so detachment turned to big walls and then out of no where anger. And I mean lots of it. For two days now I have not been able to shake it. I am still detached but there in the pit of my stomich is anger and resentment. I think that most of it stems from our issues almost two years ago. When she had her lithle fling I bottled away all anger for hue sake of my M. It was the right thing at the time bug now here I am still dealing with her BS.
Don't get me wrong I am still supportive of her ventures but she I'd not even much of a friend. I think that detaching had allowed me too see a lot of things without the rose colored glasses that I usally give her. Really it's just strang to be this detached from her.
Other then that work rocks even if we don't get to go anywhere cool.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
Yep, anger. I know what you mean, I was right there a couple weeks ago, just thinking the most angry thoughts about H. I think it'll pass and probably come back again at some point. These stages of grief don't seem to be linear AT ALL, at least not for me.
You sound like you're doing well, though. You sound strong, and centered/grounded. I'm really happy to hear it.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
JWS, As long as you have a leash on your anger, no problem. If your anger slips the leash, pattern interrupt. Go to the store, call someone, anything to break that spin and regain control.
I think that we will all go through the angry times. I had a friend of mine tell me that everyone kept wondering when I was going to get angry. I'm not a saint, though I might look it to some. The truth is that I needed her so badly, I'd have done anything to keep her and that kept the anger hidden down deep behind fear.
It's good to see them without the rose colored glasses. It's good to be able to look at the situation dispassionately and to be able to step back and look at the painting from across the room instead of only with your nose pressed against it.
It's brutally hard to take stock without emotion, but, you've got your health, the coolest job in the world, though I know you guys still point to someone else and thing that they've got it better even if it's the aerial demo team or the guys in the wing over here or over there. You're young. You don't have kids to complicate the situation further. Life is an amazing adventure, and there is a whole lot left to see and do in this life.
It's good to be able to look at the situation dispassionately and to be able to step back and look at the painting from across the room instead of only with your nose pressed against it.
Hey Dan, nice one.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
The truth is that I needed her so badly, I'd have done anything to keep her and that kept the anger hidden down deep behind fear.
Dan you must be the little guy inside my heart. this is exactly why i am feeling the anger now, the need and fear are both gone, and soon the anger will be gone too, maybe that ruins her chances with me or maybe that puts me the the best place to DB that is yet to be seen but either way I am going some where!!!
Last edited by JWS; 09/12/0812:41 AM.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
I guess it has been a while since I have posted but not much has really changed.
I feel like I have three personalities
1 the guy at work that loves his job and does well at it, gets along great with everyone and really has the perfect professional life. plus I got to break the sound barrier today, that was uneventful but still pretty damn cool we hardly get to do that because it tends to piss people off.
2 the happy guy in my personal life, has reconnected with tons of friends met some great new ones, and it really having lots of fun, but feels that there is someone missing and wondering how long to play this game before going out to find some who treats me right. really there is only one thing missing in my life and its not irreplaceable.
3 depressed and angry LBS. this guy only tends to exist on the early morning drive into work, tired or bad dreams in my head my mind wonders and the pain is still there. he tends to come out a lot less but still there. although I guess that good because if goes away completely so do her chances with me.
Latest with her, about two to three nice friendly text conversations a week. never any issues talked about just work and school. she loves hearing about flying, I enjoy school updates. she is stressed and working very long hours but happy and loves it. she still comes to me for help when she needs it, such as computer support and sometimes money (witch I only help with pre agreed upon items) but I never ever ever get a thanks or anything. (some friend)
I have been avoiding trying to see her because I have been on a mental vacation even though I did not make it to new orleans. I am not sure of the next step, I am not sure if I want to see her or when to try, I think waiting till her term is out is best but I will not go home again to our home town and wonder if she is not with me is she with him. she is just not worth that, he can have her if thats her choice.
so basically I am 80% doing pretty well, all of my struggles these days are internal, How long to wait? Am i failing if I walk away? I have no hope so why have i not quit? Can i ever trust her? Can I get over issues and accept her without ever facing them together? To be honest most of my thoughts do not put her in a good light and do not point towards staying married to her, but I can't end it until I have satisfied my own standards and I don't know what those are, but this is not a bad thing, If i end it I know I will be happy and she is happy so who knows.
Time, is it on my side or does it just heal all? guess what only time will tell, so I am not going anywhere but there somewhere out there is an unknown line in the sand. I don't know when or where it is but I know it exist and life without her is not only possible but could be incredible.
please no one take this as me giving up or any reason why you should, its just what has been going through my mind lately.
((((Everyone))))
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
JWS, I think you've been hanging out with the little guy in my head. I wish that I had a better answer for you about when it's enough. Lola has always said to me that each of us are the only ones that can decide when we've had enough. Over in my latest thread, KerryK asked me if it weren't for the kids would I have already filed for D. That was a question that really got me thinking. I concluded that it would have taken as long and that my honor and integrity to my vows would have kept me trying for quite some time, but, that if I reached the place that I am at now without kids, I probably wouldn't hesitate.
I'm happy for the 80% and wish you all kinds of success with the other 20%.
Well Hell must have just froze over slightly!! thats should be taken humorously not bitterly.
I just got a call from W. she has not called me in several months in fact it was the first time I heard her ringtone on my new phone.
All week we have chatted through texts about her stress at school. she is having computer related trouble and its freaking her out. today she found out that the Mac store has yet to look at, does not know whats wrong or when to fix it, midterms start next wensday and they are all computer based. she left the store went to her car and broke down and started to text me. we talked a bit i listened (or read) and offered no advice just support. then she said she thinks she is having ulcers.
then all of a sudden that ringtone that I had never heard goes off, (i turned off the football game PMA) and answered. she was crying and said she is having a very hard time and did not know what to do, What should I do? I could not believe it.
lots of listening and supporting then I offered my suggestion. all this stress is not worth the 500 buck for a backup cheep laptop to take your test on. wait till next week and use the library computers like you have been, if mac does not come through by saturday we buy another one, use it till yours is better then send it to me since i have not had one since mine broke last christmas.
I told her i was concerned about the ulcers (she has had them before) and i did not want things to snowball on her. I asked her to please speak with the school doc or call our insurance company and go a see a family doc, she said she would and that thanked me or caring.
then she had to go to the library, she said she really appreciated my support and that she would let me know what happens, I told her to study hard then thy and watch the Beavers destroy USC tonight witch she rightfully laughed at, then we got off the phone.
I was in shock at first, then just glad I could help, she handled it right and was thankful and courteous witch goes along way for me. and now enough thinking about it the entire thing is out of my head and I am off to a car show and festival.
see supportive and distant! I like it
take care all
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
This is nuts, she keeps texting me and its driving me insane. two things. first I said I was going to put her out of my head, well that did not help her coming to me crying has effected me and broke down a few walls I worked hard to build, that night she started with playful texts, movie quotes back and forth very friendly, then a few days of nothing. it makes things very confusing, will you just leave me alone to my resentment unless you are willing to work on things.
then today more text with more money problems. she never really asked for anything but she spent a while telling me what things cost and then that she was very very tight. yeah sooooo!! so am I, i don't make enough money to support two totally independent lives that both love to live above their means and no income from her besides school lones. what the heck is she thinking. sure i'll sit be and take care of all of the bad bankrupting myself in the process when shes off enjoying her adventures and sharing all of the good with others.
sorry no bitterness here, like i said she did not ask for anything, I am just not sure what happens when she does. there is no extra money for her, its all going to take care of the life she walked away from, but at the same time if she starts defaulting on bills and crap I am still responsible for that kind of stuff. wow I am sure glad she did not choose the school that was right here, that would have made was to much sense. actually I guess I am glad she did not stay here, it much easier to not be around her if she can't be her instead of this damn alien.
sorry enough ranting, I am thinking of buying a punching bag to let loose one instead of wining about it here.
take care all
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
