Thanks B for reminding me that it is just a house.
what kind of conversation(s) did you have with your wife when you realized you made a mistake?
When I realized that I was wrong and want to have my family back - I told my ex that we needed to talk; we spoke at what use to by our apartment. I told her that I didn't want to get a divorce. That I love her and my daughter so much and that I was wrong. I told her that I wanted to be family again and to make things work out between us. I cried the whole time I was telling her this. She responded by telling me that she no longer loves me and that she would never trust me again. She told me that the thought of us getting back together disgusted her and that me crying wasn't going to change anything. That was a knife in my heart. I started to beg and plea - to tell her that I wasn't the same person anymore. That marriage is a precious thing and we should fight to make it last. She responded that I didn't care so why should she. She told me all that in cold voice. She got very mad when I start to beg and told me that if I kept that up that she will never talk to me again.
For the next two weeks after that, I went on a begging feast. I hope all her up and just tell how much I love her - that I was a different person, etc etc. I would send her e-mails, ask her to postpone the divorce, etc. I only drove her away. She would yell at me on the phone and tell me to stop telling her I love her - that it was over and that there was nothing I could do or say that would change her mind. She told me that I was making her stressed out. It got to the point where she stopped answering my calls altogether. During this whole period, I was a wreck. I often had to shut my door at work so no one would see me cry. When I got home all I would do is cry, scream at myself, tell myself why was I so stupid, how could you do this to your family, etc. I have a scrapbook of my ex, of all the love notes we wrote each other, pictures, pages of my journal, etc that I made when we where dating and married. I would look at the scrapbook and it only made the pain worse.
In the midst of all my tears, I started to tell myself that I had to start loving her again. That me focusing on my emotional needs at the moment was not going to change anything. Instead, I had to respect my ex's wish and show her that I really do mean business by my actions. That meant I had to not bring up the relationship or show my true emotions around her. I called her up a week later and asked if I could pick up our daughter from daycare. Soon after, my daughter got sick and the daycare called me. I called my ex and told her that I was talking her to the doctor. She was quite surprised at my willingness. After that, we slowly started talking and doing things together. She still got the divorce. The night before she saw the judge, I thought about calling her up and telling her that I still love her and that I want to make my marriage work - but I didn't want to drive her away further - so I didn't say anything. Needless to say, that was a very painful day.
So now we are where we are today. I am keeping a journal of all the little success we have had - such as the first time such started to call me by my pet name or when I started to sense that she was no longer as cold towards me as she first was.
So I do see the progress, but it is a very slow process. It is hard to tell what she is really thinking and sometimes I wonder if she has made up her mind that I am only going to be a friend to her and nothing more. We have such good conversations now and yet she will sometimes say stuff like I don't think we should ever have gotten married or that she is happy now that we are divorced and that we were only meant to be friends. Sometimes she will bring up the past - such as I was never there through the hard times and now that our daughter is older - I want her in my life because she is easier to take care of. I normally tell her that I was wrong and if I could do things over again, things would be different. She tells me, ya right.
