I will get into the type of conversations we had later tonight about my mistake. However, a quick here is a quick update. My ex and her friend found a house they want and are going to apply for the loan and make an offer tomorrow. This evening I was with my ex, helping her get all the paperwork such as w2s, tax forms, bank statements, etc - so she will have that ready. Earlier today she called me up and was very excited about the house. I shared her enthusiasm and told her that I was so happy for her. We then started to discuss how she is going to arrange our daughter's room and gave her several ideas.
I have to admit, when I am talking to my ex about the new house she is about to get with her best friend, it hurts really deep. While I was sharing the joy with her when we were talking, I felt like this is going to be a very huge mountain to bring down. She is already telling me about how she wants to do this or that to the house and how she plans on being there a long time, etc. I know that her best friend and her are not romantically involved. They get on each others nerves too much as I have seen how they talk to each other on the phone somethings - but you never really know. My daughter is also attached to him so that does make it difficult. I think the fact that she has a place for our daughter to go to and the fact that the schools nearby are nice, is going to make it hard for her to want to come back - especially since the house is her dream home so to speak.
That said, I know that my ex is really stressing out about all the paper work and house buying process. I thought about making her a fruit salad and dropping it off at the day care for her to pick up for breakfast - along with a simply note such as good luck or something among does lines.
Thanks B for reminding me that it is just a house.
what kind of conversation(s) did you have with your wife when you realized you made a mistake?
When I realized that I was wrong and want to have my family back - I told my ex that we needed to talk; we spoke at what use to by our apartment. I told her that I didn't want to get a divorce. That I love her and my daughter so much and that I was wrong. I told her that I wanted to be family again and to make things work out between us. I cried the whole time I was telling her this. She responded by telling me that she no longer loves me and that she would never trust me again. She told me that the thought of us getting back together disgusted her and that me crying wasn't going to change anything. That was a knife in my heart. I started to beg and plea - to tell her that I wasn't the same person anymore. That marriage is a precious thing and we should fight to make it last. She responded that I didn't care so why should she. She told me all that in cold voice. She got very mad when I start to beg and told me that if I kept that up that she will never talk to me again.
For the next two weeks after that, I went on a begging feast. I hope all her up and just tell how much I love her - that I was a different person, etc etc. I would send her e-mails, ask her to postpone the divorce, etc. I only drove her away. She would yell at me on the phone and tell me to stop telling her I love her - that it was over and that there was nothing I could do or say that would change her mind. She told me that I was making her stressed out. It got to the point where she stopped answering my calls altogether. During this whole period, I was a wreck. I often had to shut my door at work so no one would see me cry. When I got home all I would do is cry, scream at myself, tell myself why was I so stupid, how could you do this to your family, etc. I have a scrapbook of my ex, of all the love notes we wrote each other, pictures, pages of my journal, etc that I made when we where dating and married. I would look at the scrapbook and it only made the pain worse.
In the midst of all my tears, I started to tell myself that I had to start loving her again. That me focusing on my emotional needs at the moment was not going to change anything. Instead, I had to respect my ex's wish and show her that I really do mean business by my actions. That meant I had to not bring up the relationship or show my true emotions around her. I called her up a week later and asked if I could pick up our daughter from daycare. Soon after, my daughter got sick and the daycare called me. I called my ex and told her that I was talking her to the doctor. She was quite surprised at my willingness. After that, we slowly started talking and doing things together. She still got the divorce. The night before she saw the judge, I thought about calling her up and telling her that I still love her and that I want to make my marriage work - but I didn't want to drive her away further - so I didn't say anything. Needless to say, that was a very painful day.
So now we are where we are today. I am keeping a journal of all the little success we have had - such as the first time such started to call me by my pet name or when I started to sense that she was no longer as cold towards me as she first was.
So I do see the progress, but it is a very slow process. It is hard to tell what she is really thinking and sometimes I wonder if she has made up her mind that I am only going to be a friend to her and nothing more. We have such good conversations now and yet she will sometimes say stuff like I don't think we should ever have gotten married or that she is happy now that we are divorced and that we were only meant to be friends. Sometimes she will bring up the past - such as I was never there through the hard times and now that our daughter is older - I want her in my life because she is easier to take care of. I normally tell her that I was wrong and if I could do things over again, things would be different. She tells me, ya right.
it takes patience, consistency, optimism, and understanding to show someone who has long endured bad behavior that you're capable of lasting change. Actions speak louder than words, and in the case of relationships, it's long-term consistent actions.
And in the end, maybe too much damage was done and you won't be able to reconcile. Is that all you're focused on? Ask yourself why marriage with this woman is so important to you now when it clearly didn't mean much not too long ago. Do you really want to be with her or are you just lonely?
Hi lodo, I really do want to be married to my ex again and it is not because I am lonely. I truly do love my ex and have come to a better understanding of what love is about (although that in and of itself is a lifetime process).
Today I went with my ex to speak with the loan officer. My ex wanted me there so that I can ask questions, read documents, etc. At the end of the day, she and her best friend could not get the loan unless they were able to put a down payment on the house. I offered to lend them the money and they were very grateful.
I was really glad that I was about to be there and support her through this house buying process. This is very hard to do internally, as I feel like I am writing my own death warrant. But in the end, I want her to really be happy and to experience everything life has to offer. Later that evening, we went to a nice restaurant where she began to share with me about some of her disappointments in life regarding people, family, etc. I was really glad she opened up. She didn't bring up the relationship, but I was glad that she opened up to me a little more. We drove around town for a little bit - just talking - almost like the good old days. I kept telling myself - I hope this moment never ends.
You're conflating poorly advised economic support with love and it doesn't work that way. There is a greater potential for damage to BOTH of you by becoming financially tied under a false premise.
That said, I agreed to stay on the mortgage while my W seeks to refinance. I know she won't be able to until she asks her father to co-sign, and if she doesn't, I'm going to demand that the house go up for sale. Seems cruel, but financial ties can be cruel and leave a lot of bad feelings.
I'd agree with your assessment - you're writing your own death warrant. How will you feel when you find out she's sleeping with her friend and you're financing their place? And he stands to take your place in the life of your child.
I can see your point and I would feel absolutely pathetic if she started to sleep with her friend. However, several years ago before she meant me, she did live with him for about a year because she needed a place to start - nothing ever became of that. Things do change through. However, this is a loan and I know that my ex's heart is driven primarily to get our daughter into a safe school district and stable living environment. I know my ex will pay me back - I have no doubts about that.
I really want her to have her dreams come true - even if that means that she ultimately rejects me - as long as I know she is happy. So even if I knew that she will ultimately reject me at the end, that is not enough to stop me from trying my best to make her the best version of herself - to help her as much as I can to see her dreams come true. That said - there are boundaries and there is a line between being a caretaker and a caregiver.
I'll respectfully disagree. She may form an attachment with this friend, maybe not, maybe someone else down the road. That part doesn't matter. What matters is you're putting yourself in the position of financing her lifestyle because you're trying to regain her love. You need to make absolutely sure you aren't doing it for that reason. If you do it for your daughter, fine, but don't do it to win back your XW.
You won't know she's happy or when her dreams come true and, sorry, you shouldn't pretend to believe you could. You aren't her. The best you can do is act out of your own interests to advance your own life. You have no control or understanding over anything else. Sorry, don't mean to come down hard on you.
BTW, I really enjoy your writing. Where are you at now? Still back east?
Hi Dom R, I respectfully disagree with you on that. Without understanding the history b/t her and her friend, it is real easy to assume that they are sleeping together or are together. She has known the guy for about 20 years now. She is unable to afford an apartment or house on her own. She feels that the only way she can give our daughter a good place to live and a good school district is to buy a house with her best friend. While it is true that she could fall in love with him in future or perhaps is having thoughts about it - I highly doubt she is sleeping with him right now. She use to always tell me that she saw him as brother.
In the end of the day, if he truly makes her happy - and she can experience the joy of being loved and loving someone through him - then I will support her 100%. I would turn this world upside down if that meant she will be happy.
That said, while I do want to be reconciled with my ex more than anything - my ultimate goal here is for her to be happy - for her to love and be loved. That might mean that she finds that without me. But I have spent a good portion of my life being selfish and only thinking about myself. I love my ex more than anything in the world and I hope that one day she will feel the same.
But I do appreciate the words of caution given to me. This journey is tough, full of questions and uncertainty. It would definitely be easier to count my loses and move on. But have to do everything I can to fight for our marriage and our family.
