I know H doesn't blame me for most things anymore, but now he is obsessively reading all of these self-help books about not being co-dependent etc. I think he is taking this to the extreme now, and thinks he needs to be alone in order to be a whole person. Blaming himself is almost worse, because he thinks he is not capable of being around me, that he cannot be good to me. Ugh. I know I am reading a lot into this email, but it makes me sick to my stomach. I feel like with each passing week, he is more resolute on the need to be alone. I feel like I have been doing everything right, and that it is actually making him move away from me even more. It's hard not to believe that it wouldn't be better if I could just have a real conversation about how things could be different.
At this point my 180 is being supportive and giving space, but I'm seeing where this leads, and it seems to lead to him preferring the space to me. And then on IM he was using a couple of nicknames for me, not the sweet ones, but nicknames nonetheless. I am incredibly, incredibly confused. I don't know how long to give this. What else can I possibly do while away to show him that living with me would be different now, to show that he would get the space? I think at this point if I just showed up like Jody suggested, he would not forgive me.
Does anyone think this could all change in the next few weeks? H cares about me even if he doesn't think he loves me, and this is why he sends these mails I believe. I feel like he is just trying to prepare me for what he seems to already think is the final outcome. He has always said things like, "I just hope we can find a solution that brings us both peace." I don't think any of his actions have shown a willingness to try. It's as-if he is purposely ignoring all of the good things and this whole thing is only about him.
I know I am being really negative, but I can't see the positives here. "I need to continue to be alone" sounds like something permanent. Why wouldn't he have given reference to a timeline otherwise, like saying he might need more time? If he had done this, I would have felt better. I just don't understand how he could possibly think communication like this is helpful in any way being preparing me. Why can't he offer even 1 positive thing, 1 ray of hope? I feel like I am out of options. I have tried everything in my arsenal. I don't know what other 180s there could possibly be. I have been out of the house for 7 weeks during which time he has become more and more closed to the idea of being with me, not the other way around.
I won't respond to the email until tomorrow. I think I do need to respond as Jody had suggested validating the positives in these kinds of emails. I will try the validation, and will try ignoring the parts that are negative. Honestly I am not sure how much more of this I can take. When I get back to Dublin I don't know whether I should tell him I am going to move back to the US or what I should do. I am feeling like I am back at square 1 only worse. In square 1 I had more hope. I think this time apart has been a disaster for the relationship.
I really hope he doesn't send any more of these emails, or respond to my response. I was avoiding R talks, why can't he? Sorry for all the negativity, but it's 530 AM here, I can't sleep, and I really don't know how I'm going to make it through these next few weeks here in limboland.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
