Not much to report. We are being cordial, I emailed him and asked him how could I have acted differently or said differently that would have led him to feeling that I did take responsibility for my part in the past. He responded that he did not feel that I didn't take responsibility, although he said something to that effect. I don't know if he is just avoiding the discussion or what.
I need to distance and let go, to stop looking into every little detail and to focus on what I can effect and need to do, not those things I have no control over.
I am still so sad, perhaps a bit angry that once again my choices are being dictated by someone else and that I will be forced to give up some of those things that are dear to me (time with kids).
I don't think I can or should make any decisions right now, I am thinking I just need to back off and get my bearings and see how I feel. I will admit to hoping that he will change his mind again, but I just don't know.
Life has no guarantees right, so this is just another crapp shoot.
I wish I could not feel so sad.
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
Hi 123, I was reading your thread. You need to go back to DB, GAL immediately. You are basing all your needs and feelings on what his reactions. Stop. Read Divorce Rememdy MLC and depression. I am currently dealing with both right now with my H moving out the end of this month. It has been a nightmare. I found the more I tried to guilt him and pressure him - he was running out the door. Originally he said IANH to our 21 year old marriage there was nothing good out it. yes there is OW but not sure if it is EA instead of PA right now. In your best interest get ready for school enjoy your kids, appear happy and you will be happy. Many times I have slipped into the old pattern and I am trying to renew myself till things get better.
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m 52 H 49 D15 D28 bomb IANH 7/27/08 bomb II - OW 8/4 moving out 10/1
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
I know I have to get out of this pattern. I will have to really focus on distance, acting as if, that sort of thing. I did great this evening, the kids and I watched a movie, and all was fine and nice, felt good even. Then H came home after a dinner with co-workers, didn't want to spoil the movie ending for himself, so he went to bed, not even 2 words to me. Made me mad, I need to find a way to turn that thinking around and not get sucked into negativity.
He is losing out by not communicating with me. He is. I am strong and grounded, he is the alien. I have plenty to offer, I can be patient and understanding, he is the one who is moody and causing these issues, he is the one who can't forgive and move forward. He is stuck in the past. I have a bright future ahead of me, I need to keep my focus on that and that type of thinking. I am going to enjoy the weekend time with my kids, not fuss over him and his attitude. I am prepared for there to be lots of attitude this weekend. I am not going to let it get me down.
Distance, PMA, working on my life and making a happy home for my kids. That is what I can do, that is what I have control over. Remember that girly, remember that.
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
H is working on projects, of course he reminded me it is stuff we need to get done, and then said he likes to do it, this was after I thanked him and told him the things he was doing looked nice. Why does he always have to remind me, some subtle way that nothing is different.
I am trying to study and work on a couple projects. I miss feeling companionship.
Last night I dreamed I was involved with someone else, it was strange to wake up from that, I didn't really know how I felt, either in the dream or with that idea planted. I do know that I was happy to be wanted again.
123, I miss the companionship also and he is still living here. Sometimes I forget and almost move towards him and then I panic. How did we get to this place? I dread telling both Ds in the next week that he is moving out. It will be horrible. I am still trying to focus and move forward. took a walk on the beach tonight and tried to put things in perspective and just pray. It is just the 3 of us here with all our family 2000 miles away. I feel so isolated. Take care and stay strong
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
123, I miss the companionship also and he is still living here. Sometimes I forget and almost move towards him and then I panic. How did we get to this place? I dread telling both Ds in the next week that he is moving out. It will be horrible. I am still trying to focus and move forward. took a walk on the beach tonight and tried to put things in perspective and just pray. It is just the 3 of us here with all our family 2000 miles away. I feel so isolated. Take care and stay strong
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Hope3343, I hear you on being lonely with someone next to you. I keep reminding myself that happiness and contentment has to come from inside of me or it will never stay, can't get it from the outside. Hope telling the kids is hard, but a relief at the same time, then they understand why you are feeling down, the healing can start when everyone is on the same page, stay strong.
Not much going on here, did my own thing tonight, made dinner and did the dishes and a couple other cleaning up things, then went for a walk with a friend and visited for a bit, it was nice for me. I just got home, of course H is gone up to bed, but not very long ago. Oh well.
Trying to work the distance thing. Trying to work on the PMA.
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
In a discussion with a friend today she said that she doesn't see how I can hang on and tolerate H living in the same house as me. She basically said what am I waiting for and why don't I recognize that this is over? So my question is when do you throw in the towel. If I still feel like I want this to work, I still feel like I have love for my H, even if he says he doesn't feel that for me and doesn't want it to work, am I a fool for hoping?
When do you know it is done?
I don't think I feel that right now, I do acknowledge that I can see that I may feel that, which is a big step from previous bombing when I was devastated and in denial that it could really be over. I think I have to really search my heart for the answer to this one. I don't want it to be over, I still want to put it back together.
But most of all I want to be happy
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
So last night I asked H if he was avoiding me, because that is how I was feeling. He said no and said he doesn't want to answer that question every couple days. I said I am asking because I need to feel comfortable, not because I am trying to get on his case. He said he understood, I said it just feels like he isn't talking to me very much, he said he is talking to me when he feels like it and has something to say, this is just general conversation. He suggested we could discuss this stuff with the counselor on Thursday.
I don't know, there are so many things I would like to ask, like how did he completely change his mind in a week, or was he just saying that he wanted to try and reconnect when he really didn't , but I am not sure I want to have that conversation. I think we need to discuss boundaries and expectations, so that we both know where the other is coming from and then can decide if we can continue the current arrangement. I am having a really hard time knowing what to do. Part of me is still hanging on, not ready, but part of me is tired too. I am very confused, I feel very alone and lost, I wish my "friend" who has been with me for nearly 20 years could be there for me to help, but obviously he wants no part of me.
sigh
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
