Advice-Husband moved in with OW(I'm a Newby)

[Trying2live]

Hello again,
Just checking on you. How did counseling go?

[Trying2live]

Good Morning Everyone,
Just checking up on you all. Hey you know I only live 45 mins from my family but I don't really see them a lot during this time. I call or they call but that's it. But I see it as kinda of good thing. I don't really tell them too much because I figure in the end if we are able to restore our marriage it will be harder for them to forgive my spouse than it will be for me. So although you live far from family now it might be a good thing, at least just in case.
I think part of GAL is getting plugged in to some friends too. When I started taking Salsa lessons, I met a woman there and we back friends and hung out a few times together. So Girls/Guys sign up for something and get plugged in. I promise you it does help. At least for the time your in there your not thinking about your life and that's the best part.

Well this morning I got invited to get together with some women at a bible study. There is a woman who after 20 years of marriage just found out her H is having an A. She is very depressed and can't get out of bed. I think she is begging crying and all the unattractive stuff. I know what she is feeling but I am hoping I can share some of what all of us here are doing to reclaim our marriages and that its much more attractive.
Have a great day guys, I'll check in later...{{hugs}}

[hope3343]

Good morning, looks like it was a busy night on the thread here!

JGrind, yes my husband is an alcoholic, he gave up drinking about 20 years ago. Has an occasional slip (he was more of the party till the cows come home type drinker). Now these past months he has drank 6 or more times and driven drunk. Continue Alnon, if you don't like that group try another. There is also Ala-teen which might be good for your kids. Kids follow by example.

twinhope, I want my M to work. At the end of this post I will let everyone know how the MC meeting went (bad). Your H seems more confused but I see him gradually making his way back to you. We have to be patient and then work on forgiveness

T2L - you could have blown me away about associate pastors. But in reading other threads (did you see the one about alien taking my H)it seems that there are no surprises. These days I have turned to God and I have to say that I am starting to feel like I am not alone. I have turned this over to Him because most times I cannot handle it alone. Also I have been encouraging D15 to pray and she is a believer. It helps everyday

Marisol, my heart goes out to you. Do not feel this is the end. H is being encouraged to do this. The Divorce store? What is that?? Read Sandi note. Especially 33. The way your H is talking to you, I am sure you are coming across as needy and desperate. We are all guilty of that but you need to come out strong now in front of him anyway. Do not give up hope. Remember this is not his first A, when you have multiple A's it does not sound like there is much invested in any of them.

Sandi2, thanks for the post today. How did you know I needed to be reminded. I need to call my coachbuster today to make my next appt. I need those immediate goals and my next DB techniques.

All, last night went bad. On the way to the MC, my H says before we go in I want to tell you I found an apt. Thank you very much for sharing that before we go in (a touch of sarcasm). H spoke first saying he was leaving and wanted a D. The MC had us doing listening/paraphrasing skills. At some point I started to freak out a little (cry me a river). When I spoke I read my letter. Yes, it did contain some DB but I did tell him that I wanted to save M and I needed him and loved H. He was not receptive. I did ask him I know you are not happy, I get it but why won't you work on the marriage and at least give me a chance. I told H I was praying for us and would like God's plan to be part of our marriage since we tried it on our own all this time so how could we survive. H thought I was using God as an excuse. (he later apologized for that statement because I know he is questioning his faith every day and knows he is going against God's plan). Look up "double minded" it is interesting reading in the Bible. At the end I said the big No No, was he in love with OW. He said it is not about that it is about you and me. He has not been happy in years blah blah blah. I needed to read #32 by Sandi today. After the session I cried me a river. He took me to the beach and we both cried. It was awful. I was the needy queen. I said please don't fall in love with anyone else, please keep your mind open to me. I was the anti DBer. when I came home I went to bed. He was up to 2 am. My D15 came in the room in the morning and said how did it go? I told her we talked, but Daddy is not happy. She was satisfied with that answer.
Now God in his good humor, has put Hurricane Ike right into our path. Maybe he intends to blow my H's future apt away (wouldn't that be something!). We are going to be told to evacuate from the Island. I have booked hotel rooms in San Antonio and we will leave Friday morning. I am not used to this. I am an East Coast girl. Yes, H is coming with us. Maybe I can just lock him in our house and leave with D15 and dog! That would take care of everything --- smile!
For today it is bright and sunny out. I will keep all of you in my prayers. I will access to a computer till Friday and try to keep all of you posted.
I think on our next post we should try and list a few short term goals. I think we really help each other on this board. We want to keep ourselves positive and GAL.
I am keeping #12, #13, #14 and #24 for today.
____________
M 52
H 49
D15
D28
bomb IANH 7/27
found apt - 9/9

[Starshyne]

Marisol: There is actually a place called the Divorce Store? And your husband trusted this place to go there? My goodness! I am so sorry for the turn of events. I had to learn that I couldn't save my marriage alone. And if my H was set on leaving me for the OW, then I was going to have to accept that. you can't stop him from doing this. You can hold your head high and know that you did nothing to make to it happen and you did your best under the circumstances you were given.

hope3343: I am also sorry for the recent turn of events in your life. Having your H find his own apartment isn't easy. You are going to have some rough days ahead of you, but you are strong enough to make it out of it. Hang in there for a wild ride.

Sara

[hope3343]

Sara thanks for the kind words. It will be so rough for us. We have noone here. We moved here 2 years ago because he wanted this and now he is leaving. I still think I am in shock but I am trying to work on myself and GAL. take care.
We are working on hurricane preparations.

[JGrind]

Trying2live,

Thank you for your reply. WOW! associate pastors, huh? What denomination? Do many people in church realize what is going on? I know what you mean about the man you used to know and the one you know now. I never saw this coming. H and I were high school sweethearts, known each other 21 years. We were best friends. We both had difficult childhoods and were able to share so many intimate secrets we would never dare tell anyone else. I married him for so many good reasons- hes handsome, charming, funnny, hard-working , responsible, dedicated, always courteous and respectful. I thought we had a good marriage. We had ups and downs- usually relating to intimacy. He'd complain or make a sarcastic remark if we went too long, but then it was always "water under the bridge" I think our marriage just reached a point of familiarity. I found myself very consumed with the family , house ,and my job. Became extremely exhausted , sleeping half the day away while kids were in school and H at work. Crying for "no reason", unmotivated, distracted and unorganized. My dr diagnosed depression in Nov '07. I was shocked I could be depressed, but It explained everything I was feeling, inluding my low libido. I started antidepressents but did not tell H because I was ashamed, and did not want him to take it personally, but it was already too late because he said he had been feeling unhappy and distant from me especially since our 15 anniversary in Oct '07. He had left a beautiful heart shaped solitare ring for me next to the bedside before he left for work that morning (I had lost my original wedding ring 2 years ago and was devestated over it). I remember opening the box in surprise and feeling like " oh no, why did he do this, I dont deserve this ring. " Although I thanked him, I remember telling him what I felt, and unfortunately he was extremely hurt by my reaction, and right then, he said he "lost it" for me. He felt I was not there for him emotionally or intimately. I might turn away or push him away if he tried to advance, even for just a kiss and he felt rejected. So thats when he said "IDLYA , you really hurt me". I did not realize I was behaving to that extreme, but ironicly, not long after I started taking the antidepressants in Nov. my libido shot up and our sex life was AWESOME! He acknowledged that but said although the sex was good, he didnt feel emotional connection. That was devestating, because I had. I was so happy because I knew I had to be pleasing him. So anyway, I confessed my depression, begged , reasoned, etc, etc and just pushed him further away. He constantly reminded me he didnt love me anymore and I needed to let him go. He refused counseling, and it wasnt long before he admitted to EA with a mutual friend on our S11 baseball team. Our sons have played ball now for 5 years and my H is coach of team. I considered me and OW friends, we all hung out together and even took a trip together couple years ago. H said I was not here for him emotionally so he felt he needed to reach out to "somebody, anybody that would respond". Well just as timing would have it, OW left her H just weeks before my H left me. Her H is big drinker, verbally abusive, cant hold job, does drugs. This is behind closed doors I guess because although I knew he drank alot he was always a hoot to hang out with. Im unclear exactly when the attraction began, but I think it was somewhere around that time because that is about the time I noticed both of them very cold toward me. H was spending lot of time at little league fields, I really missed him and wanted to know what was going on so left him sincere letter stating that and how much I wanted him. My letter was the open door for him to finally confess his feelings. Never did he sincerely, tactfully communicate to me his hurt- he insists he did, but I chose to "ignore" him. I remember his little complaints and sarcastic remarks about things, but I never took them that seriously, and it actually put me on defensive. But like I said , It always seemed to be "water under the bridge" after a day or so of "silent treatment" It was never that clear to me especially when a lot of his behavior indicated otherwise. Gifts, cards expressing how much he loved me, etc.We had very poor communication, looking back now.He has always had negative qualities, quick to anger, impatient, drank alot, lax about religion, etc. but I never questioned my love or committment qualites. I took the "good with the bad" and focused on all the good qualities. Right now all he sees his hurt and sees no good qualities in me. He blames me for his unhappiness and the reason he left. He has even told the kids this. I keep rambling and this is just the tip of the iceberg as I guess you can imagine. But that in a nutshell is how this all came crashing down. What does your H say sparked your marriage situation.? I am extremely worried that no matter how much DBing I do, the alcohol has already taken too firm a hold for anything to work. My kids are hurting, and all this seems to be turning more and more into a bad soap opera which most recently involves OW's H calling my H with death threats, and pursuing me to be "friends. I almost wonder, although I dont doubt OW is attracted to my H, that she is using him for shelter and protection from her H (her H still has thier house and she is staying with, if not officially living with, my H). She is also a drinker , so Im sure my H feels even more at ease around her. They're crying in their beers and on each other's shoulders about their unhappy situations and how badly they are being treated. I feel very sorry for OW, I understand she needs to get out of her relationship. Her and her kids do not deserve that kind of treatment, but why pursue your friend's husband to help make it better? I am so hurt by her and I no longer have any respect for her or her character. But I still go to ball games, with her there, and hold my head high. And although I still have days that I blame myself for everything gone wrong, Im slowly coming to the realization that this is not so much about me as it is my H, because he has had multiple things he's been unhappy about including his job, our house, the kids, himself, his relationship with his parents, and his drinking. Its all being projected onto me and it hurts. Sometimes I wonder is this marriage even worth saving, and fantizize about that "somebody" out there that will love me and how I can show him how much I love him, do everything that I was lax on in this marriage.But then I think of my vows "for better or WORSE, in SICKNESS and health", I think of my children, and I think of the man that was-that I know still really is. Let's all pray for each other, for our children, and our H. I truly believe something good will come from something bad, especially when it seems things cant get anyworse. Like I told my kids- I know this is hard, but God is watching over us and daddy. He has a plan- a surprise- a GOOD SURPRISE! We just dont know what yet . We have to be patient.


me- 36

[JGrind]

Trying2live,

Thank you for your reply. WOW! associate pastors, huh? What denomination? Do many people in church realize what is going on? I know what you mean about the man you used to know and the one you know now. I never saw this coming. H and I were high school sweethearts, known each other 21 years. We were best friends. We both had difficult childhoods and were able to share so many intimate secrets we would never dare tell anyone else. I married him for so many good reasons- hes handsome, charming, funnny, hard-working , responsible, dedicated, always courteous and respectful. I thought we had a good marriage. We had ups and downs- usually relating to intimacy. He'd complain or make a sarcastic remark if we went too long, but then it was always "water under the bridge" I think our marriage just reached a point of familiarity. I found myself very consumed with the family , house ,and my job. Became extremely exhausted , sleeping half the day away while kids were in school and H at work. Crying for "no reason", unmotivated, distracted and unorganized. My dr diagnosed depression in Nov '07. I was shocked I could be depressed, but It explained everything I was feeling, inluding my low libido. I started antidepressents but did not tell H because I was ashamed, and did not want him to take it personally, but it was already too late because he said he had been feeling unhappy and distant from me especially since our 15 anniversary in Oct '07. He had left a beautiful heart shaped solitare ring for me next to the bedside before he left for work that morning (I had lost my original wedding ring 2 years ago and was devestated over it). I remember opening the box in surprise and feeling like " oh no, why did he do this, I dont deserve this ring. " Although I thanked him, I remember telling him what I felt, and unfortunately he was extremely hurt by my reaction, and right then, he said he "lost it" for me. He felt I was not there for him emotionally or intimately. I might turn away or push him away if he tried to advance, even for just a kiss and he felt rejected. So thats when he said "IDLYA , you really hurt me". I did not realize I was behaving to that extreme, but ironicly, not long after I started taking the antidepressants in Nov. my libido shot up and our sex life was AWESOME! He acknowledged that but said although the sex was good, he didnt feel emotional connection. That was devestating, because I had. I was so happy because I knew I had to be pleasing him. So anyway, I confessed my depression, begged , reasoned, etc, etc and just pushed him further away. He constantly reminded me he didnt love me anymore and I needed to let him go. He refused counseling, and it wasnt long before he admitted to EA with a mutual friend on our S11 baseball team. Our sons have played ball now for 5 years and my H is coach of team. I considered me and OW friends, we all hung out together and even took a trip together couple years ago. H said I was not here for him emotionally so he felt he needed to reach out to "somebody, anybody that would respond". Well just as timing would have it, OW left her H just weeks before my H left me. Her H is big drinker, verbally abusive, cant hold job, does drugs. This is behind closed doors I guess because although I knew he drank alot he was always a hoot to hang out with. Im unclear exactly when the attraction began, but I think it was somewhere around that time because that is about the time I noticed both of them very cold toward me. H was spending lot of time at little league fields, I really missed him and wanted to know what was going on so left him sincere letter stating that and how much I wanted him. My letter was the open door for him to finally confess his feelings. Never did he sincerely, tactfully communicate to me his hurt- he insists he did, but I chose to "ignore" him. I remember his little complaints and sarcastic remarks about things, but I never took them that seriously, and it actually put me on defensive. But like I said , It always seemed to be "water under the bridge" after a day or so of "silent treatment" It was never that clear to me especially when a lot of his behavior indicated otherwise. Gifts, cards expressing how much he loved me, etc.We had very poor communication, looking back now.He has always had negative qualities, quick to anger, impatient, drank alot, lax about religion, etc. but I never questioned my love or committment qualites. I took the "good with the bad" and focused on all the good qualities. Right now all he sees his hurt and sees no good qualities in me. He blames me for his unhappiness and the reason he left. He has even told the kids this. I keep rambling and this is just the tip of the iceberg as I guess you can imagine. But that in a nutshell is how this all came crashing down. What does your H say sparked your marriage situation.? I am extremely worried that no matter how much DBing I do, the alcohol has already taken too firm a hold for anything to work. My kids are hurting, and all this seems to be turning more and more into a bad soap opera which most recently involves OW's H calling my H with death threats, and pursuing me to be "friends. I almost wonder, although I dont doubt OW is attracted to my H, that she is using him for shelter and protection from her H (her H still has thier house and she is staying with, if not officially living with, my H). She is also a drinker , so Im sure my H feels even more at ease around her. They're crying in their beers and on each other's shoulders about their unhappy situations and how badly they are being treated. I feel very sorry for OW, I understand she needs to get out of her relationship. Her and her kids do not deserve that kind of treatment, but why pursue your friend's husband to help make it better? I am so hurt by her and I no longer have any respect for her or her character. But I still go to ball games, with her there, and hold my head high. And although I still have days that I blame myself for everything gone wrong, Im slowly coming to the realization that this is not so much about me as it is my H, because he has had multiple things he's been unhappy about including his job, our house, the kids, himself, his relationship with his parents, and his drinking. Its all being projected onto me and it hurts. Sometimes I wonder is this marriage even worth saving, and fantizize about that "somebody" out there that will love me and how I can show him how much I love him, do everything that I was lax on in this marriage.But then I think of my vows "for better or WORSE, in SICKNESS and health", I think of my children, and I think of the man that was-that I know still really is. Let's all pray for each other, for our children, and our H. I truly believe something good will come from something bad, especially when it seems things cant get anyworse. Like I told my kids- I know this is hard, but God is watching over us and daddy. He has a plan- a surprise- a GOOD SURPRISE! We just dont know what yet . We have to be patient.


me- 36

[Trying2live]

Jgrind,
Well so you weren't perfect neither were any of us. That does not license having an affair. There are plenty of opportunities for communication. But they chose not to they chose selfishness. Their choice was deliberate, but our short comings were not deliberate. No one is perfect and neither were any of our spouse. But we did not run of and have an affair.

As I look back more and more I realize yes it was good and we had definite bad times, but what I thought was good is starting to not look as good as it was-funny thing of hindsight. Maybe if our H's come out of this it can be good. But I bet if you look closely at your own marriages you will see the same thing. Good is ok, but good also means that it can get better. I see now that because of both of our dysfunctional upbringings that we did this dance. He danced, I danced and the kids danced-and yes we were relatively happy, but for all in the household I now see that it wasn't as pure and whole as it could be or hopefully can be.
I know that all things are possible with God. God cannot override the will of a person, so we stand, we pray for the darkness to be removed from their minds, we get to know who we are a individuals, GAL, and grow while we wait. Some things will be out of our control and some won't. That's where we gotta just cast those cares over to God because he cares for us. Besides worrying never fixed anything.
So ya'll wanna hear the retarded thing he did last night...oh Brother...
Kids have been really upset with H as you all know. They go back and forth about talking or visiting with him. For a month they didn't talk to him, then for a month they did(and they really didn't enjoy the visits because he's not the person we all knew) and now were back again where they really don't want to talk to him. So I tell H hey even if they don't want to talk still call anyways. So you wanna hear his lame message. I couldn't even play it for my son its scary. He says, "Hi its dad, I'm calling to talk to ****, I'm sure he's led to believe I want to kill him, so call me back".

WHAT?!?!?!?!?! Ok I know he blames me for the kids reactions-as if our kids don't have their own thoughts about all this I mean my daughter is 17 and my son will be 10 in 4 weeks. Just a really bad message using your kids name and kill in the same breath-ewe. Insane in the membrane! None the less I'm saving that message just in case I ever need it....cuckoo

[hope3343]

Hello all, Jgrind your H sounds like mine. Lack of intimacy, not connecting for a long time, Inh, We had problems but I did not cheat. Pretty sad. When we go back (positive DB), I want many positive changes. Will NEVER go back to the way it was. I have been doing inventory and it makes me sad because there was so much I could have done better, all the little things, that I do not think I would be in this position today.
T2L, what a phone message, yes save it so the next time you are feeling down play it. That would do it for me. What was he thinking. I would just tell S he called and you erased it by mistake so at least he knows.
I am dreading the next few weeks. after last night I feel pretty low. But today I have to be strong. We are making hurricane preparations. We have been here almost 2 years and H never checked out the plywood to see if it would fit and the screw are all wrong. He cannot handle anything with home projects except maybe electrical. He is at home depot as I write this. My D and myself took the plywood from the front and matched what windows and doors we could. The problem is that the back some of the plywood is too big. I want to show him I am strong and independent. Any prayers coming my way that his future furnished apt will get blown away in the storm? A joke?
If we have to leave I have to spend the next 2 nights in San Antonio with H, D, dog at hotel. I think the OW is going there also. He asked if we should take 2 cars? For what rendevous with Ow?? My mind is going today. They say God will not give you more than you can take, I think he is testing me today. I would rather deal with any hurricane than my M falling apart like this.
Need some ideas also. How should I handle the apt thing? Should I be friendly and go see it with D or should I totally stay back. I don't want him to think I agree but should I act like I am interested as a DB effort? It really aggravates me that when I go for my therapy walk every night I have to pass these apts! Yikes!!! What a week for all. Glad we all found each other on this thread...seriously.
Keep the faith...

[Trying2live]

Well keep us informed with all the hurricane stuff. I understand. With a hurricane you can prepare and keep safe but with and affair there's no safety really.
I'm not sure if I would go see the apt. I mean that's not really what you want and are in agreement to. If he mentions it just be nonchalant and say maybe something like oh good for you I'm glad you found something you like and try not to be moved. These guys want control and attention. It seems like he sure talks about this apt a a lot. Why? What is his motivation? I mean if your gonna do it just pick one and do it why keep telling this to your wife unless you want some kind of reaction. I'd keep it light cheery confident-oh great glad you found something and talk about your new class your gonna take or something. That's just my thoughts, could be wrong. Keep GAL and creating that new you with those changes that you talked about in your inventory. No one is perfect so don't condemn yourself about it that's not a reason for an affair, there's always the route of communication. Our spouse's could have communicated at any time and allowed us the opportunity for change.