H deep in A & MLC, need support 4 roller coaster!

[Dawn of Hope]

Hi, All,
I am getting ready to teach a class tonight, so I will try to make this as quick as possible (yeah, right, Dawn; you're NEVER quick!).

MWG, thanks so much for all your support and advice! I have signed up for the Charlyne Cares e-mails, and they are helping a bit. Thanks for the nudge! I am just going about my business and trying very hard to GAL and not get too worked up about anything he does. Mostly I succeed, although I still find it hard to stop thinking about it and talking about it some. BTW, I am pretty good with patience; the problem I have is continuing to wonder if there is something I could be doing better that would make a difference.

Glam, thanks for continuing to check in on me and offer suggestions and encouragement! I am going to have to think about what H is most running away from in our M. Feel free to check back with me about that. It's so funny that you recommended "A New Earth" because I had just started reading that! I will see if I can make it a higher priority to finish it (I go through a LOT of fiction, but I have a harder time getting myself to read nonfiction).

Lisa and Ali, thanks for stopping in and posting to me, and thanks for the encouragement! I check on both of your threads daily (along with those of MWG, Glam, and a number of other people). I really wish I knew what I did differently that made him laugh or have a conversation with me the other day! I think the conversation part was because it was a nice neutral topic that had nothing to do with our R, and I kept asking questions to inspire discussion because he didn't walk away or act annoyed (if either of those things happens [which is most of the time, if the conversation is longer than three sentences], I stop immediately).

Ali, yes, it is hard to engage with someone who clearly isn't interested, but since my "normal" self is DEPRESSED rather than witty, that's an extra stretch. Although I have worked so hard on making MYSELF happy that I think if my M were in decent shape, I would be happier than I have been long-term in about 25 years! Hmm, maybe that's a little too strong, but it does feel more like the I am making myself happy and less like I am giving over the keys to my happiness to circumstances. Does that make sense?

Irma, thanks for reading and posting to me. People here often tell me I'm lucky he hasn't moved out; he's still on the fence about that; lately I've been almost wishing he would go away and stay away as long as he's with the little green men! (Or the big white woman...ooh, was that too catty?) I am wondering, though, why you say that I am stronger than I know...what inspired that? Seriously, I don't know if it's better for the LBS if the WA actually moves out or just has their MLC at home, yanking the LBS along as the WA spins and derails and regresses. I know, detachment is all, and I get better at it all the time, but it's so jolly much WORK! I do think sometimes that it would be much easier if I weren't getting my nose rubbed in it every day.

For example...this morning I noticed that certain things of his were missing, indicating that he had packed for at least one night away from home. He did not tell me anything about this beforehand (in fact, he didn't even say goodbye to me...a new thing in the last week or two; he not only no longer gives me a goodbye peck, he doesn't even say anything to me when he leaves for work, even though we are still sleeping in the same bed). In fact, yesterday I was telling him about my plans for the week; just making conversation, although truthfully he seemed to be listening only to be polite. So in turn I asked him about his plans for the week, which I don't normally do (never ask about any future farther away than a few hours!), and he told me "nothing interesting." So tonight I get a voice mail about the time he leaves work, telling me that he was going to a baseball game tonight and OW drove up for it and is staying over, so he will see me tomorrow. This was more or less what I had expected when I saw what was missing (honest, I really didn't search that hard!), except that he said in the beginning of the message, "I really wanted to tell you this in person..." What the hey???! It's not like this came up all of a sudden today after you left for work; you PACKED for it while I was in the house with you!! If you had the guts, you COULD have told me in person! Sigh. Okay, whatever, more MLC nonsense.

I also wanted to talk about the 2x4 that hit me in the shower this morning. Not a literal one, FYI. I was praying for help with my anger and unforgiveness toward my H, and all of a sudden, I didn't hear a voice, exactly, but I felt like God had let me understand something new; the message I got was: "It is as difficult for H to stop doing what he is doing and straighten out his life, as it is for you to forgive him for what he has been doing. And the second thing is a prerequisite for the first one, BTW." I could almost SEE the lightbulb over my head! I was pretty sure of the second part, but the first part had never occurred to me!

Okay, I have to hustle off to teach my class, but I would love to hear comments!

Peace,
Dawn