OT - we cross-posted at about 10am. And your post was incredible. I really hope you don't think I am trying to "enmesh" with you anymore - I count you as a dear friend (in a cyber kind of way ;\) ) And yes, about the TM. I skip those completely. My # is still the same; future reference.

About the co-dependence thing....I never thought of his nastiness as an expression of it - wow. Wow.

I have to say, I was on my way home from work today, and it occurred to me:

I'm not missing him. I'm not feeling anything about him.

It was very, very strange. I mean, I was crying about it again last night. Just last night. About how I missed him, how much he had loved me, the way it felt when he held me, all the things he did for me and said to/about me, was always there for me.
My brain flipped-flopped. There was just nothing. Not sure what brought me so around.

We talked about God and forgiveness last night. Most people said they had a hard time forgiving those who hurt them. I said my problem was that I forgave them too easily, turning it all on me.

I am going to do something right now: I am writing a letter.

This time, I am writing it to myself.

I want to remember what this feels like. The planning for the future. The lack of despair and extreme heartache. The lack of self-hatred. I need to be able to get back to this place.

And I need to find a way to make sure I'm not attacked anymore. The emails help a whole lot with that. And I know I will never be attacked in front of anyone else, so even family functions in the future should be ok.

I can make a turn-around quickly, now, but it does make me dizzier.

Now, the problem with my kids living over there in "paradise:"
x wants to put S13 in the basement, dividing the space in two and putting her D15 on the other side. You know, the promiscuous girl who wears the black eye makeup, low-cut shirts and has pics of her tonguing her boyfriend on Facebook.
I brought that up with x, and he just said he would never put our kids in harm's way. What a dipsh!t. What the he!! does he think this whole divorce did?!

We'll see if they get this house, or any other one. I'm guessing that her stbx is either buying her out of their house, or they will have to sell. I know that x has no money. Must be interesting to have him going from being the main provider, to having to depend on his gf... Either that, or some poor slob actually loaned them money. No idea how fast this whole thing is going to happen, and it doesn't look like I'll know anytime soon. I'll just share the concerns with the kids' IC as issues come up. She can lecture him.

IC tonight. I think I'll be having her head spin, too. Sometimes you need more than an hour....