Not too much news to report. We are texting now about our plans for the weekend. Beach trip is on! I don't know if we will stay overnight but when we go to the beach we usually leave in the morning and come home late at night anyways so even if we do not spend the night together we will still be together all day! Yay!
Last night (after I agreed to no more R talks. . .lol. I know) I was thinking about our sitch and trying to get to the bottom of this whole mess and I had an epiphany and could not sleep until I asked hubby a question. It was driving me insane! Anyways I broke down and texted him and I will post the convo here:
Me: I know I am supposed to be asleep (I said this because we had already said goodnight) but I have a question H: K Me: Do you think that I am the catalyst for every argument we have/had. I want brutal honesty here. H: You are the common denominator Me: Meaning yes? H: Pretty much. . .not saying I am not guilty Me: I think that my expectations cause/caused our fights and that your reaction fuel/fueled them. Or escalated as I always used to say. What do you think? H: Bout right Me: Is that what you meant when you said you were guilty too H: Yes Me: Huh. But that's fixable! We have finally found the root! H: Maybe Me: And fyi. . .I have been thinking a lot about what you say alot about how we can only get along when we see each other once a week but I don't think the reason is that we only see each other once a week it's that the more time we spend together the higher our chance of conflict gets. Just a numbers game. So if we learn to deal with conflict properly we would be able to spend more time together in peace or "low maintenece" mode like you and I both want. H: Ok
There wasn't much more to it after that. We basically just said goodnight again.
It may not sound like much but something just finally clicked in my brain and it all made sense. When my expectations get dashed I get bitchy, even if it is not full throttle bitchy mode I can still have a slant of negativity that makes me more edgy and therefore it becomes easier to have an argument. My husband never really initiates arguments and generally is even keel and never brings up problems. It's always me. However he reacts badly when I am in a "mood" and he lets his frustration with me show and then it goes downhill from there. Quickly.
I hope this doesn't sound like a rerun to you guys because I literally feel like I just figured this out. So now my challenge is to not have expectations. . .about anything! And his job is to learn to let things roll a little easier, which he already does to a certain extent but he needs to learns to say "yes dear" and "it's going to be ok" instead of judging or snapping at me.
Well it's food for thought. We'll have to talk about it on Tuesday with our counselor. This weekend I am just gonna be chill. No R talks and if he brings anything up I just validate and move on.
Ok so I know I am posting a lot today but I got more to say!
We just spent 40 minutes on the phone hashing out our plans. We are going to go to the beach and most likely stay the night Saturday. So that should be a good time. We have only gone on "vacation" once in the two years we have been married and that was our honeymoon! We have always been tight financially and never could afford to go anywhere. Even now we are still pretty low income but a night at the beach never killed anyone!
So Monday I was supposed to go down and watch him play waterpolo but we decided to postpone those plans to a day when I am not working, and also to save on gas since we will already be driving a lot this weekend.
The Tuesday we have our counseling session.
So I will see him Saturday, Sunday, and Tuesday! Not bad.
The phone call went well. No arguing in sight! One thing I am focusing on right now is speaking slowly. That is something my counselor told me to try and focus on doing to avoid conflict and stress. He said that the faster I talk the more my hubby visibly shuts down. Odd huh? I am a fairly high strung, energetic person and sometimes. . .ok a lot of time. . .it shows up in my body language and speech. So I really need to focus on that. I was thinking that on Tuesday night when we were deeply engaged in R talks we were talking "normally" and I am beginning to wonder how much of that was due to the fact that I was speaking slower and thinking about every word before I said it.
Nice to be home. The beach trip was awesome. We had a really good time and hardly any R talks or arguing!
Drive there was nice, hubby had made some mixed CDs for us to listen to, a couple of songs that are "our" songs. If you know what I mean. So that was sweet. We went a few places before checking into our hotel room. We got all settled and ML before we went out to get a few groceries and dinner. We stopped and got some movies to watch too.
There was a little R talk when we were waiting for dinner because he was telling me about a conversation with his brother who had called him the night before. They are not very close and when my hubby said they talked for 40 minutes I was curious and asked what they talked about. Apparently a bit, not sure how much, was about us. His brother is a counselor/pastor and so I guess he was talking about our problems and things. My husband found out that his brother and his wife almost divorced when they were newly married too but when they found out they were pregnant with their first child they stayed together. I found that kind of shocking because they seem like the perfect couple, always happy and together. I could tell my hubby was surprised too. So that was kinda nice in a way to know that someone you actually know has made it through this and come out better for it on the other side. It's also encouraging that he is someone my hubby looks up to. I feel like his advice might get through to him in the long run. But when I asked what he had told him he said "I am really confused and dont know if I should be in a relationship at all and if I am is it supposed to be with her or someone else" I have heard this before of course but it never feels good to hear it. However I did not react or prod. I just nodded and listened to what he had to say. Proud of myself there!
We went back and had dinner and watched one movie and watched the sunset through our window which was oceanside, always beautiful. When it was dark we went out to the beach to have a bonfire and were out wandering around. I walked away from him at one point and was off by myself for awhile and got some time to think and pray it was good and when we hooked up again he said "I didn't know where you were" and he seemed genuinly worried which was sweet.
It was late when we got back to our room but we watched a second movie and had snacks. We just joked around a lot and were snuggly and warm. Heaven I tell ya. We ML again and then went to sleep.
After we checked out this morning we went to the beach again and were there for most of the day. At one point my hubby went off to climb this mountain/rock thing and I stayed on the beach. I was tired from walking down the beach for a couple of miles and I was hungry and I stubbed my toe on a rock and I think it is broken so I was a little cranky when he got back from his adventure and we got into a little squabble about that. But it was fixed within a few minutes so I guess it turned out ok. Sometimes it bugs me though when he can't deal with my moods but at the same time he put on his counseling list that he needs someone who can deal with his moods. DAM. . .
Anyways! After being at the beach for several hours we hiked back to the car and my hubby wanted to go to a state park but I was hungry and tired and needed to shower so I said I would rather start heading back. I really wanted to stay with him all day, as long as I could, but I also did not feel like it would be a smart idea since I was cranky. The last thing I wanted was an argument at the last moment to color his whole memory of the trip. You know what I mean? He did seem a little bummed about going back though.
The drive home was fun, we listened to more music and talked and laughed about goofy stuff. We got to his house and we said goodbye with a few kisses and made plans about getting together Tuesday before our counseling session and he went inside. I drove home and crashed into bed. I did not sleep all that well last night so I just zonked out when I got here. So it was probably for the best that we came home a little earlier than we thought we would.
So all in all it was a great weekend. I know that so many people on these boards will be jealous but my words of warning are that it is hard to be in this stage. It's actually really hard to be around each other and know in the back of your mind that you are not together and that while it feels right things are still broken. I hope I don't sound like I am throwing myself a pity party. I'm just saying that as much as I love seeing him there are still a lot of hurdles to jump over and a lot of pain left to endure before we get to that final stage. It's kinda like labor pains (not that I would know but I can imagine) to get to the final stage.
I am very happy with the way things went though and am proud that I avoided R talks and proved that we can be together without arguing constantly. Counseling is Tuesday so it should be interesting.
Hi Daisy! Overall it sounds like a huge success! How's your toe? There doesn't seem to be any negatives that are screaming for attention. You ML 2X, spent the day together, spent some time alone and didn't have any R talks. I bet your session on Tuesday goes very well.
Well done (((((Daisy)))))
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
Thanks! I do think it went very well. I miss him now though. Hehe. You get used to being together again.
My toe is sad. . .kinda numb and a little swollen.
My hubby was like "what's wrong" when he saw me pouting in the sand and I said "I think I broke my toe" and he got this crazy bewildered look on his face and was like "when?!" Lol. I think he forgot how clumsy I am. Oh well.
Hey Daisy! I know it's hard to be away from him tonight but you'll be ok. I think you should put some ice on your toe and put a bandage around your foot tonight and keep it elevated so you can't move it much and you keep the swelling down. Usually a toe gets sprained and not broken.
Last edited by JenInVen; 09/15/0803:32 AM.
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
I'll give it a try. My mom has been after me since I got home to put ice on it. Lol. You mothers. . .
I will be ok. It's good to have a little space here and there. Besides I have my kitties to entertain me. I missed their little faces!
The only thing I am "worried" about now is that this session on Tuesday is our last joint session. After that we are going to do our sessions individually until we decide what we want. We get our counseling paid for by the military but only 6 sessions are covered and so this will be our 6th. We would have to pay $100 per session if we wanted to continue going together and until my hubby decides what he wants I just cannot justify spending the money (that I don't really have) to keep going to talk about "if you choose to stay married." We have both talked about it and I really think that things will accelerate if we go alone, at least as far as him making up his mind. He did seem different after he had his individual session a month or so ago. So we shall see. It's just nerve wracking since I won't be there in the room to contribute and to hear everything that is said. But that is when I pray and leave it up to God. It's easier that way!
He did say that he is going to come up in the morning even though our session is not until 5. At first he said he wasn't even sure he was going to come and then it changed to ok I'll come but only for the session and then it changed to I'll come up when I wake up. Lol. Confused? Yes he is.
so I was a little cranky when he got back from his adventure and we got into a little squabble about that. But it was fixed within a few minutes so I guess it turned out ok. Sometimes it bugs me though when he can't deal with my moods but at the same time he put on his counseling list that he needs someone who can deal with his moods. DAM. . .