I think I may belong here.

[kelaaron]

Thank you for your support. Would love to try coaching but can't afford it right now either. No I'm not in counseling. Tried that years ago, IC, and was not very successful. I am depressed, sad, lonely. Right now I think I will be ok. I am really having major inner struggles over the giving up control thing. It is what I have to do for me and hopefully for this M but it isn't easy to let down the armor and be vunerable. Especially when right now is probably when I need it the most. Have Dr appt next week and am thinking about getting something, especially since I am on a hormonal emotional rollercoaster right now as well. Went off pill after 22 years and my body hates me.

Had a talk with S earlier. Asked him how he was doing with all of this. He is losing respect for his father. He knows I'm hurting, but I have tried very hard not to blame or criticize H to S. He sees his father as giving up and says if he leaves, he won't be able to look at him same way. My heart is breaking for him and H. They have always had a wonderful relationship. H had a sh*t of a father and he worked so hard to be a good father. Can't tell H what S said though, he will see it as a ploy or something. So yes that is upsetting too.

It is really hard, to think of all we have been through together, and it hasn't been easy or pretty, that he can just be so selfish. And knowing how I contributed to it is even harder to face. It can be so hard to hate someone you love but I am living it.