Hey... just another update... *smile smile* (Ali... so much for resisting... but this was at his pace... so some comments about things and lessons learned in the last few days).
He actually brought up R issues from the past yesterday on his own. We've called it "wounds in our heart". We both have those wounds. He opened up to me and told me about some of the things he had such problems with during the last 4 years. As I had predicted, he felt abandoned and felt I had stopped making him my number one priority. And the male friend I had, he felt got the "best of me" while he was ignored. Of course, that becomes a vicious cycle where when feeling those kinds of relationship troubles one withdraws, then the other does and round it round it goes til the R ends up flushed in the toidy.
We had an amazing talk. I told him about the things I've read in the books we've all read. Love Languages, Marriage Fitness, 10 Prescriptions To Heal Your Relationship, the basic principles that Michelle and the coaches talk about here and in her books etc. Talked my T sessions and how being alone, it gave me time to read and really realize just what happened to me when my Mom died, how it affected me, thusly how it then affected him. We had tears once we got that out of way... I told him the honest truth... I intend to stand on my head and spit nickels to insure to never let it happen again... but also we BOTH need to learn the skills to keep the intimacy between us and make each other our TOP and FIRST priority always.
Talked about doing recreational things together. Talked about balancing our lives with work and love and recreation. (Work took a big bite out of relationship at points). He's admitted he has really had to work at that. Talked about intimacy, passion and touch and so much.
SOOOOOOOOOOOO.....
We had a sleep over. *smile*... it felt so wonderful to feel him want me and me to want him,... and to fall asleep in each other's arms after ML. About 3 am,... we pillow talked for a while and then he pulled me so close to him that I actually felt like I had been swallowed up inside him. *happy sigh* We fell asleep like that and that's how we woke up at 6 am.
I know it's not "slow"... but the logistics of the sitch (two houses and some other stuff) is that we have to take it slow, even if our relationship blossoms in good healthy bigger than baby step portions.
One piece of advice to everyone else that I've found through this and when they're ready to approach you (they're going to be afraid and coy)...so .. LISTEN TO THEM. LISTEN TO THEM. LISTEN TO THEM. Be that soft place to fall. It's scary, it puts you at risk of having your heart broken... but... as the forum, DB books, the comments from folks who've done the coaches and Michelle has said herself... DB is MORE than going dark. I think you have to know when to do the LRT/dark... but know when to kick open the drapes when your gut tells you that the WAS is ready. Showing them just how much you are prepared TO love them... in my case went a long way yesterday. *smile*
Hugs to everyone Abbey
Last edited by Abbey; 09/11/0803:56 PM.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
