Whether you decide to divorce her or not divorce her, she will still have you watching the kids and her going out. The only difference will be that your not legally married, but what are you now? Not married in any real sense of the word. So what difference will it make? And even if divorced I suspect she'd still be nice when it suited her to get what she wanted.
So, how about rather than truly push for a D, that you do get your ducks in a row legally, but don't push the button. You just proceed as though you are divorced. Go as dark as possible with her, focus on you and your children, and basically try to make life as fulfilling as possible under the assumption that you are divorced. It may help because you will stop having expectations of her...divorced people can't expect much of their XS except for child related things. One of the daughters is just her though, right? I really don't know what to say about that because she's still with you, and I know you want that. But what will happen if you are truly divorced? She'll have to go to her mom.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Where I asked if bringing divorce papers to his initial confrontation with his wife would have worked better. I really liked his answer as it gave me some insight into how he was thinking and behaving.
I'm finding a lot of wisdom over there. I'm not sure what things you've done to set boundaries and to tell your wife in no uncertain terms that her behavior is unacceptable.
Anyway, that thread and the one called "Why the lies?" have provided some insight recently. You might give them a read.
Phoenix, Thank you for that. That sounds good but, I worry that I can't protect myself financially as long as we are still married. She does have a job now but is also still spending. If things keep on like they are we're going to have to stop paying something, Credit loan, car loan or one of the houses. It's a bad sitch w/o the R and M stuff. I want to protect my credit as much as possible. I could probably handle the infidelity better if she wasn't also taking me down with her financially. She actually sugested we look into bankruptcy...WTF, that is something that I never would consider. I think it's irresponsible.
Dan, thanks for that link that was very helpful, I have thought of that very thing.
I guess if I am going to do anything that involves talking with the W I need to figure out a position. If I am going to make a stance I want it to be realistic and plausible. Somehow I don't see her giving up this life so if that's the case "What do I ask for?"
I have a lot to think about now so that is good. My C is refering me to a local Divorce and separation group which should prove interesting. He says it is comprised of both LBS's and WAS's.
I Asked my father today about a L I was thinking about consulting. He refered one and we spoke briefly...he said he hated to see me being treated like a doormat. (Ouch) If my parents think that way...
...I made an appointment to get a consult. I don't want to file. But I think I should know more about what is involved. In any case it lets me "act".
I still don't have a solid course of action.
Me:34 W:31 d's 5 & 10 M: 5 years, T: 8, Bomb1 3/8/08,#2:3/28/08 Asked 4 D:4/19/08, discovered PA 5/8/08,W moved out 6/30/08 W pregnant by OM: 2/17/08
I found this particularly helpful. Thanks again Dan for pointing me to that thread. And to Puppy, I think I've wanted a rundown of what you did for a while. (I never did find it in your past threads)
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Fierce,
There's nothing wrong with waiting, so long as, WHILE you are waiting, you don't say or do anything that makes him misinterpret your silence in any way. I "waited" for my wife for three months to end her affair, but it was a whirlwind of pretty ACTIVE "waiting." It took:
- initial confrontation - initial exposure of our adult daughters - additional exposure of her parents, my parents, both families' siblings, her and OM's employer - a VERY aggressive "PLEASE STOP THE LYING, NOW" re-confrontation at the 60-day mark - filing for divorce
All the while, yes, I "GAL" and was generally civil (and at times even loving) and was the best dad I could possibly be. "Look good and smell good" and all that rot.
HOWEVER, let me assure you, that at no point during my 90-day ordeal was I ever NOT working to control of the timeline and the agenda of the endgame. No, I could not control HER, nor her decision as to whether or not to end her affair and return to our marriage, but I never stopped observing, studying, praying, getting legal (and other) counsel, seeking support from family, friends and here on this forum, etc.
ACTIVE waiting.
Finally, I want to say something about this whole "push them toward the OW/OM" thing. I have NEVER understood that, nor agreed with it. BY DEFINITION, we are talking about people in active affairs . . . how much more "close" do they need to be to them???? We cannot "push" them. We can only let them know very clearly what OUR boundaries of personal integrity are, and that our patience is not without limits. What they then DO with that information, is entirely up to them.
Do I think it's possible to drive away a spouse, to push them towards an OM/OW? Yes . . . by being a JERK, unloving, a poor parent to their children, a person of low or no integrity, engaging in fights and angry outbursts, not living up to our responsibilies, etc., etc. But NOT by being a person of strong integrity and letting them know that we are NOT willing to live with a third person in our marriage.
OK, end of rant. I feel much better now.
Puppy
This makes me wonder if I should have a calm yet serious conversation where I clarify my feelings that I don't want a D but it's not OK for her to be cheating etc...
Much to think about. At least I'm calm.
Me:34 W:31 d's 5 & 10 M: 5 years, T: 8, Bomb1 3/8/08,#2:3/28/08 Asked 4 D:4/19/08, discovered PA 5/8/08,W moved out 6/30/08 W pregnant by OM: 2/17/08
Yes, I got a lot out of what PDT had to say there also. He also talked in another place about how the unfaithful partner will usually end up very angry with the faithful partner if they confront them about the affair etc. Then, he pointed out that many times, they end up angry with the faithful spouse even if they DON'T confront them about the affair. So, you might as well draw a line in the sand and let them know that your patience is not infinite and that you are a man of character and integrity.
I wish you all the best as you are planning your strategy forward.
I didn't realize that. Why in the world do you still share finances? Get your own accounts. Close all joint accounts. Cancel all joint credit cards. You are the one caring for the kids so you owe her nothing. If the time comes for divorce, she's the one that will have to be paying child support. I assumed you had separated all that months ago. Get it done ASAP. I did that before my wife even moved out. You've got to protect yourself. You can do that without a divorce. You don't owe her anything despite appearing married.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
We share joint debt in her car loan, the house(s), and a bunch of joint CC debt. All of these affect both our credit. As far as I know I can't remove myself from them.
Me:34 W:31 d's 5 & 10 M: 5 years, T: 8, Bomb1 3/8/08,#2:3/28/08 Asked 4 D:4/19/08, discovered PA 5/8/08,W moved out 6/30/08 W pregnant by OM: 2/17/08
Can you not call the credit card company and have that account closed? I know they can issue another card with a different account number. So, I don't know why there would be a problem in closing the account. Tell them that divoce is pending and you must close the account to avoid more charges or else it could mean bankrupt. I think they will work with you in order to prevent that from happening b/c they want their money! There are too many divorces with stitches just like yours. There are ways around the credit cards. You must get banking accounts. The big things like the cars and house.....that has to be decided upon differently, but you certainly do not need to place yourself at her disposal.....b/c she will dispose of as much as she can and leave you holding the bill.
I hate to see anyone give up on a M that hasn't lasted any longer than this. You've only been on the board a few months. However, I do not believe in a man being a doormat for his WAW, nor do I believe he should financially support her if she is the one that walks away for another man. Child support is simply that....what the children need when they are with her......not a nice home for her to live in and a nice care to drive around.
I wish you the best, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Stuff she charges now is in her own name. I think locking down my finances is where I need to focus.
Right now I'm trying to decide wether I should confront her one more time about the cheating before I stop paying things that are not mine. And I need to figure out what to do about her car payment. (which is in both of our names) I don't want to pay her stuff but if I don't it will ruin my formerly perfect credit.
Me:34 W:31 d's 5 & 10 M: 5 years, T: 8, Bomb1 3/8/08,#2:3/28/08 Asked 4 D:4/19/08, discovered PA 5/8/08,W moved out 6/30/08 W pregnant by OM: 2/17/08
