Hi Friends:

I was talking to another woman on my vacation. She is my age and living with a guy that is 11 years younger. As we were talking about this whole R issue - I just found myself saying - I just can't sort and match socks again.

She pointed out that didn't explain The Block since none of the men at the Resort were wearing socks! She also said I need to start with a kiss! LOL! Just to prove that when you kiss someone - you do not wake up the next morning married to them.

I was only married a little over 5 years. And really 2 of those years were spent on endless trips to Germany to deal with family member after family member getting sick and dying. Everytime the phone rang - someone was diagnosed with something new, some treatment wasn't working, someone was in a coma - and we took a three month leave of absence to care for his parents in Germany. His grandmother came to stay with us for three months - she only spoke German and was going blind - it was work caring for her. And my brain use to hurt from trying talk in German after a long day at work. And there was that whole trying to be The Wife thing. And of course the last year and a half was Carpet Bombing - total of 4 bombs.

My head can see that this 5 year R was exhausting and there is an explanation. But in my head - I have come to associate an LTR with exhaustion. I have posted about being tired these past 5 years - but it was nothing compared to when I was married.

And yes, it was a tough time for The X with everyone dropping dead - but it was really hard being the strong one all the time.

And part of it probably stems from having an extremely high maintanence mother. My mother is an energy vampire. The truth is these R hiatus's from her are a welcome break for me.

In my head - I have come to associate an R with having to always be strong. Since I have been on my own - there has been less stress - and I have had time to fall at times. I have had time to take care of me.

I think I need to slow down my brain and my head and baby steps.

During the past few years, every time I bumped into a man that didn't respect boundaries - I ran away telling myself - there really is no one out there. I won't run away this time. But I think it will take time to re-wire my brain into believing that not all R's are a burden.

On a different note, I am going to call my father this weekend and ask him if he wants to go to Ankgor Wat or Petra. And then set up a trip in December. I won't go to India - I will just fly him to where we will meet. Of course talking to him won't help convince me that R's are not energy suckers - he was married to my mother.

take care,
AG