So I married a sex addict...

[happycamper]

Sigh.

Hi iamlost.

No, I am freaking out.

For the last couple of days H's world has come crashing down, his R with new g/f is on the rocks, and he thinks he has made a big mistake. That quote about not being able to return to the R once the truth was out seemed to contribute - that and me talking about dating again.

He's been very upset, misses the children dreadfully, sees his new R for what it really is, and thinks he has totally "f****d up".

He's been good, very respectful. He's not said anything specific about wanting to come back as he needs to be sure what is going on in his head before he says it to me. He has contacted Sex Addicts Anon and once he gets back off holiday, plans to go.

A part of me is hoping that this is just a phase, momentarily wanting me back because things aren't going well. I would have no idea how on earth to move forward with him if he really wanted to start again. I don't even know if I want him back.

Don't know if you are reading this Grant, but you were right!

[iamlost]

Hoo boy, HC! Sounds like you talking about dating really floored him, huh? Funny how he can sleep with hundreds of women behind your back, but if you even bring up the possibility of dating he needs to bring you back under his thumb again--talk about one heck of a double standard! LOL

HC, he would need to make so many changes for you to realistically have a marriage with him that I don't think you even need to consider whether you want him back or not right now--can he, is he willing to do the work, get the help he needs to change? For himself, not for you?

Or is this just about trying to keep you from dating?

[happycamper]

No idea.

I don't know whether he is missing the children, missing a stable home life, missing someone who doesn't make him feel old, missing being able to watch the news instead of a sitcom, or missing me.

He doesn't know either!!!

You're right - he has to get well for him, not for me, or the kids, or anyone else. It's good for him really. He's never 'lost' me before this, as I never knew. He's discovered what it is like to lose me and he really doesn't like it. I could probably do with some expert counselling on this one...

Or maybe it will all blow over in a week when he's found someone else!

[iamlost]

This is the point where you need to have some kind of internal conversation with yourself so you're not bowled over by his vacillating. In that, you convince yourself of the truth--that you are an amazing person and that you deserve someone that will love, cherish, and honor you; not sleep around and want you back just because you might not "be there".

If he wants to do the work to change, let him prove it by actually doing the work. Stop listening to any of his words, and ask for actions. Then, after significant actions take place, maybe you consider reconciling, but only at the point where you believe his changes are real and that they will stick. This could be years down the road, given the severity of his SA.

He might find someone else in a week, so that's why his words mean absolutely nothing to you. You are an incredible person that doesn't need him; he's realizing that he needs you. Or someone, at any rate, because he is so utterly empty inside. Let him learn to fill himself up or continue on his addiction--the ball is in his court.

You just worry about you, and making you happy. And yes, seeking out some expert help is a great idea.

(((HC)))

[grant]

Hi HC,

I've been wondering about you and how you might be doing.

Well, this is an interesting development, but not entirely unforeseen.

It looks to me that you really started getting your dignity and self respect back. You finally got to the point that you could do no more, and in a way, that has lead to your being able to detatch.

It might be so that he's only expressing these things until he finds some other diversion, but I have a feeling that this might just be a bit more fundamental.
Remember what I said about loss. REAL loss and the realisation that you cannot continue the same behaviours. Your stance with him and the circumstances he now finds himself in will have him really beginning to think about what he might want, and what he can no longer have.........

It's powerful stuff. I know he's in a mess and he will vacillate, try, fail, and try some more. But you must believe that while you must under no circumstances "rescue" him in any way, you can help him by maintaining this strong position toward him.

I believe that will help to propel him one step closer to accepting his issues, and the reality that his behaviour has now placed him in.

This is, in fact a very good thing, and it's a sign that things may be changing for him, and certainly for you.

I think although it's good to retain a healthy skeptisim, it's still wonderful that he has mentioned about attending some meetings. There are some in many of the cities in the UK. I only really know about London, and there are a couple of really great ones here. (Not sure where you live.)

I think when you talk about wanting an EA with your husband, you're only stating what every partner wants. I mean that probably above all else, it's our emotional needs that are the starting point and the core requirements for any ongoing intimate relationship.

That's how I lost my wife......

Perhaps you mean that right now, ALL that you want is an emotional connection, and not necessarily as a husband or partner.
That makes perfect sense, and it's certainly more than enough to even offer him that at the moment. Like I say...... he's a lucky guy to even have that.

I know that it's all a nightmare for you right now, but I bet a little part of you is feeling glad that the actions you are taking for yourself are having an effect upon him also.

Jon2911 said it beautifully above....... "He needs to get miserable enough to want to change, and it will happen if you give it time."

Looks like he took a couple more steps toward being miserable enough.......

Take Care HC, and hang in there girl, you're doing great.

[iamlost]

Just checking in with you, HC...how are you doing?

[happycamper]

Hi iamlost

Thanks so much for thinking of me. I haven't been doing much internet stuff recently, I was finding it hard to get all my daily work done (children, house etc) and so I severely limited my time on the computer... but I really appreciate you even bothering to check in on me.

The situation with my h has finally settled down now I think. Yesterday he was brave enough to say how he really feels. Basically what we have agreed is that I need to give him some time to sort himself out. He has come to terms with the fact he is a sex addict, has started to go to meetings, and feels horribly remorseful about the life he has lived. Initially he was very confused (as per my last posts) but now I think he has decided that he really wants to come home.

We both recognise that this would be way too risky for us and the children at this point, that is why we have agreed that he should recover whilst he is living elsewhere. I am content to 'wait', either for him, or if not for him, just to let time pass before I move on more completely.

That's the simple bit. The complicated bit is that he is still with the g/f, and he knows he will be with her during this process. The reason he gives for that is that being with her stops him acting out in a more extreme manner. They have a very good sex life, but he knows there is nothing else there.

He's made it very, very clear that he really wants to come home very badly, but he knows he's just too risky for us.

So, either he

a) is totally deceiving me and this is just his way of keeping me hanging on on an emotional level whilst he is having sex with the g/f

b) is totally confused and he will have to admit 6 months down the line that he was talking complete rubbish, he can't really be with us

c) he is telling the truth for the first time in his life and we are going to have a relationship that is going to take some work

I'm taking a risk believing him... but then as he said, we had ended completely as far as I was concerned, we had a clean break. If he wanted to leave me, it was already done. So I'll think I'll just read the DB book again, do some loving distancing (not easy!!) and pray pray pray!

Hope you are well, will check in on your thread to see what is going on. You are very kind to read this again.

HC

[happycamper]

Grant - I never thanked you for your contribution. I am truly grateful for your words of wisdom. My apologies that it is so late...