New month, new strategy

[istherehope]

Hi,

Just wanted to share the takeaways from my DB coaching session.

Jody and I talked a lot about the day in Dublin, and she thinks it went extremely well. She said that for someone as depressed as H to put the effort that he put into meeting up with me on Monday was really meaningful. She thinks he orchestrated it in such a way to have the best chance for a positive response, i.e. to not have enough time to have anything negative happen. She also liked the fact that he reached out to me and thought I was still in Dublin today, likely wanting to meet up, when in fact I was already in Poland. She thinks I should be even more effusive with my compliments about things like his paintings, and that I should frame the most recent one he gave me.

Sadly we're still in stage 1 given his negative feelings, and we may be here awhile, but she believes that most of the negative feelings aren't about me at all. Given the fact that we're still at stage 1, she says I need to continue not to initiate contact. She believes that for H the pace of contact is the most important thing, so I need to let him set it. I also need to give him as much space as possible given the rather bold move Jody suggested--explained below...

My biggest concern has always been coming back to Dublin, and how it is going to work out. She suggested that the best way to make it work in this situation, unless he reaches out to me first, is to simply send an email a few days in advance, saying "I'm coming home on X date. I'm sure you already knew this, but just reminding you." She then suggested that I NOT move into the spare room, or spend any time at a friend's house. She says I should just go for it, move myself into the bedroom, and if he is unhappy, he can move to the spare room. She said in this case it is probably going to need to be a de facto reconciliation at first, one that just happens without discussion. If we give him other options, he will take them instead. If I go to a hotel first and make a big deal of it, it will be hard to get me back into the house. This whole prospect is kind of scary to me, but makes me laugh too in a way. I really hope he asks me back first so that I do not have to "invade" like this, but I can see that it would be effective. I am not sure how long it would work for, but it would at least buy a bit of time to do some crazy DBing. Anyway this is probably the best option I can imagine though how awkward...Actually I have planned to return on the date of his exam, a date on which he traditionally goes out drinking til very late with colleagues. In the past I've gotten mad about this. On the day I return, I think I will text him and ask him to stay out and have a good time, and also hope he comes home tipsy and thus thrilled to see me. OK still 5 weeks off, but it's making me laugh just thinking about it!

She said this method would also be effective in my case as it will show that I don't need to have a big discussion about where the relationship is going etc., and that I can demonstrate I'm just willing to see where things take us.

I asked Jody did she not think H would forget about me, and she said "not with that video he made..." Let's just hope that's true!

Oh, and on finances, I'd been wondering what to do about "my" stocks and bonuses given that H is content to use them for his school, but not content to make any future plans. She said the messaging around money needs to be consistent with the rest of our messages. So, I am trying to demonstrate togetherness, and a calm presence that can handle waiting for H to sort himself out. Thus, I need to keep up the sharing and caring with money too. I guess this would be different for people in different R scenarios. I really liked learning about this.

ITH

[pisces9]

YOU ROCK!
i think the way you talked to H was perfect- and the selective memory is so funny!

you just have to ignore all that- its so frustrating..but you are handling it so well! you are being so strong and loving!

dont worry too much about mexico- remember- that which we focus on expands- so just think about more current dates and think positively..because when we start getting scared or negative we will create some yucky stuff by accident!

i am very proud of you- i hope you can see how amazing you are being to your "lost" H!

Jody rocks too- follow what she says- i had her as a coach. i thought we would be out of stage 1 a lot sooner as well- but once that stage is cleared (which takes the longest) then the others go by a little faster (with 2 steps forward , one step back from my H at least)...

i think it is good to at least know you are in the stages! ha ha!