I feel that you should really just go into self-examination mode right now...about your life, your career, and your marriage. And try not to feel guilty about it, either. Take a really good look at what you really want...I know you really want your wife, but for now, pretend it is truly only about you only....if you could put any pain your W and D would experience from a divorce on a shelf and pretend that part would not be a factor, then what would your choices be?
If I am being truly honest with myself, I know that I cannot give up or squelch my sexuality, it is a part of me that is here to stay. I cannot split it off and compartmentalize it like I have done for the past 17 years. That double-life I was leading is over now, I am leading one life now as a healthy sexual man. That decision is made.
Now I am giving my W time to make her decision, she has to decide if she wants to have a marriage that includes a healthy SL or not. I don't think that she really wants this and only wants to stay married as we have been for the last 17 years. She will not look inside herself enough to find that part of her. Every time I try to help her look it is a battle. I want her to find it but I can't force or wait forever for her to find it. As I have said, she has no interest in counseling at all, why would she when she is perfectly happy to exist without passion?
Even today we had a little talk and she said, "Why do you have to bring up the sex thing all the time? I thought I was doing what you wanted." Chore-sex, good-sex, ML it's all the same to her. She still has not read the SSM book and probably never will.
Without considering my W and D and the impact on their lives, I would just leave now. I have had that part of myself chipped away for far too long and see no real and lasting changes to get it back with her right now. I know what being wanted feels like and I still do not feel that with her now. I want to live now, I want it to be with her, if it is not with her then I am ready to face the unknown rather than go on existing in a dead marriage.
I am trying so hard and I DO want to give her time to respond. God please help her to see what I want is for us both. I don't want to leave her but I don't want to feel like this. Feeling like this made me turn to darkness and I will NOT go there again... I can't go there again.
