I am driving myself crazy, drivig my H crazy, my kids crazy and probably everyone around me. I am letting go. He is still talking to OW despite my pleadings, calm taking and everything else. I know how much my H hates to be told what to do and he keeps saying to give him time. I flat out said "she is 1000 miles away and even though you know how much it hurts me you still talk to her, what does that mean for us?" he said the usual we are just friends (BS) but I am letting go now, of it and of him. I am not asking him to leave, and not asking for a divorce, I want to save my marriage, he continues to tell me that he loves me, he made a mistake, he feels guilty, and horrible at what he has done and that he wants to stay married. She is in my thoughts too much, too much talking about when he talked to her and how long he keeps saying that when I see the phone records that I will see he will stop talking to her, when I stepped back a few days ago and did not bring it up, and then asked he said he is getting over with it. I am not sure what that means but part of me wants to keep saying STOP TALKING TO THAT WH**E ! but I can no longer pressure him into it, he has to find his own way back to me and our family if he wants to. I cannot do it for him. I can be happy, act as if everything is fine with me, play with my kids, keep my house clean, and smile. I am tired of being sad all the time, tired of thinking about her and talking about her. I have done better these past few days, bit my tounge a lot. He was out of work for two months and now is back at work, maybe that will help him. I just don't know. But I know if I don't let go of him and let him and start to live my life, I will go insane. He is working a lot of nights now (he used to in the past and I never thought twice about it) but I can't sit here and cry and worry is he talking to her now. If I don't see on the phone records that he is not stopping in the next few months, then we may have to talk and see what is what, but for now I am just going to let this play out, he knows how I feel, so that's it.
Me 40 H 41 T17/M14 Sons 7 and 4 OW - yes for over a year "I don't know what I want" 5/29/08
Good day and then again a bad day. I am missing my mom a whole lot (she passed away this past March) My H is working out of town for a few days and all I think is how much time he must be spending on the phone with her. Work was good, he has called a few times to say I love you. Hard not to bring things up with him, but trying to bite my tounge and get my own life!
Me 40 H 41 T17/M14 Sons 7 and 4 OW - yes for over a year "I don't know what I want" 5/29/08
Good for you! It takes a lot of yourself to step back and say that you will not be preoccupied with talking about the OW. It is a shame that he can't giving up talking to her. But you are right. You can't allow this to get you down. Stop being sad and do things you enjoy.
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
Tonight he called sounded very distant (he is working overnight) I asked him what can I do to make this transition of the new job, being away, blah blah blah better for him because I know I have been annoying these past few days. His response is we will talk face to face this weekend. That scares the crap out of me. I said are you leaving me and he said "are you crazy I love you" not exactly a no, I feel like I am losing my mind not sure if I am reading to much into everything or what. He has been angry on the phone the past few days, I just don't know. I am preparing myself for the worst that he is still in love with her and wants to give it a try with her, that she came to visit this past week and he kept it from me, my heart wants it to be that he is just stressed over money, new job, and all of that, but I just don't know.
Me 40 H 41 T17/M14 Sons 7 and 4 OW - yes for over a year "I don't know what I want" 5/29/08
Much better day. For the last couple of days really turned myself around and stopped calling him, kept our phone conversations light and short and what a difference it has made in me. I no longer feel so miserable after I talk to him and he actually has called me more today than he has in a long time, once because he was just stuck in traffic and wanted to talk (I was in the middle of a class - I teach high school - so I said I was busy and will talk to him later) of course I actually had to sit on my hands tonight not to call him to say goodnight (He has been working nights) and he called me. Small, small steps but if I can keep it up just maybe I will find myself in a better place emotionally and maybe he will see and remember who I am and who he fell in love with. If nothing else I feel better.
Me 40 H 41 T17/M14 Sons 7 and 4 OW - yes for over a year "I don't know what I want" 5/29/08
Small breakdown last night, he got really pissed at me, making me feel like I am in the wrong to be upset or ask questions, I know it is his own guilt and shame that is driving it, but still hurts. Back on the horse today, feeling good (or acting as if I do) and getting on with my own thing. I wanted so much for this to be over by now, but it looks like it will not be for a long time.
Me 40 H 41 T17/M14 Sons 7 and 4 OW - yes for over a year "I don't know what I want" 5/29/08
I am on month nine now and seems like I am in a backslide. I am just tired of it controlling my entire life, too! I want to wake up in the morning and not be sad. I am not sure how long it will take but I hope it gets easier on you each morning. Hopefully one day soon we can both wake up with a smile on our faces.
M:38 H:42 T:20 M:19 D:18 S:17 MLC: Sometime in 2007 OW Bomb 1: 12/28/07 OW Online relationship 2: Spring 2009 Told him I wanted D: May 10, 2009 D final: 07/09/11
today did call him at work, kept it light and cheerful, needed to know if he is going with me to our kids open house at school tonight. He is not sure but will try. Said "okay maybe I will see you there" He sounds so depressed all the time, it is hard not to ask him "what is up, don't you know that if you just gave her up and came to your senses we could move past this and get better" He just can't see what he is doing. My friend said it is like with an alchololic, they don't realize how bad they really are. I wonder sometimes if just throwing it all in and walking away, letting him go to her, and getting a divorce would be better. I sometimes wish he would stop saying he love me, but then if he did I know it would be devestating. I agree with Kelly, I am tired of this controlling my life too.
Me 40 H 41 T17/M14 Sons 7 and 4 OW - yes for over a year "I don't know what I want" 5/29/08
Did he show up at the open house? Why do we let someone else control our emotions? I feel so angry most of the time and then I get angry at myself for being angry all the time. I never been as preoccupied and worried about something before. I used to be able to set my troubles down at the door at work and pick them back up when I left. Not anymore. I am a space cadet most days and I am tired of it.
M:38 H:42 T:20 M:19 D:18 S:17 MLC: Sometime in 2007 OW Bomb 1: 12/28/07 OW Online relationship 2: Spring 2009 Told him I wanted D: May 10, 2009 D final: 07/09/11
No he didn't called and said he had a job (he drives a limo) I never used to doubt everything he said before, but now now. I really am feeling that I should just let it go.
Me 40 H 41 T17/M14 Sons 7 and 4 OW - yes for over a year "I don't know what I want" 5/29/08
