The Bumpy Road to Recovery #2

[Bagheera]

How are you lately, Mr. Bagheera?

DQ

Not too bad, actually. The students are back at the university where I work, clogging up the sidewalks; our own kids are also back in school, giving Mom such much needed alone-time during the day (which definitely helps our sex-life in giving her a chance to 'recharge'); and the weather is starting to cool off to that enjoyable, fall, balmy state.

On the SSM front, I'm currently going through Why Mars and Venus Collide and have finally ordered the much-talked-about-here Passionate Marriage. We're still seeing our counselor/sex therapist, and our 'assignments' for this week are for her to look for and express positives in dealing with me (she generally expresses negatives but remains silent on the positives); and for me to seek out new male friendships or revitalize some old ones (does this sound familiar Nice Guys?).

The other thing I'm personally working on is to 'read' my wife's mood and feelings better than I have in the past. This is partly due to my being the more emotional one in the relationship, and therefor I have a tendency to project MY feelings rather than reading hers accurately. It's also due to the fact that I'm visually impaired, a fact I've not shared here before.

Here's a bit of the story:

In 1993, I was working in the nuclear power industry, and was involved in an on-the-job injury: severe chemical burns to both eyes, which resulted in permanent blindness near-total sight loss for the next seven years. Add that to a marriage that was already strained, and you get, uh, SEVERE strain. In one smooth stroke, I lost my eyesight, my career path (which requires good vision), my job and the family's income (we were single income at the time), and my manhood (as far as I was concerned).

For me, being 'a man' is about being able to protect, provide for, and care for myself and others. It is about being completely independent and self-reliant. It is about being strong and confident in dealing with others. So losing my eyesight, in my view, meant a loss of my manhood too -- I was, initially, completely helpless and had to be taken care of by others. I worked hard to recover myself, and within two years of the initial injury, I was able to take care of myself again, move about town independently (with long cane or my guide-dog), and was back in college again full-time, and working on my second career (and kicking butt grade-wise). Within twelve years, I had a fresh Ph.D. and was able to support the family again, income wise (sort of a loooong career training path, but it's what I wanted to do).

Throughout it all my wife stood firmly beside me, which goes a great deal toward her credit --> I met many other men in Blind Rehabilitation who lost their wives and children when they lost their eyesight. Add the stages of anger and grieving that the person who lost their sight has to go through to the mix of everything else, and it strains many marriages to the breaking point. I was already in a strained SSM, and yet we stuck it out. She stood by her man, even when he was down, very angry, and helpless for a while. This was a big part of why I decided last year to put EVERY EFFORT into rebuilding my marriage and making it what we both dreamed it should be, rather than pitching in the towel: she deserved my every effort, and then some.

Back to the original topic:

In 2000 I underwent a surgery that restored some limited vision to one eye, which is a great help. BUT, I still can't read facial expressions, and body language is often hard to pick up too. That leaves me with voice and touch to go by, in reading her moods and feelings. And it needs some work. I am primarily a kinesthetic (touch oriented) person, followed by the visual, the audio, and lastly olfactory. The eyesight loss heightened the first, destroyed the second, and I've improved at the third; but really reading someone *accurately* through audio only (without the visual cues) is still rough sometimes. Think of only being able to read your spouse's feelings over the phone all the time...it can be done, but you yearn just to see their face, and look into their EYES, in particular.

And now you know THE REST OF THE STORY.

Good day,

Bagheera