I felt a bit wierd but was a bastion of calm and happy on the outside. If I were clever you might say I orchristrated the whole thing...but we all know better.
Had dinner with the W today at my parents house. When I made my last post I was suspecting. See, I invited her without really inviting her by telling her that We (global we) had been invited to dinner at my parents. Since she was going to pick up D9 and I had errands I offered that the quickest way she could get to her own errands would be to take D9 there. I then cleared it with my mom that W might stay, all was good but I wasn't sure she would.
It was a nice time. Some drama with my dad using power tools food was nice and when I arrived I waived a hello so she got up and walked over to me for a big hug. I even tried to let go early. Same type of hug as we all were getting ready to leave, except she asked how my weekend was. I said it was really really good. and then she asked if I spent it all with my friends...then gave me a wry smile and said, "You didn't did you...(Laugh)...good for you." I just looked at her and kept smiling. Wierd. Again I'm not reading into this other than it is a change. I've been at this level before so we'll have to see what 4 days in vegas does. You're guess is as good as mine. Let's not forget that there are "other" complications in my sitch that have not gone away.
Me:34 W:31 d's 5 & 10 M: 5 years, T: 8, Bomb1 3/8/08,#2:3/28/08 Asked 4 D:4/19/08, discovered PA 5/8/08,W moved out 6/30/08 W pregnant by OM: 2/17/08
I've been in a wierd mood ever since last night. I feel almost too detatched...it's leading me towards paths of doubt. Do I want her, can I get past the PA's. Letting go completely might feel so good. I almost crave an end to this.
I'm sure that given my current state of fluctuating emotions that I'll snap back the other direction but for now. I am, meh...whatever.
W called me twice today. I didn't ask her to but she called once to let me know that she was at the airport getting on the plane. and once when she arrived at her hotel room. These are things that she would have done had we not been seperated. I'm just not sure what to make of it.
I do see the positive in the past week. Perhaps that is the trigger.
Last edited by HopefultotheEnd; 09/03/0810:31 PM.
Me:34 W:31 d's 5 & 10 M: 5 years, T: 8, Bomb1 3/8/08,#2:3/28/08 Asked 4 D:4/19/08, discovered PA 5/8/08,W moved out 6/30/08 W pregnant by OM: 2/17/08
They are certifiably crazed. Your W and my W are definitely on the same drugs. Hang in there, if you can figure out how to detach, it's a pretty cool place to be. Of course, by the time I wake up in the morning, I may change my tune, ARGH.
While I am a turbulent pot boiling with all sorts of emotions on the inside I feel pretty happy on the outside.
W called me from Vegas today. She wanted to check in on the home front??? Ok, So I said things were great...and asked if she was having a good time. She answered, "Not so much." I asked and she said she didn't want to get into it right then so I said no problem and that I was sorry that things weren't going well. I could tell that she had been crying.
I told her some good news about D9, and some fun things that the kids and I have been up to. She seemed to want to talk a little more so I asked if she was ok. She said that she doesn't think she wants to be friends with one of the girls she went with (the b-day girl) because she was being a raving B. I said, "I'm sorry that sucks." and told her she could tell me about it later if she wants. She said she would.
She asked about work, I answered happily that I was going with the flow and that I wasn't going to let any of the work stress get me down. I asked about to her itinerary and when her flight out was tomorrow.
She mentioned she should get going. So I wished her well for the remainder of her trip and told her to go do something fun. (Not sure if this was too much like advice or not but, it just flowed as part of my goodbye.)
So I feel as if I was given a huge opportunity to Show her that I am pretty happy these days. There are a few areas where I think I could have validated a little bit more but all in all I think I listened effectively. I was surprised when she called.
Tomorrow is going to be a busy day. I company all day and I'm not sure if she's going to want to come see the girls or not.
Last edited by HopefultotheEnd; 09/05/0806:26 PM.
Me:34 W:31 d's 5 & 10 M: 5 years, T: 8, Bomb1 3/8/08,#2:3/28/08 Asked 4 D:4/19/08, discovered PA 5/8/08,W moved out 6/30/08 W pregnant by OM: 2/17/08
Sunday was a real point low for me. I don't know why. I really felt as if it didn't want to deal with any of this BS anymore. I knew that I had great friends and family but the constand stress of my financial, employment and marrital situations was almost too much to bear. I didn't even really miss my W I was just angry at her for the lies, deciet, and unfathfulness she has shown me. Yet still I felt the loss of not spending the rest of my life with the mother of my children.
I think it all started on Saturday. I was on the tail end of being on top of the world. Until W called me to let me know that she had arrived safely on her return flight. And then she called once again to check to see if I expected her to have the kids Sunday. (I said, "No,") I managed to be pretty much ok well into the night on Sat but Sunday was rough all day. No explanation.
I was already down when I figured out that W went out instead of crashing at home and doing laundry like she told me. I don't care at all what she does but the lying. It really sucks to be lied to. (Even worse still when the truth would have been totally ok)
So today I'm a bit better. but I feel as if I've still regressed a bit. I miss the solid feelings of detatchment that I had last week.
Me:34 W:31 d's 5 & 10 M: 5 years, T: 8, Bomb1 3/8/08,#2:3/28/08 Asked 4 D:4/19/08, discovered PA 5/8/08,W moved out 6/30/08 W pregnant by OM: 2/17/08
It isn't difficult to understand how when you are under pressure in other areas, it's hard to remain detached in this area. Normally, this would be where you went for support and comfort and instead right now you've just gotten run over by a Buick.
Try and take care of yourself. Try and do something nice for yourself and hang in there.
Thanks dan. I've been having a rough few days. I feel pressure from all sides and I I want to do something about it except that all of the options I come up with are no good...
I am recently bothered anew by W going out...And her spending, yet she hugged me last night saying when I hesitated, "It's alright you don't have to hug me, I'll just hug you." I hugged her back. I'm finding myself all of a sudden less detatched than ever. I tried telling myself that "I don't want her." and that helped but it leads me to thoughts of filing. Either way I think I'm going to go in to another consult with a L.
Last night all I could think about was how this sitch was wrong for me and that I needed to start the process. Not because I've given up, on the contrary I think that nothing will or can change untill there are some consequences for my W.
She gets to still be married, has her children very well taken care of by me, Gets to go out whenever she wants, sleep with whoever she wants, and call me whenever she needs something.
I've been in a similar place months ago and I chose to focus more on myself and my happiness and it worked. I became happier and more content. Plus I see what is either nothing or baby steps from her. Part pf me things those things I call baby steps from her are just born from convenience.
Where in the past I really wanted to contact her for affection...now I want to call her and confront her over all the evils she is pouring upon me. I won't let myself do that though and that's what hurts. So I may just have to pull up my bootstraps reevaluate some personal descisions I made long ago about how I wouldn't be the one to file and move forward. I think once we loose or sell the house, her car, and she has to take and care for her daughter on her own then changes can happen. Whatever else I'm still hopefull.
*edit* I'm not taking any actions untill I can digest my thoughts. I'm sure they will change in the next few minutes...
Last edited by HopefultotheEnd; 09/11/0804:23 PM.
Me:34 W:31 d's 5 & 10 M: 5 years, T: 8, Bomb1 3/8/08,#2:3/28/08 Asked 4 D:4/19/08, discovered PA 5/8/08,W moved out 6/30/08 W pregnant by OM: 2/17/08
Last night all I could think about was how this sitch was wrong for me and that I needed to start the process. Not because I've given up, on the contrary I think that nothing will or can change untill there are some consequences for my W.
You got that right. So what are you going to do? You don't have to file for divorce but you do need to maintain your self respect and boundaries.
Quote:
She gets to still be married, has her children very well taken care of by me, Gets to go out whenever she wants, sleep with whoever she wants, and call me whenever she needs something.
