Being Strong and Alive

[Bagheera]

Greetings S&A,

Having babies and small children in the house had a MAJOR effet on my wife's sex-drive, to the point that from the moment the child was born all the way until the kid was getting on board a bus for kindergarten, I knew that my wife's focus would be on the child, over and above our relationship. Other women aren't so child-centric as mine, but it is still a common marriage problem.

Having a baby to take care of really puts their mothering, nurturing, caring instincts into full gear. I could swear that my wife's thought processes (relationship wise) looked like: BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY husband. You get the idea. Which means that you will have to work extra hard to get her attention back to you and your relationship with her.

The four things that you are combating right now are her feelings of being:

* child-centered
* overwhelmed
* tired or exhausted
* unattractive and unsexy

First tip: you've already figured out the best way of getting her to notice you and the love that you have for her: support her and help her with the BABY as much as possible. She's wrapped up in it, and your direct involvement and support will help steer her more in your direction. Insist on doing things with and for the baby, even if your diapering jobs aren't as neat has hers, you can't burp as expertly as she can, whatever -- ensure her that your masculine style with the baby won't be to it's detriment. In fact, YOU need to bond with the baby too and the baby with you, and hands-on is the only way to do it.

Second tip: which goes along with the above. Take over the baby often and give Mom some time to herself: some relaxation time, some fun time, some social time with other women. You may have to 'throw' her out of the house with a girlfriend to get her to stop hanging on the baby's every whimper and to keep her from constantly monitoring YOU to make sure you're doing it right. At this stage, she can't hardly help that, so you have to help HER detach for short bouts of time.

Third tip: affirmation, affirmation, affirmation. Carrying and bearing and caring for a baby is decidedly un-sexy, and your wife may be feeling very unattractive and far from sexy right now. I don't care how much weight she may have gained or where the new stretch marks may be, YOU have got to affirm to her, over and over, every day, just how beautiful and attractive and sexy she is to you -- and mean it. If she's nursing, she may feel more like a milk-cow than a woman with sexy breasts right now, and you have to assure her that they're still just as sexy as ever (and if you like big breasts, then there's a temporary bonus there too). Here's another secret for you: mother's milk tastes wonderful: yes, sexual stimulation gets things flowing, but yes, Dad can take care of that and get in a 'feeding' of his own. There's plenty there to share a little with you occasionally, and mom enjoys it too (at least, my wife did).

Fourth tip: as soon as the baby is old enough and you have a reliable sitter available, make definite dates with your wife, without baby in tow. Yes, this is will be hard for your wife, especially at first, but it gets easier with time. Your wife really needs that time away from the baby and to be a WIFE with a HUSBAND again every now and then.

Now my disclaimer: Despite having four tries at it, I still did a LOT of things wrong with all four children. My wife was the queen of the child-centered marriage, and it made me feel like the outsider looking in every time. I did get better with each one, but each child stressed my already battered marriage. So take my post as a "do as I say, but not as I did" bit.

Best regards,

-- B.