays confused the longer you have to DB. Does that make sense?
I know you are hurting but you are doing everything right. Just try to read through your past posts and see if there is anything you can gain from hindsight.
I do feel utterly devastated. I didn't sleep at all last night, and I just don't know what I should do. I'm here in this purgatory of sorts now, with my career on life support, in a place where I don't want to be at all and it is so hard not to just give up. I am fighting a battle for someone who doesn't seem to want to be with me, and every day seems to get worse not better. The nicer and more supportive I am, the more he pulls away even though he acknowledges my support.
Yes the session with H should be "interesting". I am worried as to me it sounds like H has clarity, and that he just knows he doesn't want me. I hate that whole guilt-ridden "I just want you to be happy" thing. He always told me if he ever got me to be with me, he would never let me go, that I was his gift, his precious, his miracle. WTH? One bout of depression and that all dies and he thinks he needs to be alone? I never thought this would happen, and I really don't know how much longer I can do this without any rays of hope. If he would even tell me that he needed 3 more months but was willing to work on things during that time, I would feel calmer. He can't even tell me that. He is just being so hurtful and I have given up so much for him and the relationship. I feel like if I don't go back to Dublin soon, we will not have any hope. I think without being around me, his hope for being able to be with me dies. I feel like he has been lying to me the whole time about trying to work things out with me, just not to hurt my feelings.
I guess I can hold out until the call with Jody, and then I have an individual one with her the next night, but I don't know about after that. I really don't. I hope Jody will have some insight into this, because I am starting to worry that I won't be able to make it through without going into the same bout of depression as H has, only difference is that I wouldn't have a supportive spouse around to give me what I needed. I also know that I have to pretend, act as-if, and not let him see how truly devastated I am. Is it not OK for him to know though that his actions have far-reaching consequences that he should really think through more clearly? It's like he is the only one that matters now, and we ARE married.
I know too that it is possible he meant his email in a much different way than I am interpreting it, but since I don't want to have an R talk, it's not possible for me to know. I just really pray that this will be the last of these emails. He always says he'll try to write more. That is the very last thing that I want and need.
And by the way the IM conversation last night was about things like iPods, and books, the classes he is taking, and he called me a couple of nicknames during it. He even said goodbye when he signed off. That would have been normal behavior when we were together, but now he is acting as though we are not. I don't understand what he wants from me??? I'm afraid that if I ask he'll say something really bad like , "just to be happy no matter what".
OK this is probably as much spew as a WAS gives out, but I really, really need some help here if anyone has ideas or has gotten similar communication. I need a ray of hope that I don't feel like I have.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Also here's my draft email if anyone has thoughts. As background, one of H's main issues is that he felt like he couldn't talk to me. Also, Jody had suggested praising his efforts at self-help:
Thanks for letting me know how you are doing. I'm glad you feel like you can talk to me more now. This is really important to me. You seem to have so much more energy and enthusiasm now than even a few weeks ago. Whatever you are doing is definitely working!
Don't feel guilty about taking this time for yourself. I've taken a page from your book and decided to take this time apart to work on myself too. I saw that there were a lot of things I needed to change, things that would be damaging both to the relationship and to myself.
I'm definitely converting for me. You led me to Judaism and have been teaching me a lot about it, which is great, but the final decision was for myself.
3 countries each, so now you won't have one up on me anymore ;). Looking forward to that painting! I have 2 up in my room already.
ITH
Any thoughts? I'm ignoring the being alone comments, pointing out that he can now talk to me, praising his efforts, showing I've learned from him, and trying to sound happy and upbeat, even though I am anything but.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Also at any point do I offer to go to his IC sessions with him or is that overkill?
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Also at any point do I offer to go to his IC sessions with him or is that overkill?
No, they are for him.
I'm not sure about the wording of the email. I'll ponder on it. Are you still up for coming to London? OR are you unable to now cos of the budget? I wondered if it might cheer you up while you're in Poland?
I would love to come to London, but yes it's the budget that's an issue. I may just do it anyway though, and not be completely open about it to H, tell him that it's for work. I hate to be dishonest, so actually maybe if I just said nothing and let him ask about it if and when he saw it that would be better.
Are you around next weekend?
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Also I think I will send that email out in the next hour or so. We have some stupid offsite today so I'm leaving here in an hour. I'll send the email then not be online for the afternoon so he can't try to message with me or anything...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I'm glad you feel like you can talk to me more now. This is really important to me. You seem to have so much more energy and enthusiasm now than even a few weeks ago.
I wouldn't say this. You don't have to vocalise that you like that he can talk to you, he already feels like he can because you are making it safe to do so - saying it will put pressure on him. Have a think about a new 1st paragraph - you could mention something about the pets being excited to see him at lunchtime?? Keep it light.
Quote:
Don't feel guilty about taking this time for yourself. I've taken a page from your book and decided to take this time apart to work on myself too. I saw that there were a lot of things I needed to change, things that would be damaging both to the relationship and to myself.
Instead of this I would write something like
'I understand that you feel guilty about taking this time for yourself but I've taken a page from your book and decided to use this time to work on myself and I too am also getting a lot out of it.
Part of this time for me is really thinking about my conversion to Judaism. You led me to it and taught me a lot about it (it fulfills me? - sorry I don't want to write this bit for you as it is your personal choice but I am just turning the words around a bit for greater impact, you don't want it to seem like it was a light decision because it isn't) but the final decision was for myself.
3 countries each, so now you won't have one up on me anymore ;). Looking forward to that painting! I have 2 up in my room already.'
The reason that I changed the ‘don't feel guilty’ is because you don't want to tell him how to feel, you want to validate. I also got from his email that he is questioning whether you are converting to Judaism just for him and I thought painting yourself in a negative light by saying
Quote:
I saw that there were a lot of things I needed to change, things that would be damaging both to the relationship and to myself
you could *show* him you are using this time by talking about Judaism and that you are working on you.
