Remorse and apologizing don't really work, if later I find out she was not honest the entire time. The physical part - that would be a pretty big blow to a man, especially when all along his wife was denying that part. The deception. Yeah, I agree with you.
Maxy, this is going to take longer than you would like.
You should prepare yourself to be very patient. Move on with your life. I don't mean forget him, move on and plan to never be with him again. I just mean, prepare to live independently for a while now. Find stuff to do that makes you happy. Let him rest. Let yourself rest.
Are you taking, or have you considered, individual counseling? It seems like a pretty big thing to me, to be believing that you fighting for your marriage, and yet still willing to be not honest. What would make you... make that choice? Have you examined that part of yourself? You wrote that "it dawned on me..." but it feels like it is worth looking at more deeply. Like why did it take so long to dawn on you that honesty is a basic foundation for a lifetime relationship? Sine qua non.
I hate the way this sounds... preachy. sorry. don't mean it that way. I guess it's a little personal with me.
Originally Posted By: Maxy
Yes while lying I believed I was also being sorry and remorseful and open. Now i know that is impossible. If I was sorry and all that then i would of stopped lying.
I don't agree with you here. You can be sorry and still not capable of doing the right thing. You can feel terrible, but yet still not see the right path. It may not necessarily mean you are not sorry. It may mean you are not strong enough.
I can want to run a marathon but if I am not trained, I won't make it. I can want deeply to speak French, but if I don't study and practice, then I won't be able to do it. It's not a matter of want. Sometimes we don't know how to do stuff we want to do. You've got to accept responsibility, yes, but you need to be more gentle with yourself. A good counselor can help you with this.
Anyway if he saw you in counseling, maybe that would be one small bit of evidence that you are working on yourself, accepting responsibility, looking at your part, improving where you need to improve.
As for all your hubby's new activities - sailing, badminton and all. That does not sound like MLC to me. Sounds like he is just trying to find peace, contentment. He is hurting too, and is trying to fill his life with stuff that doesn't hurt. It will take some time.
