Perhaps just like it took for me as a WAW he has to really feel like I am done and I don't think he gets that yet.
I can't imagine how being a pushover could help your situation. Your failure to disapprove is essentially approval. If it were me, I would basically say, "I'm done. I know about the affair and I'm through with you." And leave it at that.
It sounds like you learned most by spying? Is that correct? Are you saying you haven't even told him you know yet? If he knows you know, and is doing this stuff in front of your face, then he doesn't care you know. That's worse. If he just thinks he's being sneaky, then it's different. You responding with a firm barrier (ie you will not be with him while he's cheating)may be enough to shake him up into pursuing you instead.
There are different approaches. You could do the DB ignore the affair stuff (and let your self-esteem continue to circle the drain) or you could set some boundaries, which basically is you won't tolerate cheating.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
It sounds like you learned most by spying? Is that correct? Are you saying you haven't even told him you know yet? If he knows you know, and is doing this stuff in front of your face, then he doesn't care you know. That's worse. If he just thinks he's being sneaky, then it's different. You responding with a firm barrier (ie you will not be with him while he's cheating)may be enough to shake him up into pursuing you instead.
I did spy. I don't believe I have said the words "I know you are having an affair" or something to the effect. I think the closest I came was saying a year ago that his relationship was "inappropriate". I'm embarrased if he is too stupid to realize when I have directly quoted him or made mention of the things he has talked about with these girls. His cell phone is attached to his hand, he deletes everything on his phone and computer, turns the phone on silent (Way to go Einstein, what am I blind. I can see you texting 3ft. away from me.) goes outside to talk and all the classic signs of a cheater. He keeps changing his passwords so it would seem he is, at the very least, suspicious.
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There are different approaches. You could do the DB ignore the affair stuff (and let your self-esteem continue to circle the drain) or you could set some boundaries, which basically is you won't tolerate cheating.
Mmmm. Guessing I'm in a chaseless tunnel. Should I just confront him and say I am done or shall I say end the affair or I am going to let the cat out of the bag (not just the affair but ALL of his lies including that we are not divorced and just about everything else that he has said, typed and done the last year about myself, him, and our marriage both past and present)to EVERYONE; friends and family.
Last edited by HOPEFULinCALI; 09/11/0811:17 PM.
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
Should I just confront him and say I am done or shall I say end the affair or I am going to let the cat out of the bag
No one can give you that answer. It is a personal decision that you alone have to make. Do what is right for you.
That said, whatever you do decide, no matter the outcome, no matter what H's reaction may be, YOU MUST ENFORCE YOUR BOUNDARIES BY FOLLOWING THROUGH. He WILL NOT take you seriously if you don't take serious ACTION.
If you tell H you are done, then be DONE.
If you tell him to end the A, and he doesn't, follow through. "Out" his lies and the A.
Prepare yourself, and realize that it may get worse before it gets any better.
Take care.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
He sounds like he's still in a sense "sneaking around", even if he isn't good at it. He probably is just looking for a young piece and you are letting him work on that by pretending that there is no problem. He might break this whole thing off himself if you tell him you know, show some outrage, and indicate that you will NOT tolerate it (you decide on consequences for yourself).
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Caught H on the phone with Ms. New York purely by accident. He was on the phone with her and I asked him a question. He was supposed to have visited her this month but cancelled his trip. She lost it. Having enough of his lies and things seemed to have ended btwn. them. Great, right. Not so much.
Cut to Mexico. Instead of visiting Ms. New York he went to visit Ms. Mexico. With each EA things seem to get more intense. EVERY NIGHT he sits right in front of me texting and IM with her ALL NIGHT. They talk about being together and starting a life. I'm trying to hard to let go. I have been GAL like crazy, being his friend, trying to be the more attractive option and.......nothing.
In January it will be six months since papers were filed (by me for legal sep. he requested a D) and he fights me on everything no matter how much I comprimise.
Just going crazy. Everytime I see him on the computer I want to take a hammer to that darn thing. How did my loving faithful husband become this monster. He makes me sick so why can't I let go or get through to him. I'm right here and they are thousands of miles away. He admitted to me the other day that he hadn't forgiven me for leaving. I don't know that I will ever break down that wall.
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
It isn't necessarily your wall to break. Forgiveness isn't a gift one gives to another - it's a gift one must give themselves. Until your H is willing to work through the anger and resentment he feels, he won't be able to even think about forgiveness.
Now, please forgive me as I don't know much of your sitch, but it sounds like you and H are S'ed but still living in the same house? If so, just curious why that is? Is it possible for one of you to get your own space? My guess is that H can't miss what he can see everyday.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Now, please forgive me as I don't know much of your sitch, but it sounds like you and H are S'ed but still living in the same house? If so, just curious why that is? Is it possible for one of you to get your own space? My guess is that H can't miss what he can see everyday.
Initially when I started talking with my coach in October 07 she recommended that I stay in the house. When things did not improve she recommended that I move out and I did in December 07. Things did improve. We were able to reduce the feelings of hostility and become friends. We have been in stage 1.5-2 ever since. On November 10th he leaves for the CHP and I had planned to move back in to the home we own together. As it turned out my roommate moved out of town in September and my coach recommended that I move back in so that I could show him my changes and give him something to miss when he is in the academy for six months.
Thank you Going Forward. You are right I can't break down that wall. I just keep banging my head against it.
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
Thank you Going Forward. You are right I can't break down that wall. I just keep banging my head against it.
Yeah, I think we all do that!
Ok, so first, thank you for the recap - appreciate it - and now I get why your coach suggested that you move back into the house. However, it doesn't seem to be working since he's still very much in contact with these OW.
Hmm.
What do you think you could do differently that would possibly catch his attention? What would be a real 180 for the sitch?
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
What do you think you could do differently that would possibly catch his attention? What would be a real 180 for the sitch?
Hmm. I've been going crazy trying to figure that one out too. I have always worked out and dressed nice. I keep that up.
The few times we saw our therapist after the bomb he compared me to his girl friends. "They are always happy", he says. "They don't bring work home or their problems home". He also said that he wanted to be with someone who wanted to go out and try new things. This really got me b/c I was the one who complained all through counseling that he never wanted to do anything and he would say that all he wanted to do was stay home but then complain that I wouldn't invite him.
So, I am happy all the time. I never argue with him. I still give my opinion however my approach is different. I invite him out. I do not pressure or pursue and I have my own life.
We went from friends to friendly. He only desires to sit at home ALL day (he is in between the Navy and the CHP Academy) and email her and sit at home ALL night and have IM conversations well into the night. Of course he claims they are just friends.
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
- and now I get why your coach suggested that you move back into the house. However, it doesn't seem to be working since he's still very much in contact with these OW.