Thank you for your reply. WOW! associate pastors, huh? What denomination? Do many people in church realize what is going on? I know what you mean about the man you used to know and the one you know now. I never saw this coming. H and I were high school sweethearts, known each other 21 years. We were best friends. We both had difficult childhoods and were able to share so many intimate secrets we would never dare tell anyone else. I married him for so many good reasons- hes handsome, charming, funnny, hard-working , responsible, dedicated, always courteous and respectful. I thought we had a good marriage. We had ups and downs- usually relating to intimacy. He'd complain or make a sarcastic remark if we went too long, but then it was always "water under the bridge" I think our marriage just reached a point of familiarity. I found myself very consumed with the family , house ,and my job. Became extremely exhausted , sleeping half the day away while kids were in school and H at work. Crying for "no reason", unmotivated, distracted and unorganized. My dr diagnosed depression in Nov '07. I was shocked I could be depressed, but It explained everything I was feeling, inluding my low libido. I started antidepressents but did not tell H because I was ashamed, and did not want him to take it personally, but it was already too late because he said he had been feeling unhappy and distant from me especially since our 15 anniversary in Oct '07. He had left a beautiful heart shaped solitare ring for me next to the bedside before he left for work that morning (I had lost my original wedding ring 2 years ago and was devestated over it). I remember opening the box in surprise and feeling like " oh no, why did he do this, I dont deserve this ring. " Although I thanked him, I remember telling him what I felt, and unfortunately he was extremely hurt by my reaction, and right then, he said he "lost it" for me. He felt I was not there for him emotionally or intimately. I might turn away or push him away if he tried to advance, even for just a kiss and he felt rejected. So thats when he said "IDLYA , you really hurt me". I did not realize I was behaving to that extreme, but ironicly, not long after I started taking the antidepressants in Nov. my libido shot up and our sex life was AWESOME! He acknowledged that but said although the sex was good, he didnt feel emotional connection. That was devestating, because I had. I was so happy because I knew I had to be pleasing him. So anyway, I confessed my depression, begged , reasoned, etc, etc and just pushed him further away. He constantly reminded me he didnt love me anymore and I needed to let him go. He refused counseling, and it wasnt long before he admitted to EA with a mutual friend on our S11 baseball team. Our sons have played ball now for 5 years and my H is coach of team. I considered me and OW friends, we all hung out together and even took a trip together couple years ago. H said I was not here for him emotionally so he felt he needed to reach out to "somebody, anybody that would respond". Well just as timing would have it, OW left her H just weeks before my H left me. Her H is big drinker, verbally abusive, cant hold job, does drugs. This is behind closed doors I guess because although I knew he drank alot he was always a hoot to hang out with. Im unclear exactly when the attraction began, but I think it was somewhere around that time because that is about the time I noticed both of them very cold toward me. H was spending lot of time at little league fields, I really missed him and wanted to know what was going on so left him sincere letter stating that and how much I wanted him. My letter was the open door for him to finally confess his feelings. Never did he sincerely, tactfully communicate to me his hurt- he insists he did, but I chose to "ignore" him. I remember his little complaints and sarcastic remarks about things, but I never took them that seriously, and it actually put me on defensive. But like I said , It always seemed to be "water under the bridge" after a day or so of "silent treatment" It was never that clear to me especially when a lot of his behavior indicated otherwise. Gifts, cards expressing how much he loved me, etc.We had very poor communication, looking back now.He has always had negative qualities, quick to anger, impatient, drank alot, lax about religion, etc. but I never questioned my love or committment qualites. I took the "good with the bad" and focused on all the good qualities. Right now all he sees his hurt and sees no good qualities in me. He blames me for his unhappiness and the reason he left. He has even told the kids this. I keep rambling and this is just the tip of the iceberg as I guess you can imagine. But that in a nutshell is how this all came crashing down. What does your H say sparked your marriage situation.? I am extremely worried that no matter how much DBing I do, the alcohol has already taken too firm a hold for anything to work. My kids are hurting, and all this seems to be turning more and more into a bad soap opera which most recently involves OW's H calling my H with death threats, and pursuing me to be "friends. I almost wonder, although I dont doubt OW is attracted to my H, that she is using him for shelter and protection from her H (her H still has thier house and she is staying with, if not officially living with, my H). She is also a drinker , so Im sure my H feels even more at ease around her. They're crying in their beers and on each other's shoulders about their unhappy situations and how badly they are being treated. I feel very sorry for OW, I understand she needs to get out of her relationship. Her and her kids do not deserve that kind of treatment, but why pursue your friend's husband to help make it better? I am so hurt by her and I no longer have any respect for her or her character. But I still go to ball games, with her there, and hold my head high. And although I still have days that I blame myself for everything gone wrong, Im slowly coming to the realization that this is not so much about me as it is my H, because he has had multiple things he's been unhappy about including his job, our house, the kids, himself, his relationship with his parents, and his drinking. Its all being projected onto me and it hurts. Sometimes I wonder is this marriage even worth saving, and fantizize about that "somebody" out there that will love me and how I can show him how much I love him, do everything that I was lax on in this marriage.But then I think of my vows "for better or WORSE, in SICKNESS and health", I think of my children, and I think of the man that was-that I know still really is. Let's all pray for each other, for our children, and our H. I truly believe something good will come from something bad, especially when it seems things cant get anyworse. Like I told my kids- I know this is hard, but God is watching over us and daddy. He has a plan- a surprise- a GOOD SURPRISE! We just dont know what yet . We have to be patient.
