Please help me to not give up............

[grant]

Thanks HC. It's much appreciated. I posted a little aside on your thread. I can see why you might be a little "frazzled" right now. I think though, what's happening with you is perhaps a sign of better things ahead. I do hope so.

Still going to meetings, and although it stirs up great emotions of sorrow, guilt, and remorse, there is great comfort in sharing and listening to other people. I guess in much the same way that we take solace here. Thanks for the encouragement. It's "progress not perfection".

Guess I have tried to not think about the future too much........ Christmas, Anniversaries, etc. It's all a bit too painful, and it kinda goes against the idea of trying to keep in all in the day. But we're only human, and after 20 years of loving somebody (however imperfectly), it's so difficult to not have those emotions, hurt and fear.

I will either do nothing, or email or text her something along the lines of "I'm thinking of you today". That's hard because I nearly always take those opportunities to tell how how much she means to me and how much I love her.

Don't suppose I'd get away with "I miss you".

I am glad that you think my posts are hopeful. I read through some of them the other day, just to look back at my timeline and all that had happened this past few months. Perhaps sometimes I post what I think I need to hear, maybe repeating DB principals and reaching out for spiritual guidance and strength. Guess I do share my deepest worries and fears, but I am so conscious of the fact that to have some kind of PMA at least some of the time, can pay dividends.

In truth, I struggle daily, hourly even. Although it's been 6 months now, in some ways I feel like I've only just begun. My biggest fear is that I somehow don't do enough, or leave something undone. Nothing is more important to me than trying to change my life, to make amends, and to have the best relationship that I possibly can with the people in my life. It's a constant battle, but one that I need to fight, until all is exhausted.

Finally perhaps, I am becoming more self-aware. Maybe too much. LOL.

Grant