For the Guy with Kids and a WW 12

[hopeful4her]

I say to only judge your wayward spouse's intentions by their actions (not their words), and specifically NOT to count their movement away from the OM/OW, but only back toward the marriage. When I hire people, one of the things i try to determine is, "Are they running TOWARD my company, and this position, or are they running AWAY from something?" Similar dynamic.

But I (and DB) also advocates "doing what's working," and "don't do what's NOT working." So I think you've got it backwards. Why would you change what you were doing, if she were moving back towards the marriage, and therefore, by definition, what you'd been doing had been WORKING????

I took this as "She may still be with OM, but as long as she takes actions to come back to the marriage." One of those actions HAS to be to leave OM. Thats what I meant by they go hand in hand.

And guys, I didn't mean I'm getting bombarded here on the board. I meant in my real life. With all these situations and people coming at me. I'm practically being CHEERED on. Like, "Good for you. It's about damn time you go and find someone that appreciates you."

[karen43]

[quote=puppy]And guys, I didn't mean I'm getting bombarded here on the board. I meant in my real life. With all these situations and people coming at me. I'm practically being CHEERED on. Like, "Good for you. It's about damn time you go and find someone that appreciates you."

Oh, I think we've all experienced a lot of that!!! When I got my D papers, I had several people say Congratulations or great news or whatever. They are horrified by my H and wouldn't even think I would ever consider giving him a chance, and that is more true each and every day. I never even told anybody but you guys my true feelings. And the truth is they don't know what they would do in our place. I have 2 family members that are horrified by my H and wanted me to file immediately, but when they were in that situation, one was the WAS and the other LBS and they didn't do the same! They're been together again for years now!!!! I think your friends and family just want to see you happy and they see D as accomplishing that, which it may or may not. Karen

[karen43]

H4H,

I will say, however, that not saying a basic courtesy like "hello" or "goodbye" is NOT being cordial.

Puppy

Oh, I think so too! I always have said hi and bye when I see H when I can (he does kind of try to avoid me). I think there have been maybe one or 2 times I was so mad at him for something I didn't, but I really do try to always be polite when possible. Then I work on being really busy the rest of the time he's around, lately esp. I've been going out and GALing or if I do stay home b/c I'm tired or whatever, I will still workout or clean or whatever. Just too busy to talk!!! Karen

[hopeful4her]

After the parent deal, I call D11 at about 7:10. She says she still hasn't eaten, S14 went to a football game, and D6 is asleep. I tell her to eat, I will go buy some dog food and get there after. I do that, get to the apartment and she still hasn't eaten. Dinner is almost ready. I'm hugging D11, talking to her. Wife is in the kitchen still cooking. It's about 7:30. I walk over to the bar area by the kitchen, say hi and put some papers from the night there for her to see. She says hi too. She yells at D11 to come eat. I ask about D6 and she tells me to wake her up to eat. Again, she is wearing that long black cotton sun dress. The one that show off the girls. She looks good. I love that damn dress on her. AARRGGHHHHH! Now she is just doing it on purpose, I think. F'ing games on both of our parts.

"Do you want to eat?"
"Uhhh...yeah, sure."

Several attempts to wake up D6 do not work. She is OUT. I let her stay. We sit down and start to eat. Do some talking to D11 about her day, so on and so forth. D11 runs to the computer in the bedroom and the wife starts to talk. She asks why I'm making lunches. I say I make them everday. She asks if they are asking for lunch. I say that I have been making them lunch from the beginning. I enjoy it and they DO ask me to make lunch. She tells me that they now get free lunches. She qualified.

Interesting.

She asks if I have heard from her ex. I tell her we talked a little last week about some things she said about spanking. She tells me he is spinning all sorts of crap. She is no happy with him right now. He is somehow not paying child support anymore. Started last week. I ask something and then S14 comes home. She motions we'll talk later. I talk to S14 about his day. Tests, the game, such and such. She brings up his Myspace. He has to make some changes.

The rest of the night is S14 and D11 interacting and having a good time. Like a family. I am being really cool. I keep finding her having a wondering look. Thinking, like far off sometimes. The kids are having a lot of fun and I'm talking to them and joining their conversation. Laughing. The wife too. Finally things start to wind down. Wife is tired. It is now about 9 and SHE tells D11 to get her stuff. We talked about cancelling the Hollywood video deal and maybe she might go with Netflix. I tell her I have one movie in the car. She says to give it to her because she will take back a movie too. "What Happens in Vegas." Trying to get kids to go, she starts to pack up some boxes to throw away. I motion for her to call me. She looks at me, "For what?"

"If you want to talk about Oscar. What you didn't finish talking about."
"I can handle it myself." Her look was back. Mean.
Now WTF? Fine. The new her is back. Dr Jeckyll in the house.

Out the door, we discuss a little about tomorrow's early release for the girls. I turn to leave. No goodbye. She doesn't F'ing deserve it. Get the two kids in the car.

I grab the movie that I brought in. I was just about to tell S14 to take it to his mom but I decided to take it myself.

I'm either a sadist or masochist. One or the other. I can't remember which is which. Maybe I'm both.

I go knock on the door. She is holding the little dog like she was going to take it out to walk.


I ask her if she wants to return it or me. She says she can. I ask her about the movie she has. Is it good? She can only get through the first half then falls asleep. Gonna try to watch the second half tonight.

"Okay. Bye."
I start to walk away.
"I'm sorry I was rude." I turn to face her.
"I.....I'm just really disgusted right now with Oscar."
I stand there looking at her.
"And your disgusted with ME why?"

She looks at me frustrated. Something's coming. I can just FEEL it. She is looking for the words.

"I'm frustrated. I just don't want anything to do with ALL of ya'll right now. I just want to be left alone." Her anger is building.

"Because I did....."

She brings up the car insurance?

"I drive your kids around all over the place and you want to cancel the insurance? Whatever. Go ahead. Cancel it. I already found a different insurance. Thats why I said it didn't matter to me. You can't pay for the damn car insurance? Its your kids."

???????

I just stand there looking at her. In amazement.

"The girls spend just as much time with me as they do you."
She looks at me like I'M crazy.
"They spend the night with you. They spend most of their time here with me."

I repeat what I told her.

"They spend just as much time with me as they do you. They do NOT just spend the night with me. They spend a week with me and then they spend a week with you."
Again, her look.

I tell her "You just don't understand, do you?"

I tell her they do not live with her and they do not live with me. They spend equal time.

"They spend more time here."
"Because they come here after school? While your at work? That effects you..... how?"
"Electricity. Food. Believe me, I don't mind."

WT? I remind her I wanted them to go straight to the house afterschool during my week. SHE wanted to have them come here.

"Yes I did. Your way, they are home alone too long."
"No they aren't. The bus ride is just longer."
"They don't need to be on the bus that long. Look, I just want whats best for the kids."
"So do I. THATS what is important."
"We need to do whats right for them. Juli is having the hardest time of the three. Maybe we need to consider making the time longer."
"Like two weeks at a time?"
"I don't know. They just don't have time to settle. Like they are living out of bags."
"I talk to them all the time. We need to work things the best we can because...."
"What? Work because of MY decision, huh?"

Now she is glaring.

"I tell them we just have to do the best that we can. Time here and at home. You don't see how when they are with me, they don't want to come backher. You just see the part when they have to leave here. They do the same thing with me. About having to come back here and staying at home."

"By the way, you can take down the shrine."

?????

"At the house. Take down the shrine."

"It's not a shrine. They are MY pictures."
"Yeah, the pictures of us...the promise paper....you can take it all down...

We are not getting back together."

"They are still mine."
"Put up pictures of the kids. Something happy."
"The pictures are FOR the kids."
"It's not helping them. It's hurting them."
"Well, they are mine. You TOOK all the other pictures."
"I'm almost done with the albums. And that cross. I'm not dead."
"Well, the pictures stay up. They are mine. I'm still married."

She just looks at me. That weird look. Like pissed and sad at the same time.

"They are my hope. I still have hope."

We look at each other. I'm searching for words. She stopped talking.

"I know you think that I'm just sitting at the house wallowing in self pity. I'm not."
"I KNOW you not just sitting at home."
"I'm not. But......

I still.... have hope."

I start to turn and give a small single wave and walk.
She gives me a small "goodnight" and walks back in.

I did not return it.

I knew the pictures of us would only piss her off. The Promise Contract. I just knew it.

[hopeful4her]

I forgot the outside conversation started with:

"Okay. Bye."
I start to walk away.
"I'm sorry I was rude." I turn to face her.
"I.....I'm just really disgusted right now with Oscar."
I stand there looking at her.
"And your disgusted with ME why?"

"Look, I know your pissed at me. I know I'm the one that left. But I left you almost all the stuff in the house. I'm disgusted and frustrated. I just don't want anything to do with ALL of ya'll right now....."

"Because I did...."

Thats when she brought up the car insurance.

[lost_in_space]

H4H

Bud, you have drama no doubt. What do you think? I tell you, I read what she says, but I don't see her thinking straight (no doubt eh?). Do her actions match her words? Can't see that.

I like the fact you walked away. She is conflicted because she says she wants nothing to do with any of you. Don't feed the fire by arguing (too much). Why does she want the D's more if she doesn't want to deal with them? Makes no sense so don't try to figurer it out.

I can relate - not sure if you saw my letter, but it will no doubt open the flood gates for words. I hope I can continue to keep my cool, like you are showing.

Hey bud - another Dos Equis?

[whatdidido]

Yep, she is thinking BIG TIME!!! THe contract and pictures piss her off because she knows it's true. When she said the whole "my choice" thing, you should have agreed matter of factly. She glared for no reason.....and you can remind her that....it WAS her choice...NOT yours. You reminded her you are still married and you still have hope. That was good. DOn't tell her that you have to make this all ok, REMIND her that there is nothing she can do to make this ALL OK for the kids....They will be affected, they ARE affected...because of HER decision. Believe it or not, these convos with her, and the way you handled it by being matter of fact about her choice and how it is affecting the kids, are GOOD.

[whatdidido]

By the way, she is trying to get you to buddy up about Oscar...that's her new topic to suck you in to bond. Remain polite but focused on the kids. She is seeing what's going on...she is seeing what she is losing.....this is all goooooood. Don't feel BAD that she is pissed about the marriage contract...this is the first time you told her that you WERE STILL MARRIED AND HAVE HOPE. SHe needed to hear that. She is very firm on being "Ms. INdependent" so let her, but the reminder that she is still married and screwing up the kids is a good one.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Yep, she is thinking BIG TIME!!! THe contract and pictures piss her off because she knows it's true. When she said the whole "my choice" thing, you should have agreed matter of factly. She glared for no reason.....and you can remind her that....it WAS her choice...NOT yours. You reminded her you are still married and you still have hope. That was good. DOn't tell her that you have to make this all ok, REMIND her that there is nothing she can do to make this ALL OK for the kids....They will be affected, they ARE affected...because of HER decision. Believe it or not, these convos with her, and the way you handled it by being matter of fact about her choice and how it is affecting the kids, are GOOD.

BINGO! Bingobingobingobingobingo!!!!!

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

By the way, she is trying to get you to buddy up about Oscar...that's her new topic to suck you in to bond. Remain polite but focused on the kids. She is seeing what's going on...she is seeing what she is losing.....this is all goooooood. Don't feel BAD that she is pissed about the marriage contract...this is the first time you told her that you WERE STILL MARRIED AND HAVE HOPE. SHe needed to hear that. She is very firm on being "Ms. INdependent" so let her, but the reminder that she is still married and screwing up the kids is a good one.

I was also going to comment that I feel like it's abundantly clear, H4H, that your wife is trying to show you just HOW MUCH SHE DOESN'T NEED YOU. (like with the lunches, and there've been numerous other examples of that). I think it would be good for you to say something to her like "Look, I hear you. I understand that you don't NEED me to do _______ , but I want to, and there are going to be things that I continue to want to do for my children."