Hey Maxy, this dialog is helpful, so thanks. What you say makes sense.
I'm sorry it got to be so black-and-white with your husband. Blame and shame are killers of good feelings.
You know, I did say the things you suggested, in the beginning. And not just "say them", I lived them, believed them. I believed that I had a role to play, and I had a responsibility to do things to rebuild. I apologized so many times for my faults, my errors, my failings. I went to individual counseling to work on my own stuff. I talked to her specifically about what she wanted of me. I told her that our marriage was worth working on, was recoverable. And I lived true to that belief.
I had great mercy for her, because she had grown up with an alcoholic mother and her father basically abandoned her. I learned only now, that a childhood like that is like a ticking time bomb, waiting to go off. Not having a father around to praise her, or worse, having a father that actively ignored her... that is a recipe for a deep lack of self-esteem. You know if you don't get enough calcium when you are young, your bones will be brittle for a long long time. And if you don't get enough love when you are young, you can be fragile for a long, long time. So I never thought of it as "my wife is evil" but rather "my wife is under severe pain."
But even after airing everything out, after counseling... she never stopped with the other guy. I asked her to stop, and then I did not question her about it again. But then she'd tell me, or the OM's wife would tell me, about another contact. A date, an email, a phone call. She never stopped. She never gave him up. She knew the stakes. She knew it meant the end of our marriage. She just didn't want to be married any more. Couldn't stay.
I don't take that as a personal attack. It's just her way of communicating on a difficult topic. Her way of saying "I want out. Now!"
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I could take full responsibility for M breakdown but i think it would eventually choke me.
How horrible for you! And, yes, I think this is exactly what is going on with my wife. This is it, precisely. She is overwhelmed by guilt. I didn't figure out a way to light a path for her back towards forgiveness. I asked for her to accept responsibility, and she never did. Never could. Not once. It was, I am guessing, scary as hell to her.
Even now I feel very sorry that she feels she has to demonize me to justify herself. We're not just divorcing, see. She's destroying all the memories. Criminalizing me. Just such a shame. I am so full of regret that we've broken up the family, that the kids will never have a mom and dad to welcome them home from college, or to pick them up from the police station when they get arrested, or to walk them down the aisle of the wedding chapel. I regret all of that. A crying shame. Literally.
Yes, I miss them TODAY and every day, but what is really sad is the effects of this breakup through time on young innocents. So sad.
My kids don't hate me, don't fear me, but yet I am not permitted to phone them. It's a horrible situation. I worry that my daughters will turn out like my wife - suffering from lack of father attention when they are young, leading to shaky relationships later.
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But let's talk about YOU!
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I find it hard to live for today when I am so frustrated with my situation. I am not where I thought I would be .
I feel knotted inside and confused .
I know just what you mean. Exactly. It's like you are channeling me, from 8 months ago.
I don't know how to tell you to get off that spot, but you must get off that spot. Go away from that place.
You need to find something that makes you happy, ideally lots of things that make you happy. Embrace those things, nurture yourself, take care of yourself.
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In order to stop the pain of loving someone who does not seem to love in return...
Implicit in that statement is that it hurts to love, if someone doesn't love you back. But is that true? Must it be true?
Look, I know it's lonely, and I know what it feels like to be... I don't know... abandoned I guess. That hurts. No two ways about it. But you can love without expecting anything in return. It is a higher love, but it is possible, and it is even fulfilling. Love endlessly, expecting nothing back. Unconditional love.
I don't mean, darn his socks and make him dinner every night. The acts of service are obviously not possible if you are separated. But you can continue to feel love, express love in subtle quiet ways. And you don't have to be eaten up inside when nothing comes back.
But to love someone else, you must love yourself first. You must get to a place where you know you will be ok without him. Not just ok, but you will THRIVE. Despite the loss, which is real, you will thrive.
You can start by focusing on stuff you are good at, stuff that makes you feel good. Cooking? Dancing? Playing the guitar? Volunteer work? Teaching? Gardening? Something to express yourself and nourish your soul. You need to recharge, to rebuild you. Especially now.
Do stuff you love, so you can love you. And then ... others.
At night sometimes I purposefully fantasize about success and happy things. Me doing good things, me succeeding at something I want to do, me spending time with my kids in my own house. Visualization can be very powerful. It's like self-hypnosis almost. But if you can visualize it, imagine it, then you can pursue it. Let's say you love playing guitar and always wanted to play a live show. Visualizing yourself playing guitar on a stage in front of a live audience, is the first step toward realizing the dream.
