If you could take a pill that would squealch your sex-drive, down to the point of your wife's, so that you did not have mis-matched libidos, would you do it? For the sake of answering the question, assume that you would not feel desire or urges and you would not feel "deprived" of those desires. They would just simply be gone from your awareness and you never thought about sex anymore.
DQ, I cannot imagine any man answering this with a "Yes". Speaking for myself, I now see HD (whatever it actually is) as a great gift, an aspect of the same life force or energy that is behind everything else I do. Gray, Deida and Napoleon Hill all suggest that with proper thought and discipline sexual energy can be "transmuted" or channelled, but should never be suppressed.
I think there are drugs that have pretty much the effect you describe. But I would never take them, for the same reason I have never taken any hard drug, have given up smoking and also watch how much I drink. Life, good or bad, and all our emotions and motivations, have to be confronted and truly felt.
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
S&A....I know that question would never be answered "yes", by either a man OR a woman, who is HD...but it is/was a hypothetical question, just to make Cinco think about where in his life his wife fits in compared to his unrequited passion....also I didn't think any drugs like that actually existed so again - purely hypothetical in my use of the question. But if drugs like that really DO exist, I was unaware of that.
I also fully agree that Cinco should NOT squealch his beautiful, wild spiritual passion....but for now we are just trying to help him get to a point where he and his W can decide how they will handle that great disparagy between their sex drives....
I still have some hope for Mr. and Mrs. Cinco, and I think there may be a way yet for Mr. to help Mrs. come to the realization that she should be the one to open up more and more...but time will tell!
P.S....I know that every LD man and woman would take a drug that made them have a higher sex drive, if there was such a drug....I can remember looking and researching for such a drug for myself when I was married...praying for the proverbial "Spanish Fly"...all I could find was that none existed.
Sunday night in bed was a disaster. After waiting for a week I was begging, I felt so stupid. I spent the weekend doing things for her and we had a nice time Saturday at the concert with D. We even had drinks Sunday night and she did her shower before bed signal. Then we get in bed and all she wants to do is go to sleep. I finally get things going and for what?… Crappy chore sex, why even bother?
(1) Do not beg - EVER. You devalue yourself and you devalue sex. What is the difference between initiating and begging? Attitude. And yes, I know, its not easy sometimes, but the reality is that every time you beg you reinforce in her mind that sex is a chore. Read about DQ's fiance - he can take it or leave it. You need to be leading your wife towards the "sex = expression" door.
(2) "Doing things" for her or doing things for you? Were you doing them from an abundantly loving and happy heart or because you hoped it would lead to sex? Was it a covert contract?
(3) Did she ever say this was her "signal"?
Quote:
If we can't compromise on this frequency/quality issue I'm done. I have decided that I won't live like this any longer. The decision is now up to her. Either she truly wants me and wants to ML 1-2 times a week with passion or she doesn't. If she doesn't then I'm leaving. I want to be wanted by "the one" who loves me. If she chooses to be "the one" then great, if not we're through.
One word. Patience. Another word. Persistence. Another. Calmness.
I've read your most recent posts and can't really add much to what the others have already said.
You've actually made a lot of progress, I think. And now there's been some backsliding and you are getting frustrated (and angry?).
You have to remember that trying to recover this SSM is pushing your wife towards a furnace of self-discovery. You have to do it patiently, and persistently, and calmly... and with humour. If you lack those things she will stop or struggle or break free - because the furnace is a scary place.
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
(1) Do not beg - EVER. I know, I know... after I did this I said to my self never again will I do this. I did feel so stupid afterwards.
(2) "Doing things" for her or doing things for you? Were you doing them from an abundantly loving and happy heart or because you hoped it would lead to sex? Was it a covert contract? They were loving things. Chores for sex does not work, well neither does sex as a chore as we all know.
(3) Did she ever say this was her "signal"? This has been a very reliable signal from her. The only thing more reliable is her coming to bed nude. Honestly I believe her intention was to ML that night but she fell asleep. When I started to initiate she was sleeping and I did not realize it. I thought she was just watching the movie. As I intensified my advances I woke her up and waking her up for sex is a "no no". So instead of waking up and saying to herself, "oh yeah I was gonna ML with him tonight", she went into why did you wake me up mode. It wasn't as much my begging as I'm not stopping until to give in to me.
S&A, I just lost my patience that night, I wish I had just let her sleep. I just got excited when I thought we would ML that night. She DOES NOT want to feel the heat of discovering herself again by going into her furnace. I just have to learn to take this slowly and not backslide when she is not ready at certain times to go there.
Okay, amazing... digging in my paperwork I found the number to the Dr. my GP recommended to do a vas about 5 years ago. He's still practicing, can take my insurance that will only last another 8 months and most important of all, does the testicle-end-open technique that I had read about years ago that caused me to chicken out when I could not find anyone that would do it this way the first time around.
My wife and I just talked and we agreed it would be a good idea to do this for sure since she should not get pregnant now due to health reasons. Also since I am covered to do this now and may not be in the future.
Just made an appointment for a consultation at the end of the month.
I think Bagheera exclaiming "dude!", when he rarely says this, was the extra push I needed.
He's still practicing, can take my insurance that will only last another 8 months and most important of all, does the testicle-end-open technique that I had read about years ago that caused me to chicken out when I could not find anyone that would do it this way the first time around.
We didn't dare do anything but the full-up, both sides clamped bit with our hyper-fertility (as you called it). The first week or two was...sore and sensitive. It took until about two months afterward before I felt fully my old self down there again.
Originally Posted By: Cinco
We still consider our only daughter a miracle since we have had something like 10 miscarriages over the years. Actually if you wanted to point to any kind of trauma, this might be it.
Ten! Yeah, these can have a major effect on them, and be associated with sex too. My wife and I had one fetus die during the first trimester, and leading to a DNC. My wife still thinks about and grieves a little over that lost one. So ten?! I'd bet there are some issues there involving her self-esteem as a woman, a mother, a sexual wife all wrapped up together.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Ten! Yeah, these can have a major effect on them, and be associated with sex too.
Thankfully all but 2 were very early, within the first month, so not as painful both physically and emotionally. One was late in the first trimester and the other was second trimester. That second trimester one was terrifying for us both. I believe I have described the trip to the emergency room in the middle of the night before. A lot of blood loss and my wife as white as a sheet. I was so scared I would lose her that night. It scared the hell out both of us. That was about 10 years ago and was really the deciding factor to stop trying for a second child. At the time she was 38.
We actually threw caution to the wind again after reconciling (we were both 40), same results, about 1 month and miscarry. About 3 since reconciliation.
We are both so grateful that we have our daughter, she is so beautiful, smart, talented and fun to be with. She is healthy too, we are so blessed to have a healthy child. Maybe I can set up one of those flickr accounts to show her off. We are very proud of her. (I have some tears are welling up now thinking of her.)
Honestly I believe her intention was to ML that night but she fell asleep. When I started to initiate she was sleeping and I did not realize it. I thought she was just watching the movie. As I intensified my advances I woke her up and waking her up for sex is a "no no". So instead of waking up and saying to herself, "oh yeah I was gonna ML with him tonight", she went into why did you wake me up mode. It wasn't as much my begging as I'm not stopping until to give in to me.
