Another one bites the dust

[No Longer BH]

Thank you so much for saying that. It is very kind of you. I have to admit that I am not feeling very positive at the moment. Its funny, I feel like I have been hit with the angry train and its roaring out of control. I know that this is just my way of finally letting go, one last look at the injustice of it all. My anger will pass, it is just a phase. Most of the time I feel pity towards STBXH, but at this moment I am feeling deep anger. I just cant believe he turned into such a manchild, acting like a crazy teen. I cant believe that he would be so shallow to leave me when I am this sick. Even if he does not love me, he should at least have a sense of obligation to help take care of things while I am going through treatment. What kind of person walks away from that??? Some one who is increditble selfish and shallow. Some one who is low and dirty. And why is it that I STILL have that one little teeny tiny voice back there saying "Please dont give up? What if you held out just a little longer and he came back. Look at all the babysteps he was making when I was acting like his friend." But where they really babysteps? God, I HATE THIS!!!!!! I want what was, not what is, but that only sows discontent into my life. I cant change what is, I know that. I have to learn to accept it. BUT I DONT WANT TO!

That small voice in my head keeps repeating what the DB coach said. Become the OW. Be their friend so they feel comfortable around you and trust you. That is when the love will grow. But when I threw myself into that, I went in all the way. I started to lose ground and myself. EVERYTHING became about watching for those baby steps. Part of me actually feels like there was progress being made even though he is still sleeping with OW. That part of me is whispering that I am blowing it by just letting go. But am I really? I was not the one who walked away. I was not the one who is having the A. I was not the one who only put my needs in front of everyone elses. So why do I feel responsible for the end of our M when I am finally letting go? God knows I dont want to D, but I dont feel like there is anything I can do to stop it at this point. I am just trying to accept it and move on.

I'm just so confused at the moment. I know this too shall pass and my path will appear more clearly, but at this very moment in time I am feeling like I just might be blowing the chance at R. Then again, am I really? I see so many WAH do the same thing that my STBX is doing AND IT DOESNT MEAN ANYTHING....they still leave. Is it better to just accept it and heal or keep trying? What is the opinion of those here. Again, I am just having a down day, so I am so sorry for the negative energy.