I recently found out my wife of 20 years is having an affair which she still conceals. I have confirmed it by other means and she sneaks off to see him 4-5 times a week. She has underlying depression/bipolar stymptoms and refuses to acknowledge it or seek treatment. She is away at a meeting and answered the hotel phone in a sugary sweet way uncharacteristic of her until she heard my voice and gave the "Oh, It's you" statement.
Over the past 10-12 years I have not been the best, attentive, unselfish husband as I should have been. My only defense is her underlying depression that she never communicated to me in a way my dense brain could understand even though she says she was telling me in her own way all these years ("Couldn't you *SEE* something was wrong!?!?"). 4 months ago I got the ILYBNILWY, but it would be too selfish to divorce because of the kids. She has a friend who just got divorced as well and earlier was telling her the benefits of being without the ball-and-chain, but more recently has been feeling lonely now that her paramour during her marriage is a jerk as well.
My wife is also in the middle of a full blown MLC as well and has monthly cyclical hyper-emotional outbursts. Tha last one was when she saw me confirming the evidence of her infidelity that she saw she left behind and started screaming and crying uncontrollably in what my IC interpreted as feeling she had been found out. She also become hypersexual with frequent masturbation at work, in traffic in her car, and at home.
We are in MC and I am in IC. The MC is 100% for saving marriages and not for trial separations in these instances and is gently easing into the conversations the issues of inappropriate reactionary choices spouses may make when they feel that they have been devalued by their SO and can see that she is reacting with a guilty conscience.
However, every time she goes out to "run errands" or leaves work early, she is seeing him. I feel frustrated and devalued and that she is not only betraying me, but the kids as well by ignoring their needs and the household. More recently she has been cooking which she hates since I have done it 99% for the past 20 years. I interpret this a guilt for leaving the kids so much.
She was my best friend before we got engaged and I feel the pain of my failure to be a better friend and spouse to her as well as the pain of her betrayal of me. I eat, but have been losing weight. I find it difficult to concentrate, and I take no real pleasure in my hobbies or past-times. I know that I need to improve my self confidence and work on my own interests, but pain and despair keep creeping in.
