Thanks again for checking in on me. It's kinda fun knowing I have a pack of girls just waiting for the details. Lol. So high school slumber party.
Ok diving in. . .
So we were texting back and forth all day and even on my drive down there we were still talking via text and I sent one telling him that I had just passed the exit that he lives off of on my way down to where we were going to meet up so he texts back and asks me to come pick him up. Not part of the plan! So I called and had to turn around and he was giving me directions over the phone because I never remember how to get anywhere and I got lost a little and we were kinda frustrated with each other. Not a great way to start I know. But I finally made it and we were fine. He got in the car and we drove to a park since we had a little over an hour to waste until the movie started. The park was really busy for some random reason and we ended up just sitting in the car talking for the whole hour. Which is nice because we got to do some R talking. I was basically asking about his meeting with his army sergent and whether or not any decisions had been made as far as his next steps and things are still pretty well up in the air. He really has no idea what is going to happen next. So it was not helpful but I decided to ask whether or not he thought I could go with him if he went away to training that was more than just a couple of months. He said he was not sure. He had not really thought about it. We talked about it a little bit and concensus is that he is still confused about us and thinks that things will go back to the way they were (us arguing constantly) and he does not want that to happen. We talked about the changes in our relationship and what is going on and he basically chalks it up to the fact that we do not see each other everyday and that is why we are happy now. In a way it is good that he admits to being happy now but at the same time I am getting peeved that he doesn't seem to believe that we can change things for the better and live together. I said that as long as we are going to counseling (apparently he is going to the session with me on Tuesday) and working on the relationship everyday we would be fine. He said that was part of the problem, that he wants something low maintenence. Which is kinda laughable because it's a MARRIAGE!!! Hello? Is this thing on? Marriage is hard, it will never be easy or "low maintenence." Rather than laughing him out of the car though I asked him what he meant and he said that he wants us to be happy together without having to put a lot of effort into it like fighting and arguing are "high maintenence" things. I said (for the millionth time) that we do not have to argue all the time and that I do not want a marriage where that is all we do either. We then talked about our lists from counseling and why my "boundaries" were not something he could live with. He said that he could do it he just doesn't want to because he wants to be "free." Still not sure what to do about that. He does admit that if we were happier he would not feel the need to go out as much and that if I was willing to do more things that he wanted to do that I would not be left alone as much. Which are both true but I tried to explain to him that it needs to be a two way street. For example he wants to go to this Renessaince (spelling? Fair. I have been adamatly against going to such a thing because it is not something that interests me in the slightest, however I told him a week or so ago that I would go with him as I am trying to be more open to his interests and be more of a companion for him. So he brought that up last night and said he was really excited that I would go with him. So when I said the "two way street" comment he said "well there is nothing you want to do that I wouldn't try with you" and he is probably right. He is a very open and accepting person and would do most anything with me. However that is not what is important to me. I told him that the idea is that I would be willing to do something for him simply to make him happy and feel fulfilled in our marriage and that in return I would like him to do something that makes me happy, like agreeing to "play by the rules" and stay within the boundaries that I am comfortable with. It's all give and take. He got it, he wasn't thrilled with it, but he got it. So I think some progress is being made there.
I also talked about how I think my expectations are a root of our frustrations with each other and at times the catalyst for our arguments. He agreed with that. We talked a little about that and it just boils down to the fact that I need to learn to not place expectations on him and on our relationship. Duh!
So there was a lot of serious talking going on and it was great because in between the serious stuff we were joking around and talking about other stuff. It was good because we were talking about our relationship and not arguing about it.
On the drive to the movie he also said that if we got back together we would need to deal with "this family thing" meaning my hatred of his family. We talked about it a little but not too much because that is a sure fire way to start a brawl. However he was talking about the future and that is always a good thing. And we did talk a little without a brawl breaking out. Again. . .always a plus.
We bought our tickets and were waiting for the theater to clear out and his phone buzzed. I saw the name flash and it is one of his "army buddies" who happens to be female, who happens to send him texts a lot and calls frequently. Not a fan. Anyways I got kinda miffed by it because we had just been talking about my boundaries of which #1 is no one on one with other women and a part of that is no close relationship with other women, even in a "friendly" way. It bugs me and he knows it. So he silenced the call and I excused myself to go to the bathroom because I could feel myself getting ready to snap. When I came back he was on the phone with her!!! Grrrr. When I asked him about it he said it's rude to ignore someones call and that she just needed help. I said "what kind of help" and he said "she needs help moving." I don't know the whole thing bugged me and while I let it get to me too much I still feel disrespected by all these f-ing women who try and get to my hubby. And it makes me mad that he is too dumb to see what they are trying to do.
Anyways eventually it was dropped. No harm. No foul. I think he understood why I was upset and he turned off his phone after that. It's not that I think he is up to no good, I just think he needs to learn to set boundaries in place in his life so that I will feel safe and secure. Which is after all the number one thing I need, according to our counselor.
Movie was good. We shared dinner (it's the kind of theater that does dinner and a movie) and were touchy-feely after that which is always nice. I still get butterflies.
Sigh.
After dinner we went "parking"
But it was super late afterwards and I had to drive an hour to get home and I had to be up early for work this morning so I was kinda crabby so we went to a store and he bought me a snapple to keep me awake on the drive home and then I took him home and we said goodnight and he asked me to text him when I got home. Which is always nice.
So overall it was good. A few frustrations here and there but I think we are getting better at dealing with things.
So my positives:
1. ML 2. Is going to joint session on Tuesday 3. Has not said no to me going with him if/when he goes to training 4. Open R talks without arguing 5. Maybe starting to see my point about other women 6. Future talk (sorting out family issues)
Negatives:
1. Still saying we are good as friends but maybe not meant to be married 2. Still thinks we would go back to arguing constantly
I don't know. It feels like a toss up. Anybodys game. All I can do now is focus on me and my life.
We did talk today about planning our next "date" and we might go to the beach. I was trying to be spontaneous and suggested staying the night in a seedy motel and making a weekend out of it and he was wishy washy about it which frustrated me because he always complained about my lack of spontanaity and here I was saying "let's just take off for the weekend" and he was shooting me down. Annoyed about that. I just said "well it's you call I just think it would be fun" and he said he would think about it and so I asked him to let me know by Friday so I can make alternate plans in case he opts out and he said he would. I just find it odd that when I start doing something he complained about me NOT doing in the past it is still not good enough. Grr.
Ok ladies all caught up! Hope it make sense I am waaay too tired to edit!
I agree with Jen. It seems whenever you have R talk you take whatever is said as a negative so try one time with NO R talk at all. Just have fun and enjoy each others company. It will take the pressure off the day and you probably end up with a completly positive day.
I think it sounded like a great day all in all.
Originally Posted By: daisy282
He said that was part of the problem, that he wants something low maintenence. Which is kinda laughable because it's a MARRIAGE!!!
Same thing my H said ......he thought we would get married, start a family and just be happy he didn't think there would be any work!! Grrr...DAM. I think they accuse woman of wanting the "fairy tale" marriage but sometimes I think that it's the guys that think everything is suppose to be unrealistic.
I will give it a try. If we go out this weekend, even just for a day trip to the beach I will keep the R talks out of it and see how it goes. I guess I just get confused sometimes and do not know what phase I am in and what I can and cannot say. I also think I feel a little pressured with all these big life changes swirling around us but we are going to counseling on Tuedsday so I am going to make a goal to keep it light and fluffy until then!
Although it is nice to know that we can have R talks and not argue. So while it may not all be positive at least we are able to do so as civilized adults.
I think part of my hubbys problem with his idea of a "low maintenece" marriage is the fact that he has never been around married people. His parents were pretty much divorced before he was born and do not get along. None of his friends have married parents, his mom remarried and divorced his step father when he was younger, his grandma is divroced, aunts and uncles pretty much all divorced. His half sisters have both been married and then divorced and his half brother is the only one I can think of that is still married and has a family but they are not close and they live far away.
So really what am I supposed to expect from someone who has no clue what a marriage even is. To us when we were 19/20 it was we are tired of living long distance and we love each other so let's get married. Lol. My parents and most family members are married so I have a more realistic view of these things.
I am hoping that our individual counseling will help in this area, that maybe the counselor can show him that we do not need to be peaceful 100% of the time to have a good and strong marriage. In fact the occasional argument can be a good thing for necessary changes and overall growth. Of course done the right way. . .aka not the way we do it now.
I think overall it sounds really positive. I do need to agree with the others though on stopping the R talk. I understand that you're able to do it without arguing, but it is still pressure, especially on someone like your H who is young and wants to feel "free". Before I left for Poland, I was making my H get into R talks almost every time I saw him, because they felt reassuring. I was talking about future plans etc., and he would usually go along with it. However he didn't mean the things that he said, or at least maybe meant them at the time but was and is still confused. I don't think asking for reassurances helps. You can do this, if appropriate, at the counseling sessions instead, at least IMO.
All in all Daisy, I think your sitch sounds pretty positive, and I am sure many on the board would love to trade you places. You see each other quite a bit, always ML, and he is open to discussing the future. I really think if you could lay off the R talks for even a few weeks, you would see even more progress. Also, have you tried validating his feelings around things like being friends, or arguing too much? Maybe something like, "I can understand how you would feel that way."
Anyway, sounds like progress!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
It is positive. I feel much better than I did last week. I will try to not start any R talks and if he brings something up I will try to just listen and validate what he says.
When he says things about arguing too much or just being good friends I do agree with him. Because we did argue too much and we do make good friends. However I think I always try to push it to the next level. Like, we argued too much but we can fix in in the future. Or we make good friends so we should be able to make our marriage work. I always add something on when I am validating his feelings and thoughts. So this weekend (if we get together) I will try to remember to validate in a plain and simple way and not add things to what he is saying.
Well there is more to say but I gotta hop in the shower before work. So I will TTYL!
Have a good day ITH! Have you started a new thread?
I did start a new thread. You know me! I can't seem to go more than a couple of hours without posting...:)
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
