Oh.. and I forgot I was going to mention.. in case you ARE that out of it, it might be better that you're NOT having to be in the car with your W. This was all pre-bomb but I still recall telling my H all kinds of bizarre things on the way home. Getting really emotional about stuff that made no sense and asking him all kinds of strange questions. If it had been post-bomb I can almost guarantee I would have been an emotional wreck.
Hopefully you won't be quite as knocked out, though! Apparently I started struggling with the doctors (I don't remember this), so they knocked me out completely instead of the "just very relaxed" stuff they started me on.
One more time.. good luck!!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I wish I had called a taxi. That was a good suggestion. Unfortunately that's not how it turned out.
The short answer is: I am doing fine, very slightly sore throat, but nothing bad. They took a biopsy of a gastric polyp in the anterior of my stomach, but the injury to my esophagus appears to already be healing (the Gastronenterlogist had predicted this would be the case.) I'll know more when I follow up with him after the biopsy comes back. In the mean time he's instructed me to increase the fiber in my diet (even more?!? How much bran and whole-wheat can one eat?)
I didn't get all of this directly from the doctor, I was too sedated. It was supposed to be one of those waking sedations, but I went out like a light. I guess I was not too much trouble for them to handle me like that. <*snap*> I certainly don't remember a thing.
Now the long story <Warning>. I got there about a quarter past 9 AM. I wasn't going to at first, but I called W before going in. I was aggravated and hurt because she had said she would support me in this, said she would drive me to the appointment and back, then backed out saying she would be there if they wouldn't let me go otherwise. But then she never once asked for the location of where the procedure was being performed.
So after I arrived and parked the car, I sat there a moment to write down all her contact info to give to the medical center staff. And then I gave W a phone call. I told her the location of the medical center and that I would call her if their policy was to not allow me to drive myself home. She asked me if I had found out yet whether they would require someone else or not. I told her I hadn't been in yet to find that out. I told her I would let her know. I tried to keep the conversation short. She started to say something about being off of work today "just in case", but she was still on-call since they are very short-staffed. I concluded the conversation.
Whatever.
I sat there thinking, she has abandoned me yet again. But I shouldn't be surprised. Not anymore.
It still hurts. And yes, I did shed a tear. Just briefly, and then went inside.
But when I checked in the attendant stated that someone else had to drive me home. The procedure itself was only going to last about fifteen minutes, but I was going to still be very sedated and incapable of making decisions or operating machinery for up to 24 hours. So I gave her the sheet of papre with all the contact information for W. I was thinking to myself, "Oh, boy, W is going to just love being called in on my behalf, especially since she was sooo convinced that they would let me drive myself after I came to and she was thinking she was off the hook."
Whatever.
When I came to, the nurse told me they had contacted my W and she would be there shortly. In a daze I got dressed and ready, and then sat on the gurney trying to read over the information the doctor had printed out for me.
Eventually W arrived and she asked for my car keys. She drove me home in my car. I was semi-conscious enough to know what we were talking about on the way back. She was talking about all her preparations for moving out of our house into her new bachelorette apartment. Yes, she still is moving, this weekend no less, despite having no offers on the house as yet. Again, I resisted the urge to ask her rhetorically why she's doing this stupid thing. Even her own L doesn't have a clue why she's proceeding with this nutty move.
And yet again she was suggesting that once she was out then I could move back into the house myself since I cannot really afford this apartment I am in right now anyway along with half the mortgage on the house (and yet again, I am asking myself then how does she think she can afford both an apartment lease and a house mortgage if I cannot?) And she acts like I am the crazy one here.
I tried not to engage her too much in this nonsense, partly because I was still under the influence and thus prone to poor judgement myself-- and partly because I had already decided there is nothing to be gained or learned by trying to argue with an obsessive compulsive mental case like her.
She asked me when I was getting paid. I told her today in fact. And she asked about my share of the mortgage -- I told her I could write her the check now once we got back to the apartment. Which I did. She led me into my apartment, I wrote her a check and she then said she was going outside to wait for OM to pick her up. (another dagger appeared in my back, its tip protruding into my heart.) She said OM had his truck with him to help her with some of the moving -- she would get him to drive her back over to the medical center to retrieve her car. Lovely.
I thanked her again for picking me up and driving me home. She said she would pick up the boys from school for me this afternoon. She told me to get some rest and then she left.
A few minutes later I thought I'd go check my mailbox (at the apartment office building a couple of blocks down the street)... and to see if she really was out there waiting on her "ride". At first I didn't see her, but as I approached the office to get my mail, I saw W sitting on the curb out front talking on her cell-phone. She looked up and saw me, gave me a disgusted look like "WTF?" I pointed to the office and said, "Mail."
I retrieved my mail and stopped to give W a piece or mail addressed to her (another credit card junk mail offer). She then asked me, snidely, "Do you mind?" I was going to offer her some lunch as a token of appreciation for me putting her out today, a sort-of peace offering, but she was irritated at not having her "privacy" it would seem and i wasn't going to press it.
I told her good-bye again and went back to my apartment. I was thinking to myself how she would rather sit outside on the curb than in a comfortable chair indoors to wait if that means being in my presence. She can't stand me that much. But then she was obviously playing the love-sick adolescent girl talking to her "boyfriend" on her cell-phone again.
NC, I'm glad you're doing ok it sounds like well physically. I'm so sorry about your W. She is so messed up!!! I've always thought my H and your W were pretty much the same awful, but when I had a minor surgery a couple months ago, he was nice for that one day at least, and had enough compassion to stop being a jerk for one day. Obviously, your W is clueless, horrible, and I'm shocked at her behavior!
NC, I would never ask her for anything again and go as dark as possible. She doesn't deserve to have you in her life and until she realizes that (if ever) I would just stay away from her as much as possible. She's one of those toxic people like my C says we should stay away from. I'm sorry I'm being so nasty, but just feel so bad for you that she would treat you like that when you just had your surgery and sedation!!! Karen
I should have paid more attention to the dates, I thought your appt. was tomorrow!
Sounds like you had a similar sedation experience to mind. "Light"??? Umm.. not exactly. Maybe if that's your job every day it's lighter than, say, heart surgery but from the patient side it's not much difference! I had a scope once when I was younger and they didn't sedate me and all I can say is.. be glad you were out and don't remember anything. I didn't want to say that BEFORE your scope and scare ya but it was pretty awful. I'm glad they knock people out more, now.
I'm glad that things went pretty well and that you kept your emotions in check.
Sorry for all the crap from your W... yuck.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I know it is hard not to take it personally, but she is in "me" mode and to she doesn't see her reckless disregard for your feelings, all she thinks of is "me, myself and I". Her behavior is hurtful, dont' expect anything nice from her anymore.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Yes, it's still all about her. I am thankful she did pick me up. I really wish now that it didn't have to be her.
After all the pain W has put me through, continues to put me through, I hate that I don't have anyone close by to rely upon. This thing about the endoscopy has me pondering what I will be able to do in the future in this regard. I've been holding a quiet little pity party for myself, for being so far away from family and loved ones who I can really count on. I've got friends and colleagues, yes. Some fairly close. But none so close I feel it prudent to lean upon.
I know the realities of non-blood-related friends and the transience of seemingly close relationships in this volatile demi-urban setting. It seems that people move in and out of one's lives with more and more frequency. There's not the permanence of community one used to rely upon. Not here.
So I am repeatedly feeling a great deal of regret for having ever moved to this state 12 years ago now, so far away from close family. (At least it is better than when we lived in Seattle.) And I think back to all the misfortune that has mounted for us since we moved here, and can only conclude that it it is a net loss.
I want to leave, get away, find some place closer to my brother's family and to my mother, at least within an easy day's drive. And were W ever to want to reconcile, which I know she's not, I'd put a relocation on the table as part of the deal.
Right now the only thing that keeps me here is my two sons. And that is everything to me. They're the family that matters most to me right now. So I must stay put. And unfortunately they're too young for me to rely on them for help.
I guess I am just going to have to continue the high-wire act without a net.
Pity parties are fine until they get too warm. (For some reason I always imagine my pity party in a pool.. sometimes a baby pool, if you get my drift!)
Here's another perspective:
She took the day off of work to help you out just in case . You needed help, she found a way to do it. Let go of the fact he was there to pick her up, and she needed the mortgage payment. She drove you home, met her obligation and was content to talk on the cellphone outside. Her choice. When sitting on a sidewalk is better than hospitality.. guess what.. she's gone.
Going out a few minutes later for the mail (and check on her) after a procedure where you're supposed to be sleeping is called.. pursuing. Of course she gave you that look. She has moved on and can't be anymore clear about it.
Also.. in regards to your children, "...unfortunately they're too young for me to rely on them for help." Drop that thought like a burning hot coal in your hand. You are the father, you are the parent. They are the children. YOU are their support system, never the other way around.
Mr. Code.. You are an intelligent man deeply wounded. Your life is about her, how what she does hurts you. That way of thinking makes you a martyr, a victim. It's your choice how you continue.
I do the same with with the guy I married. Writing to you crystalizes my situation. He's moved out and on with her, out of my life, rarely sees the kids.
On the plus side, she helped you out.
On the negative side, you had expectations.
Net net, she cared. She did it for you.
Her actions show something. Let it be.
Spend time finding you, getting out of your head.
Time to get out and DO. Find interests, be social. Let the people around you get to know the No Code we adore.
*hugs*
Stop for a moment and consider about the house/home. If you feel you can, ask to talk about it. Perhaps she can afford to move because she won't be paying that much. Make sure that pride does not get in the way of finances.
If you're concerned about the house selling, agree on a drop dead price. The divorce process creates financial ruin if emotions run the show. Be aware of that.
Karen