Please help me to not give up............

[grant]

Hey Sandi,

It was great to catch up on some more about how you're doing.

How long has it been since your H discovered your Online A? Just wondered how long you'd been living woth your current status. I can see how enormously difficult is must be to stay in a M primarily because of religious convictions or financial reasons.

I can really see in how you write about it that it's hard for you to reconcile that to yourself. I would imagine that if you're still holding on some deep resentment about that, it must be difficult to move to a place where you feel able to give a little more to him. I wouldn't blame you if you said "Why should I give any more to him? After all, I was the one who stayed and cut contact with OM, AND, I didn't stay because I really wanted to, more out of obligation and circumstances".

You probably feel like you gave up a lot, and you're not getting enough back. Moreover, you're not even sure if you really want him to give more. Or that's how it kinda reads to me.

Your H must have at some point (presumably after he stopped getting angry and raving about your A) made some sort of effort to give you the attention and validation that you felt you needed. Are you saying that was only that he spoke to you a little kinder? If so, then I know that you will have been looking for more of a reaction than that.

From his POV, I would imagine that he was angry and hurt about the betrayal. And without the kind of info and DB insight, I would imagine like any of the rest of us, must have struggled and got it wrong. Perhaps if, as you say, you were disinclined to "jump back in with both feet", he would read that as a further rejection, and would retreat to his stance of "I'm not changing..... I'm not the one that had the affair". I suppose that could be pretty much "script" for most men, particularly older men.
I'm not condoning or excusing his behaviour in any way, but I know in my case, it was only when I really realised the true extent of my wife's determination to split, that I began to REALLY think about who I was, who I'd become, and what I had lost.
And what was really important to me.

God knows I'm the last person on earth to offer advice, but I do wonder what would have happened if you'd moved out for a couple of months. I suspect that you might say that your H would have dug in even deeper. You might be right. But I imagine that your staying around, even when you felt the way that you did, must have very soon lulled him into that old "comfortably numb" status. With bouts of "crabby" comments and strained conversation. Have you really told him how you feel?

You are the princess of DB!! So you've probably forgotten more than I'll ever know!!
But I'm so grateful you're giving me thoughts and advice.


Just to conclude my little "tale" about the last time I ever slept with my wife..........

To be honest, I just spent most of night looking at her sleeping, just gazing at her and thanking God that I was there with her. Our ML did not go that far, as I began to realise that she somehow just wasn't "there". I know it's of no real consequence, but I believe that she was dreaming about OM, and with the alcohol, and no contact for 4 months, I think it was just an involuntary reaction somehow.

I forgave her, and told her not to worry. She was absolutely horrified and felt so guilty. I did not want her to see how much it had killed me..... So I just said it was okay, and I understood.
I'm left with the feeling that I wished I hadn't got into bed with her..... But I had longed to be near her and to hold her so much. I don't know if anything could have stopped me that night.

Well, I hope to be going home this weekend, and am trying to prepare myself mentally for what I might come up against. That's not to say I'm not thinking positive, just trying to not have any expectations.

Another thought that I had, is that my W said that I never called or communicated enough through the phone. Of course now, I want to call every day, but haven't.

I've been pretty good about not calling since our S in March. But sometimes, although I've asked her if she wants me to call, and she has said maybe once a week, I do wonder whether calling more often would be a 180 for me.
It's the "dont bother doing it now, it's too late" thing.

Of late though we have spoken a bit more often than that. Usually as a result of me texting her something about the boys. They've been good, light convos. Pretty matter of fact I suppose, but not bad nonetheless.

I guess I'll just keep playing by ear and see what happens.

Lovely to hear from you.
Speak soon,

Grant.