She still denies it...but evidence leans otherwise. She is sooo strange.
I had a surgical procedure today and did not want her around. Instead, I had my mom take me. My wife called several times, but I ignored her until early afternoon. I text her that everything is fine and later called to speak to the kids. I stayed away until after dinner then came home.
She was upset that my contact with her was nominal as she was concerned and worried about me. I was a bit shocked and suprised to hear this especially the way she has been treating me over the past few weeks.
I am of course not reading too much into this, but we did argue a bit about maintaining respect to one another as well as avoiding conflict in front of the kids. Afterwatds, we then became civil, but she was again was cold and emotionless as well as stating again she did nothing this Summer.
I am trying to avoid regular contact with her, but it is tough while we still live under the same roof. She also satted that I should be the one to file the divorce papers, but I refused, as I am not the one that wants the divorce. Also, she thinks I am getting out of the house soon, but she is solely mistaken. (Even though we worked out a financial arrangement--she need a couple of dollars for the kids to have lunch at school--I gave it to her. Im such a pushover and need to stop!!)
Stage 1 is tough as its hard to be emotionless and disconnected while seeing her everyday. Complete avoidance is impossible, but I will continue to try.
As I sit here in the early morning..... I wonder what has become of my wife. All the trust is gone and I feel betrayed. She says something and I no longer believe her.
Even though she said she went to the boardwlk to go for a morning walk...as she had for the past few weeks, I just keep thinking that she's doing something else...meeting up with someone.I know I need to let go... but its hard...I had opened my heart and my soul to this woman for 20 years and its damn near impossible to shut it.
She wants me to file the divorce papers as she doesn't really have any grounds. (NY is a fault State). She said that its up to me...if I want to drag this out. Its funny as she wants me out and gone... but at this point hasn't filed papers.
I sit in limbo and wait for the next event. Why do I still care and actually have feelings for her?? She hurt me deeply and don't think I could ever reconcile. My friends and family would kill me if I ever did.
Day 4 of the detachment. It is tough to do this....... We needed to set up a parenting schedule. I tried to be nice and brought home dinner and sat down with her to discuss an amicable schedule. Even though she was very nasty and unpleasant, I remained calm and isisted that she remain respectful.
I was again stupid and checked the cell phone account to see who she has been talking to. Of course its good old Ben..the man I believe she had a relationship with while at Camp. She is going to visit her Aunt and Uncle in Virginia when my nephew has his bar mitzvah, but I know she will be visiting Ben who lives in NC. I was upset at first, but can not control this. (Its freaky thinking of your wife with someone else, but guess she is no longer my wife.)
The more calm I am, the more upset she gets. I am going to see all of my childrens teachers tomorrow. I know my wife already spoke to them in anticipation of what I will be saying. She doesn't realize that I am going to be extremely respectful and very humble---requesting that they look out for the best interests of my children and use their respective expertise to help them.
I do not know why if I think I am respectful, that she will respond in like kind. She is upset and wants to move the divorce along quickly. I am not in any rush as I am not in any hurry to leave the home of my children.
I need to keep getting stronger day by day and focus on me.....I am very doubtful that this could be turned around nor am I really interested in trying to save the marriage at this juncture. I feel betrayed and hurt as she has been abusing me for many years. I am now insisting that she respect me and include me in the daily decisions of the children. Even though my daily and active participation with the children is new to me, I am enjoying it despite the crazines at the office. I am actually learning to place things in its proper perspective for the first time. Amazing how crisis forces you to change!!
Yes I still hurt and miss our relationship, but as each day passes, I realize that a better day lies ahead.....
Robert, it seems you are very new to this so I want to put my 0.02 worth in. First, you HAVE to GAL. This is a must. You will not heal or move past the betrayal of your W until you do this. I sat around for 2 months after I found out about my STBXH A and did nothing but think about what he did to me and our family. You keep wondering if your W having an A. I can tell you that the signs point to an EA at least, but that doesnt matter right now. She is lost and her self confidence is low. She is using external stimulas to pump herself up to feel good. You have heard it many times before...the OM is just a drug. Really, he is. Dont focus on that, focus on you and your children.
Ths first things you need to do is GAL. Then, you need to go out and do things that make you happy and smile. People are drawn to happy people. I'm not telling you to do this in order to "win" your W back, but so you can find peace in your heart, but this also helps to bring the WAW back. Dress nice, buy some new, younger looking clothes. THis will help your confidence as well. Again, for you, not for her , but she will notice it. Stop asking about her day, how she is doing what she is up to. This is so that you can learn to live your life on your own, but sometimes it has the effect of making the WAS start to miss us...dont do it for that reason though, do it for you.
You are still in the same trap many of us get into (myself included on many occasions) which is constantly watching to see if your spouce might come back. This is going to hurt, so brace yourself. I did not want to believe it when others said it to me, but it is true....as long as there is OP in the picture, ther is NO chance at R. She is not capable of fixing a relationship while building a new one. Do not let this discourage you. Look at it as this time has been given to you alone to grow and fix yourself. There is always room for growth in each and everyone of us. When her R with OM ends (and trust me it will end) then you will be at a healthy place to see if you even want to try and work on things with her. You may have grown so much that you can see that it just no longer is worth it. Please, for yourself, take this time to build YOU. Do things that bring a smile to YOUR face, and not because you think she would like it also. Be selfish in what you need to heal, and try to put her as far from your heart as possible. This will allow you the distance to see things as they really are and to eventually forgive her for the EA.
I'm so sorry you are joining us here, but stay strong. You are doing well. It just takes time AND work on our parts to make it through this.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
I am trying to take life day by day. It seems like an eternity as I am still in the house which makes it difficult to avoid speaking or interacting as we see each other every day and also with the kids.
It was hard making a parenting schedule as I tried to be fair, but she was very nasty and very paranoid that any thing that I did had a secret purpose. I did remain calm throughout the process, and am now reviewing her changes.
One thing that did upset me was the fact that certain mutual friends she is setting up as her own. That is sad and will cause irreperable damage to relationships, as she spends time with the children and these people in which I will no longer be included. I understand that certain friends will choose sides--that is inevitable. Nevertheless, its sad that long term friendships will be lost due to the impending divorce.
It is also discomforting that even though through the lawyers, we have worked current living, financial and parenting arrangements, that it cannot last forever. The feeling of uncertainty and of the unknown is extremely discomforting. She is insistent to move on as quickly as possible,even though I continue to cover all household expenses, pay her a weekly stipend and spend significant time with the children despite my intense obligations as an attorney.
It is to my advantage to move slowly and methodically to continue working on myself, get my "ducks in a row" financially and at work as well as building a stronger and more signifacnt relationship with the children. She fears that the longer I am around, that I am up to something.
I do fear that she will be deparate if this continues too long and she will make up a story that I physically threatened or actually abused her. She already tried to do this the day we decided to end it by purposefully falling down the stairs and screaming "Why did you push me??"
I was told to keep a tape recorder around, but its difficult to have it on me at all hours. Nevertheless, this is her one significant trump card, but she must be careful as her having me forceably removed will cause a problems with me practicing as an attorney which will in turn create financial distress for herself and the children. I do not know how desperate or "stupid" she could become.
She wants me to file the divorce papers as it appears that she has no actual grounds--(NY is a fault state). Her filing first could lead to significant legal fees for the both of us as I will have no choice but to counterclaim et al. I am suprised that she hasn't filed yet, but I am certain that she will reach a point where she will initiate.
As I sit here at 5AM... I will be ready to go jogging soon-- 20 lbs lost in the past 5 weeks. I also like the fact that I am using contacts and feel 10 years younger. Unfortunately, events at the office continue to be crazy and there appears to be no letup in my current litigation with my prior firm, nor the fact that other litigation reagrding a large fee is also heating up. The old adage of "What doesn't kill you, will make you stronger" is certainly appropriate. I wish it just didn't have to happen all at once.
I'm in the exact same boat as you with the exception of my W says she still loves me. Yet she is living a OM while we have "joint custody" of our kids.
It's a long ride, you're just getting started the ride gets worse if you let consume you so keep doing what your doing to keep you mind off of it. Otherwise it WILL deteriorate your R with your kids. I've emotionally lost one of mine and the other needs counceling now because I let it consume me and devoted no time when they were "visiting" with me.
Please, be strong for them and through that you will be strong for yourself.
Hang in there.
dday
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
The following day, i called the police, but they don't take such reports. Nevertheless, i have tghe officer's name and info in case the issue ever arises. Of all the things that do scare me, the possibility of her getting desperate is something that i fear the most.
As for my 3 kids, i had extremely productive meetings with all of their respective teachers this AM. Everyone was sympathetic and i was extremely humble--seeking their guidance and advice.
I am sorry D-Day that you are having problems with the kids. i am trying my best to focus all my energies on them as well as myself. (I am doing this while working intense hours as a partner in large firm as well as dealing with unrelated litigation. I hate 2008!!!!--thats my motto)
I have plans to go out to dinner and a few beers with a friend tonight. One of my clients is having an informal gathering at a restauaranrt nearby. Anything i can do to keep my mind occupied is essential. (She is going out to do...whatever....)
I just stood up to my wife and told her that we could not afford another after school program for the kids. we were already extended financially, as well as having to pay for the divorce, and she wants to keep on going since i have to pay for it.
if we were still together, i would have found some way to make it work out, but i can no longer make these herculean efforts on her behalf. I have been enabling her for years. that has been my fault as i allowed this to occur regularly.
i will learn to say no and stand behind my decisions. Another hopeful step to improving myself..........
