Have you considered trying for primary custody of your D? It seems to me that she would be better off with you most of the time than with her promiscuous, manipulative, dishonest, unstable, alcoholic mother.
Hey, everyone! Thanks for chiming in. Good to hear from you Essie, Nut, and Phoenixdeux. And Kerry, that law does blow.
Yes, I do think my W is getting very desperate b/c she knows she's losing. Right now, I'm not going to concede anything to her. She's going to pay me 1/2 her pensions, she's going to have to move to a neutral location (if that is decreed) and she's going to have to share our D.
This was completely unnecessary and she knows it. Now this latest allegation is just way too much. My L and I today talked and he sent off something to her L and the parenting evaluator about her latest charge and we've requested for us both to take a polygraph test not only on this subject, but on her claims of "sexual assualt" as well.
If these aren't lies, we'll both be taking polygraphs. Anyone want to bet on the odds that a polygraph is agreed to be taken?
As for the custody issue, my L has requested a phone conference w/ her L and the parenting evaluator to discuss the progress of his report. No word on when that is scheduled for as of yet.
Today she sent me another e-mail telling me not to interrogate D and that her new "flavor of the month" man is willing to meet w/ me so I can learn more about him. I'm not replying. She gets nothing from me. NOTHING. She can have basic information, but I won't be responding to anything I get from her.
It is very sad. It never had to be like this and I'll be the reason for her problems for the rest of her life. She's not going to change any time soon. I just don't see it.
Finally, I started reading through the therapy notes from W's counselling and her T was working w/ her to stay in the marriage and to get through her issues from childhood - lots of childhood issues in the notes - up until she decided to file for D. Not surprisingly that is also when she stopped going to counselling.
Again, it is very sad, but it is also my reality. I'm ok w/it. I'm in a much better place now. I'm not sure how I got here, but I am ok.
Hey Nut. How are things w/ you? How is the school year going so far?
I did talk w/ my L about full custody but we're not sure if we can get it. It is hard for a state to take custody away from a mother unless you can prove she's a drug addict, alcoholic, or criminal.
I believe my W has a drinking problem, but she's never had a DWI or been cited, so I have nothing concrete to go against her.
So, we're looking at it, but I'm not sure it will be a realistic possibility.
School year is going fine--people keep making kids and I keep teaching them Spanish. It's fun, but after 18 years I'm starting to see why people look forward to retirement.
I'm glad to see that you've talked with your L about the possiblity of primary custody. If it's not realistic now, it may be in the future. Your W seems self-destructive.
I sincerely hope that you have the opportunity to show the world what a liar she is. She is just being nasty at this point. The only step lower would be to accuse you of sexually abusing your D. BTW--don't put that past her either.
Hey, Nut! Glad to hear school is going well. 18 years is a long time and I can understand your thoughts beginning to drift to retirement. Does California have a good retirement plan for teachers?
I just got done reading all of the therapy records that we were provided w/ from my W's C. She didn't go to therapy to get better and find answers. She went to get validated for her feelings and her C has done just that.
W isn't challenged at all by her C. Everything she states is taken as fact and I'm the bad guy in both of their eyes. No wonder she keeps going back to this C and no wonder she hasn't made any progress at all.
W said that I've said "nothing was my fault" which is completely untrue and the texts, e-mails, and depositions prove it. She also said that a friend told her she needs to "forgive me" but W says she can't b/c it would mean she'd lose her fight. Forgive me? It should be the other way around in my book.
In her therapy records, W is also clinging to the idea that I'm asking to spend 50% time w/ D to punish her.
She also claims I told D that I wanted to move into the same apartment complex as they currently live in so I could be closer to D. What??? There is NO WAY I'd want to live in the same complex as her. I told D I needed to move closer so I could see her more often, but I wouldn't move that close. Can you imagine that? I can't. W told her therapist this is just another way for me to try and control her.
Again, I just don't see it getting much better or being any different inside her head any time soon. I'm no longer holding my breath and waiting.
Anyway, it just proves that she's in very deep denial and isn't coming around any time soon. I'm not sure she knows how to let go of all of her anger. It is no longer up to me to try and help her out of her own head. It is no longer my problem.
On another note, W called me tonight at 6:15 to tell me D had an ant bite on her heel and had to wear flip-flops all weekend and that D wanted me to buy some Oreos for her to snack on. Funny how this was so important for me to know. Could it have anything to do w/ the fact I didn't return or react at all to her e-mail from this morning?
Anyway, I didn't say much at all. I kept things to one and two word answers and ended the conversation telling her I'd call back for D around 7:30. I had no problem not talking to her. Usually her voice made me think of her lovingly. It didn't have that impact today.
I also called D around 7:15 to tell her goodnight - as I told W I would do - and there was no answer so I was forced to leave a message. There hasn't been a call back and D is now in bed.
I hate this right now. I will be complete once our situation is settled.
Again, I just don't see it getting much better or being any different inside her head any time soon. I'm no longer holding my breath and waiting.RTL
That is where you need to be. Is there any timeline on going to court? An out-of-court settlement would be preferable, but she seems so invested in your being the root of all evil that she might not concede anything.
On the other hand...a pending court date puts a deadline on negotiations. That might help with a settlement.
We are supposed to go to court on Oct. 6, but my L thinks we may need a continuance b/c W and her L have been dragging their feet w/ everything. I'd like to get things finalized, but I'm not sure we will before Oct. 6.
I guess I'd say we'll either settle it all before Oct. 6 or have a continuance filed to extend the time.
Either way it is costing me a ton of money - which sucks.
I was reading more of W's therapist's notes and W mentions how I have "no idea how much I've hurt her." In one sense it made me feel guilty as W truly believes I've done an incredible amount of damage to her.
On the other hand, it is frustrating b/c I've admitted that I didn't know what I was doing as I was in deep denial w/ my own issues. I was denying myself so there was zero way I could see her.
I guess it is frustrating b/c I get zero credit for working on me and coming to a place where I really can see other people's perspectives on things and look at how things affect more than just me. I'm still receiving 100% of the blame for our troubles. That is frustrating.
Also, if W never opened up to me about how she was "being hurt" then how could I have known? I can't read minds but yet I'm expected to be able to do so. Why weren't we in couples' counselling to work on these issues? Why would W run away and then point the finger back in my direction? It is really easy to blame after the fact, but why didn't she take positive action to help our marriage?
W will say she did take positive action b/c she left me. I don't see that as positive. I see that as giving up, giving in, and taking the easy way out. Maybe I'm wrong and selfish here, but that's how I see it. Am I off base?
Question for you RTL. When has she ever taken any responsibility for her role in the bad things that have happened to her? My guess is not very often, and then only within the context of "but you, he, she..."
She's never taken responsibility for anything that has happened to her. I know it is my fault to expect proper behavior from her, but I still don't understand how a person can behave like this. I really don't.
Why on Earth didn't I see any of this coming when we were dating? I'm hoping it was b/c I was struggling w/ my own issues so much that I couldn't see all the red flags.
Oh, hey, I did forget to add that I caught W in at least one lie by reading her therapy notes. She said under oath at her deposition that the new wedding ring was my idea, but told her therapist the truth in the therapist notes that it was all her suggestion. I know it is only a small thing, but it is a discovery of at least one truth. Hopefully, we'll uncover more and more as time goes on.
