I guess I do take an R for granted at times - one where I didn't have to be the strong one - my relationship with my father.
It was hard for me to see that b/c my mother demonized him for such a long time b/c she has been putting him down for as long as I can remember. My brother still hates my father and will have nothing to do with him. My sister has a "secret" R with him that she keeps my from my mother. My mother demands absolute loyalty - and if she feels that you are not on her side - well she pulls out her weapons of mass destruction. And she has this way of "acting as if" she wants us to have an R with our father - while putting him down in a way that I can't put my finger on...
My father did make a mistake. After his D - he disappeared from out lives for 5 years. He just fell apart and needed time to pull himself back together again. My mother presented that further evidence of how awful he was.
But the truth was that he was always a phone call away if we needed him. And my father has never failed me. And we talked a lot about what happened when he stayed with me during my own D.
He has always believed in me more than I believe in myself. He has never ever thrown any mistake I have ever made in my face. And always lets things go. No score keeping. Unconditional love. And during those times of my life where I really needed someone - he has always been there. I know I can fight with him and it is still okay. No withdrawal of love as punishment for disagreeing.
When my mother is sick - she has to be the center of attention. It is a huge drama. Her problems always become our problems - otherwise it is a sign we don't care. My father had a heart attack and told my aunt to not tell us. I was angry with him for not telling me. But he didn't want to worry us.
The X did bear more of a resemblence to my mother than my father. Maybe I need to believe there are men like my father out there.
