I am THE poster child for co-dependency!! Hence, AlAnon.
I keep relearning (re-experiencing? can't seem to actually absorb it!) why I have this attachment to him. I still get torn between thinking that my feelings for him are unhealthy, to believing that it is simply unconditional love, what every person should have for their significant other, their children, etc.
The other part of the co-dependency is that you are never co-dependent alone. It explains how he jumped from one R to another with no break in-between. And the idea of leaving her is probably just as impossible as I have found being apart from him.
He accepts that he didn't communicate about his feelings, until it was too late--he had "lost his love" for me. He does not blame the gf at all. Insists that he would have left even if she wasn't involved. Would have stayed gone, even if she went back to her H.
I know that this dip has a purpose; I came back to this place to forward my learning. And I will get through it and come back up, better for having gone through the pain. At least the hurt doesn't go on and on without end, like it used to early on in the sitch.
Maybe I should thank God for letting me get to the better place for a short while in between these stints, now - it brings me to more understanding, and I can have hope and know that it won't stay this way. I wish I could learn without the tears and heartache, but these lessons will stay with me for life.
I am going to take tonight while the kids are away for dinner to plan something fun for the three of us for the weekend. x is going away right from work on Fri to his brother's "bachelor party" camping weekend, so I get them straight through. It will be great to give my head a rest and just enjoy them.
People who are unlovable don't have active social calendars. Your kids love you truly and deeply. They want and need you to be able to accept their love as genuine. Let them love you well. Don't let X's stunts and abuse take that away from them. You deserve better and your kids deserve better.
This to me is what your should focus on, not what you don't have in your life but what you do. I gotta tell you there sounds like there is a whole lot of love.
Look around, there are some people here who have no one. Some people have to do everything alone because there have no one else. That's not you Donna. You are so blessed and I know that you do know that!
I have not read your previous threads so please forgive me if I am off. I was a poster child for co-dependency - still fight it when it rears its ugly head... I was happy when my mother was happy and it was all my fault when she wasn't. That whole people pleasing thing defined what I thought were normal R's of all types. I needed to be liked by everyone - or else felt like I was a failure. I remembered every single negative thing someone said about/to me and didn't believe the positive things. For some reason, I surrounded myself with people that reinforced my negative image of myself - perhaps b/c it felt normal. There were a few other issues in my childhood that also affected my image of myself.
I am glad that you are working on a plan for your self esteem. Please give yourself time and work on each of the different aspects of your life that shaped your view of yourself. Dismantle it one step at a time. Eventually, as you build yourself up, you will see that H is spouting nonsense and roll your eyes when he says the beyond ludicrous things he is saying b/c it makes absolutely no sense. He is counting on you to believe him - that is why he is saying the nasty things he is saying. Take away that power from him. And you may even discover, that H leaving is not a bad thing b/c he will no longer fit into what you want from the people in your life. You deserve someone that sees and appreciates you - not someone that uses your own Achilles heel against you to manipulate you and put you down.
You are a wonderful person. I know you will see it too and really really believe it too someday.
OT - we cross-posted at about 10am. And your post was incredible. I really hope you don't think I am trying to "enmesh" with you anymore - I count you as a dear friend (in a cyber kind of way ) And yes, about the TM. I skip those completely. My # is still the same; future reference.
About the co-dependence thing....I never thought of his nastiness as an expression of it - wow. Wow.
I have to say, I was on my way home from work today, and it occurred to me:
I'm not missing him. I'm not feeling anything about him.
It was very, very strange. I mean, I was crying about it again last night. Just last night. About how I missed him, how much he had loved me, the way it felt when he held me, all the things he did for me and said to/about me, was always there for me. My brain flipped-flopped. There was just nothing. Not sure what brought me so around.
We talked about God and forgiveness last night. Most people said they had a hard time forgiving those who hurt them. I said my problem was that I forgave them too easily, turning it all on me.
I am going to do something right now: I am writing a letter.
This time, I am writing it to myself.
I want to remember what this feels like. The planning for the future. The lack of despair and extreme heartache. The lack of self-hatred. I need to be able to get back to this place.
And I need to find a way to make sure I'm not attacked anymore. The emails help a whole lot with that. And I know I will never be attacked in front of anyone else, so even family functions in the future should be ok.
I can make a turn-around quickly, now, but it does make me dizzier.
Now, the problem with my kids living over there in "paradise:" x wants to put S13 in the basement, dividing the space in two and putting her D15 on the other side. You know, the promiscuous girl who wears the black eye makeup, low-cut shirts and has pics of her tonguing her boyfriend on Facebook. I brought that up with x, and he just said he would never put our kids in harm's way. What a dipsh!t. What the he!! does he think this whole divorce did?!
We'll see if they get this house, or any other one. I'm guessing that her stbx is either buying her out of their house, or they will have to sell. I know that x has no money. Must be interesting to have him going from being the main provider, to having to depend on his gf... Either that, or some poor slob actually loaned them money. No idea how fast this whole thing is going to happen, and it doesn't look like I'll know anytime soon. I'll just share the concerns with the kids' IC as issues come up. She can lecture him.
IC tonight. I think I'll be having her head spin, too. Sometimes you need more than an hour....
There were a few other issues in my childhood that also affected my image of myself.
) And yes, about the TM. I skip those completely. My # is still the same; future reference.