Yes as painful as it is to face, I do know where I stand w/ W. It is pretty clear. The good thing is this will force me to move on. Today has been difficult for me as I've discussed this w/ my L and we've prepared a letter for the Parenting Evaluator and asked for a joint conference w/ the Evaluator and the two Ls.
I'm not sad b/c of what W is doing, but b/c of the feeling of finality of the dream. I know it may sound stupid, but I'm not sure there will ever be a point of reconcilliation. W is off in her own world and I'm most saddened by the effect it has or will have on our D.
I know I'll continue to shoulder the blame from W and I don't care about that - or at least in time I hope I won't - but I'm so worried about the health and welfare of my D. She's only 5 and W is claiming to be working in D's best interest, but in reality is very far from it.
So, it has taken the legal turn now and I'm just waiting and preparing myself for the onslaught. I'm practicing how not to respond to her and how to get her off the phone and/or end the conversation w/ her.
I miss my D and I know she misses me b/c she said so yesterday. I really just wish it wasn't like this, but this is my reality now. I know that is why today makes me very, very sad.
I can't thank you properly for your posts. I'm glad you are taking the time to check in on me. I agree that I need to stop communicating w/ her, but for legal reasons last night, I did engage in a "text" conversation w/ W.
I was going to call and get her to discuss the "sleep over" on tape, but when she sent the text, I saw it as an opportunity to get her to admit to what she did as well as to see how she was going to try and defend herself. I have her on-record now saying he spent the night and that it was the same as a girlfriend staying. She also said "D doesn't know the difference" so that is recorded as well.
I could have let it go and maybe should have, but I felt compelled to take some action here b/c our custody situation is still undecided. I wasn't really trying to convince her of anything, but more of putting the issue out there for the record so I have proof of it when she decides to lie about it in court.
I'm talking w/ my DB coach (Jody) on Wednesday morning and I'll see how she thinks I should go and should have gone. I'd rather have stood up for my D than be asked why I didn't question it later, I guess.
However, I don't want to talk w/ W. I really don't. This is the 2nd man in 6+ months she's introduced to D in a prominent role and I'm sure this isn't the last by any stretch. I can only hope I can do some damage control for D's sake very soon.
Maybe I am a little bit sick, but I completely agree w/ you that I need to stop trying to convince her and myself. There isn't anything I can do now.
RTL, So glad to hear your L is taking action. I know this is not what you want and it makes you sad. Your W has played on your desire to get back together and taken advantage. The one positive thing is that it may force things to a head and give you closure. I know it is heart breaking for you to have to do this but the sooner it is over with, the sooner you can start to heal. If your W had any desire to fix the marriage she would not be with other men. Her trying to justify the "sleepover" and asking you to meet the OM shows that in her mind the she is already divorced and just waiting for the paper work. Eventaully you may realize it is her loss.
I am sad and broken. I've held out hope until now. Why I actually thought there was any hope w/ the way W was treating me is beyond my comprehension, but that is basically gone now.
She's doing exactly what I feared she'd do - bouncing from man to man in an attempt to fill her personal voids. They won't last and they won't work. I said once before that my W may be married more times than Elizabeth Taylor, and it is starting to look like I'll unfortunately be right.
My real concern is for my D. What will she be exposed to? I know I can't control what W does, but I may be doing mostly damage control when I have D for a while. That is the saddest fact of the matter.
Stopped by my L's office to check on our court date and picked up a copy of W's therapy records. I've just started going through them and I'll update you w/ what I find.
On the cover sheet from W's L was a rebuttal about the OM spending the night as well as an accusation from W that I "struck her in the arm leaving a black and blue mark." Supposedly this occured during one of our exchanges and D didn't see the "attack" b/c she was already in my car.
Ok, not that she's crossed the line before, but this has gone far enough. I've never laid a hand on that woman and she knows it. I called the Mall Security Office tonight and have to check back in the morning to see if they still have the tapes from Labor Day weekend so we can get a copy to show W is lying AGAIN! The security on duty tonight said he thought they destroyed the tapes w/in a week "unless there was a report." Well, there wasn't a report, so I'm guessing the tapes are long gone. I really hope the legal system will see this for what it is.
I left a message for my L and we'll talk about it tomorrow, but I'm definitely going to send W a message - along w/ her L and my L - saying that I'm uncomfortable exchanging D w/ her any more in the wake of another untrue, unfounded, and unreported accusation. I will not put myself at risk any longer. 100% public inside of places from now on w/ ZERO EXCEPTIONS!
On the other front, the chest cold is almost gone and I'm starting to feel "normal" again. I'm heading off to bed now and I'll talk w/ you all later.
Sorry to hear your STBXW and her L have sunk to this level. She is now below whale sh!t, which is pretty deep if you get my drift. She really pisses me off and I have never met her.
As a history teacher, you are probably well versed on the US Constitution. You can thank a certain Senator running for vice president for this unconstitutional and biased law known as VAWA (Violence Against Women Act). Read more about it:
Nothing in Article I, Section 8 of the Constitution authorizes Congress to regulate and control personal relations between individuals. The gender bias of VAWA is discrimination against a subject class, men, in direct violation of Section 1 of Article XIV of the US Constitution.
I believe that VAWA played a big role in the Duke Lacrosse fiasco.
Mr SirPrizeMe can fill you in on more details as to this stupid law as I believe he has been victim to it.
You should talk to your attorney to see if he recommends that you hire a specialist to uncover false abuse allegations.
Hey Rob, Gosh, things are getting ugly.. as time goes on, I can see that as Kalni says, she is the one with the problems, she is not a good person and it is not you! I am not a mother but even I know there is NO WAY you would bring a man into the house and sleep with him in full view of a 4 year old, UNLESS you had been dating for a long while and made a concious, reasoned decision to introduce this man to your D becuase you were planning on M him and therefore him being a stepfather. Thats it. Thats the ONLY situation you would do that under. Children need to be protected from this stuff, and do not need to get to know random men, unless you can be pretty certain they're sticking around.
Plus, Grace said "the man who worked in the front office of the apartment complex.".. WTF !!??? Your W is an educated woman isnt she? A teacher or something? WTF is she doing just dating some apartment office guy, that smacks of desperation to me, sorry, but it does.
I#m so sorry for the pain you are going through and the unfair treatment, it must be very hard, like your life is sliding out of your control. I see issues of control and having to accept lack of control in alot of sitches on these boards and that is in where the lesson lies. You of course though, do need to take care of Grace. I wish you luck with your ongoing battle there. I thikn you should arrange mediation... we have it in the UK.. no more of these batting texts back and forth where you and your W say "dont do this" or dont treat Grace like X.. you need to hammer it out like two ADULTS, face to face, with a family mediator to set some ground rules of access and parenting.
Enough is enough Rob, take control, dont reply to those text messages anymore !!!!
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I haven't posted to you for awhile, but I've been following your adventure. You've been doing admirably. You've kept control and you've shielded your daughter from as much of this as possible. You are truly a mensch (sp?).
Your W is acting out of desperation--she's in trouble, and she knows it. So, she is using the nuclear option. I hope that your lawyer is clever enough to figure out how to use this against her. It seems to me that your are now past the point of wanting to protect her from the consequences of her decisions. That is a good thing.
RTL - Not just hand-offs in public places, I would make sure you bring along a witness with you whenever possible.
Good thinking on the mall security tapes. Hope they still have them.
Is your wife mentally ill, or was she always not a very nice person??????? When you look back, do you see big red flags you ignored when you were dating her?
I was thinking that maybe you should meet her somewhere that isn't public to give her one more opportunity to claim you "attacked" her, but you have several witnesses hiding where they can see the whole exchange and that can therefore refute it. You might be able to sue her for a false accusation then. Just a thought. If not that, then public, with a witness.
I'm glad you are finally starting to see the light. This IS the woman you married and wanted back in your life. It may seem as though only someone possessed or replaced by an alien could be this way, but you have to accept this is actually the woman you married and are now getting a good look.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
