Hey T2L, your right he does talk about these apts all the time. It is sad because he likes to share everything with me. We are compatible that way that we always helped each other out. The problem is that he does not know anything about bills, taxes, anything so he has depended on me for all of that for 21 years. Then he says I am controlling -- go figure. I am making a coach busting for next week with Jody. I will let you all know how it goes. It is expensive but she is very good and gave me some great advice last time. I will deal with the bill when it is on my charge. It is nice with this board because it is therapy of the soul also with all of us strong women.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Hope - I will pray for you through that hurricane! Maybe this is your opportunity to show your strength to your husband while you are with him during this time. Show him you can live on and act "as if" like we are all trying to do.
Star - Can you believe it? There is a place here in AZ that you can go to that will fill out the paperwork for a divorce and file it for you with the courts. You don't need a lawyer if it is a consentual agreement. Well he has another thing coming if he thinks I am just going to sign some document he had done at this place without me taking it to a lawyer or just getting a lawyer to protect myself! He is in la la land.... He has this OW and people around him filling him with this stuff. Its just crazy.
T2L - I know my H thinks I am filling my D with things about him since she won't talk to him but I made it clear that I was not. This is her decision and I have actually been encouraging her to talk to him because she needs to let her feelings, thoughts, and emotions out so that he knows what he has done and is doing at this moment in time.
Get this...he texts me today asking how much my health insurance is per month. I ask why and he says its to determine the child support amount. I tell him and end up saying a few things I probably shouldn't have but I did. Again he says it has nothing to do with her and that it is about us (sound familiar?). I told him everything he is doing IS because he is being controlled by her and that he can't see that right now but he will. I didn't cry at all while sending these messages. But I did say that what I have gained from all this is realizing how many people really love me and care about me and how I have come to truly appreciate everything in my life but most of all the love of my D that has carried me through this in the past and will carry me through this again.
Walk tall, talk strong, and be confident.
H kept asking me why I didn't just want to move on. I may be reading too much into it but why would he care at this point when he already filed.
Anyway! Today was a good day but tomorrow will be great!
Me35/H35 D16/SS14 M-1yr/known H 18yrs 1st Bomb: 4/26 OW35 2nd Bomb: 8/17 OW21 Moved out 8/21/08 H filed D on 9/9/08
God determines who walks into your life...it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.
{{{{{Marisol}}}}}}}}} You sound strong tonight. I was actually doing a DB for my H tonight. He was putting plywood up (a miracle since he has done nothing in months), so when he comes in I tell him "You are my hero tonight", I think he was shocked. He said yeah wait a day or two and I will be an A--hole again. So I say but today you are my hero. I think he was pleased. Marisol, get legal advice as soon as possible, for your own protection. Do you own a house or anything? How long were you married. Most states if you are married more than 10 years gives you more rights. If my H starts talking D seriously then I will go. My biggest fear is that he will make out very well if they split our assets. He is so bad with money he will burn through 1/2 of our life savings in a year. Hoping it does not come to that. I know it is upsetting that H is filing but let him think that you are moving on. Tell him you get it, you understand he is happy and then do a 180 and back off. No calling, no texting anything. Let him wonder why? We have to through them some curve balls and actions they do no expect. You do sound better today and I am happy you have your feet firmly on the ground.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Before I forget, someone sent me this prayer. It is the "hedge of thorns" about God building a hedge around our spouse. I thought it would not hurt to pass it on since this is the infidelity forum.
I have read about "hedge of thorns" which is a prayer to keep others away from your spouse. I have started saying this prayer. here is what I have on it. I believe in God and I have faith. Good luck and God bless GOD GIVES FIVE STEPS TO WIN BACK A WAYWARD PARTNER (Hosea 2:14-16) 1. Allure him/her away from ungodly influences. 2. Speak gently and lovingly. 3. Reestablish responsibility and by it restore hope. 4. Cause him/her to sing for joy. 5. Build an intimate friendship. The following prayer is an example of building a hedge of thorns around an unfaithful marriage partner: "Heavenly Father, I ask You in the name and through the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ, to build a "hedge of thorns" around my partner. I pray that through this hedge, any other lover will lose interest and depart. I base this prayer on Your Word which commands that what You have joined together, let not man put asunder." ((Matthew 19:6)
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PUT A "HEDGE OF THORNS" AROUND AN UNFAITHFUL PARTNER? 1. He/she will lose direction. "...I will hedge up thy way with thorns, and make a wall, that she shall not find her paths."
2. Any other "lovers" will leave. "...she shall follow after her lovers, but she shall not overtake them; and she shall seek them, but shall not find them."
3. Troubles will prompt a return "...then shall she say, I will go and return to my first husband: for then was it better with me than now." Hosea 2:6-16
A "hedge will be ineffective if you have not resolved all past offenses, or if you do not follow through with Scriptural steps of actions.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Hey everyone! Don't know if anyone is still awake? Im a night nurse and the babies are sleeping right now. Anyway, I don't post as often as some, but just let me say Im getting addicted. Its so nice to talk to those who know exactly where youre coming from and dont think youre a lunatic for actually wanting to save your marriage. Gotta stay positive and that means surrounding ou rselves with positive people.
Hope3343 I agree with T2l. I would play the apartment thing down.It's a boost to their sick egos when they get any rise out of us. Right now concentrate your energy on you and your kids safety during this hurricane. I don't know about you, but Im starting to feel like the Bible character Job. Since my marriage has come crashing down it has been nothing but a string of bad luck for me too. So you are coachbusting too? How's that going? I finally bit the bullet and bought 6 sessions. Used my first one last week with Vernetta. Too early to say for me.
Marisol- yes I too think legal advice is in your best interest right now. "The Divorce Store"?!?! And I thought picking a lawyer randomly out of a phone book was taking it too lightly! (which is what my H did ) I strongly believe in good referrals for matters so serious, which is how I got a couple names of mediators . Left the names with H personal belongings the last time he was home with kids. He left the names behind but took his other belongings. So dont know what he's up to. I'm considering seeking advice on my own, but cost and hope are deterring me at the moment. I do wonder how much OW pushes them for D.
Right now very concerned about OW's H. He was the one that informed me of A and I didnt believe it until H confessed. OW's H called again and we vented our feelings, but since then Ive ignored any other calls and texts from him. He showed up at my house unannounced with their two S to find out why Ive been avoiding him and was I mad at him. I said not mad at him , just trying to disassociate from everything and GAL because this was feeling very uncomfortable, then politely excused myself. He obviously didnt get hint because he called the next day- wants to take his kids to same church. I just cried and cried. I cant tell someone they cant go to church, especially the kids, but that is my "sanctuary" our "happy place" . Thats last thing I need is OW's H sitting down the aisle from me! H called this morning to ask why OW's H was at the house. H said OW's H left voice message threatening to "blow his head off" and sent blanket email to all families on S11 baseball team telling them about A and for all men to watch their wives closely because the "coach" (my H) might be f*#$%$g their wives too. I hate what my H is doing, but OW's H cannot be making threats like this! He's still my H AND my children's father! Getting scared.
me-36 H-38 S-14 S-11 D-11 IDLYA bomb 6/18/08 H moved out 6/19/08 H confessed EA(probably PA by now)and asked for D 7/04/08
My H is driving me crazy! Last night when he picked up the girls he came in and gave me a hug and told me you look good,maaan. Why does he do this? Then our one D told him Lindsey (OW) is not here Daddy. His face turned red and he looked at me and I 1/2 smiled at him and calmly said in a sarcastic way, Isn't she cute. I thought it was funny b/c I know he was expecting me to fly off the handle as he usually says. I remained calm. He called this morn to tell me that last night our one D was giving him problems. She was throwing a fit and calling out for her Mommy. He said that it made him feel like crap and he thinks that it just shows that he does not spend enough time with them and he thinks that he should get more time with them at his place. He said that it has been 4 months and they should feel comfortable at his place and that her behavior indicates she needs to be with him more. I stayed calm but this is crazy, he has no idea of what this is doing to our girls and still thinks that moving towards D b/c he still won't say that is what we are doing is best for us. Wow he needs a swift kick in his a**! I suggested co-parenting C and he said yes. This is good but I feel that for our M this is confirming that a D is what he wants. I will keep praying for him to have a change of heart and that in the mean time we can keep the children's interest first. What types of visitation do any of you guys have?
Me-30 H-30 M-6yrs T-14yrs Twin D's-2 Bomb-1/01/08 Left Home 2/01/08 (rented a room) Back Home 4/02/08 Left Home 5/08/08 (moved into own apt.) OW-21 5/29/08
I am so sorry for what we are all going through. It seems JGrind that the mess with your H is very scary. Is your H contacting the police for the threats? The crazy thing your H and the OW are so selfish that they just don't see the severity of this problem. It is so true that they refer to the WAS as being in a fog. They see what they want, hear what they want, and do what they want without paying any mind to anybody else. It is really sad to watch this play out and have no control over any of it! I will pray for all of us here!
Me-30 H-30 M-6yrs T-14yrs Twin D's-2 Bomb-1/01/08 Left Home 2/01/08 (rented a room) Back Home 4/02/08 Left Home 5/08/08 (moved into own apt.) OW-21 5/29/08
JGrind - 2:30 am, I was probably tossing and turning waking up every hour as I have done for weeks. My suggestion for OW H - cut off all contact. He sound like a loose cannon. You didn't have to expose your H, he did all the work already. Let your H handle the OW H. He should be the one to contact the police if it gets out of hand. We do not need to rescue our H's. This is one of the reasons they leave us because they perceive us as controlling. As for church your right that is your happy place. If OW H comes there, talk to your pastor about this. OW H is not coming for the Lord but for you to see him and tell your H. If the pastor talks to OW H, he will probably not come back because he is not looking for salvation just attention. It is a tough situation because with this OW H acting out it is making your H want to protect the OW and you are trying to draw him away. This message board is a comfort for me also. Thank you T2L for starting this link. I am setting my next coach busting appt for next week. I agree that I should not go visit the apt etc. Want to run it by the counselor. I read one blog about someone that helped his W move into her place, help set up her utilities, that the OM got mad and then the W defended the H and they ended getting back together, I don't know if I have the strength to go all that out.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Well everyone congrat me, I did a very effective 180 today. H shows up at my desk today and we go outside, kills me that we work together also. He says he has to do a credit check for apt and put the deposit and first month. Very nicely I tell him well I transferred 1/2 of your part of the savings in your acct yesterday. I think I floored him since I did it on my own. Then he says well I have no new checks for my acct and only use ATM, can I write a check with our other joint bank acct and you can transfer the money in there. I tell him I can't do that electronically, he will have to take out 500 for 3 days and deposit it into that acct. He is used to me doing all of that stuff. He was all flustered, because he has no clue on how to do things. Then he tells me that he talked to D15 about his drinking and how he apologized to her and will try to do better. Then he starts asking about some leadership program my daughter got invited to do that is in New Zealand next summer. I look at him and say we can't do that. He said I can pay half, so I tell him I do not have half to pay. I said don't you understand I am staying in our house but will have no extra money for anything. He is so used to spending money he has no concept of bills. He is in for a rude awakening. Then here is the 180 bomb. He says well I will see how it goes moving and see what happens. So being a DB girl that I am officially, says "well I just hope that if you change your mind that I will still be there for you. I know I told you that I would wait for you but I have been thinking, maybe at that point I will not want you back. I reminded him about a friend I had at work in CT before that was devasted when H left and 6 months later he wanted back and she said sorry too late and I thought she would never do that so people do change." He had on his expensive sunglasses (of course) and I could not see his eyes but he stood there shocked. He did not move, so DBing once again, said well let me go inside -- gotta go I am sure you will figure everything out. When I left him he was still not moving. I really felt good. twin hope your H is getting that reality check that all would be find with the kids...not. My H went to a "how to tell your kids D class last Saturday", H thinks he is now father of the year. How a class is run and how the kids react are 2 different things. He thinks it will be a classbook case. He does not truly know his D15. She is just like him. He is planning on moving out the end of the month. I am taking deep breaths.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Hey guys did I also mention the OW is completely different from me actually opposites. In fact a few weeks ago my daughter said dad you went from gold to dirt, and he responds yeah I did. Mind you my daughter can hear her in the background talking to her son.
OW is the same age, she has been divorced. Was engaged when A started. She has 3 children. One over 18. The 2nd child is 14 but she has had to ship off the 2nd child because she is so bad and keeps getting in trouble with the law. And of course a son 9 who lives with them now. My children are awesome, well raised-of course a few rough spots because of this but over all great kids. They go to church weekly with no complaining.
From what I understand, being told by a mutual friend of both H and I, that this girl is bad news. Hangs out at the bar.
He had a friendship with her is what he confessed to me, that they had talked on the phone for almost a year. I think an EA then a PA. I think he deliberately chose someone who was a mess. Although my H outwardly looked confident, I knew he wasn't. Where I may complain about myself a little but inwardly I am more confident. Anyways me and the OW total opposites-total complete opposites. I am hoping this will work to my favor. She seems real unstable but he went through with it anyways. Her kids are a mess but he did it anyways. ?????
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
