SirPrizeMe, I too had my A with Hs friend ! Then i lied about it not being a PA. It is the deception and honesty issue I think i am dealing with. H wanted every detail down to action by action so that he could understand it. Of course while I was lying it did not make sense hence the revolving door at home.
I eventually told the truth because:
1. I thought by not being honest I still kind of had a tie with OM. A dirty little secret.
2. I did not want H to feel stupid or less of a man if at any time the truth was to come out from the other party ( OM ). I wanted my H to be fully armed.
3. Lying takes it toll and I needed to come clean for my own sanity.
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I see some parallels in my situation and yours, Max. After the discovery, I read a bunch of books, all of which advised zero contact with the affair partner. I asked my wife to do that for me, for our marriage. She agreed. But then she continued to speak with him, email him. She got calling cards so that the phone calls would not show up on the house phone or on her cell phone. She used secret email accounts. She made excuses to me "I needed to talk to someone" as if the OM was the only person on earth she could talk to. She was continuing the contact, if not the sex, while lying to me about it. She was continuing the affair.
You know what SirPrizeMe I would put money on the fact your wife is still in contact with OM or feels that there is a good chance of a future with him and if not him then someone.
The only time I felt as distant from H as your W is with you was during the A and afterwards when I was deciding which way i wanted to go. Did I want OM or did I want H who at the time was doing everything in his power to keep the M together. I was in a place of power and control. I cannot think why your W would choose a life of possible lonliness and definite hardship ( unless she felt she was being abused ) It does not make sense.
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I don't know what you mean then, by "totally honest on 4/08". What were you not honest about before?
).
The extent of affair, the physical side of it.etc etc
Yes while lying I believed I was also being sorry and remorseful and open. Now i know that is impossible. If I was sorry and all that then i would of stopped lying. Anyone reading this thread or are in my position - you must come clean. Impossible to rebuild on lies.
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She would have to accept responsibility for her affair, without blaming me, without minimizing (eg, she once told me, "it just happened.", and also "everything is 100% your fault." (my fault) Look, I accept my share of responsibility and I am willing to work on my part, but there is no way I accept responsibility for her getting and using secret calling cards and having sex with him in our bed. Sorry.).
I agree. I did blame H but as he pointed out - my choice of wake up call could of been less destructive. I choose that path. I take full responsibility. i should of kicked H out and told him not to come back until he was willing to get real with our M. I did not need to find solace in someone else's arms.
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Those are some ideas. (I have some very specific ideas don't I? Am I being too demanding?)
Hell no i think that these are great conditions. Wish my H would be so generous . Date night, couples weekends, creating our space in the bedroom ( fabulous ) - sounds like heaven.
Books are good reading. I am stronger every day now and I believe it was this site that has got the journey going. The books should be a great help to.
I really hope you get what you want. One day it may not be your wife and I hope she is prepared for that because that is what happened to me. 180 turn . I have been through hell .
