how do you deal when spouse works with OP?

[Babygirl]

my story is here my story

I mean seriously, he works with her! Everyday, in close proximity! Tomorrow, work football pool, first time in years he isnt taking me, why? because she is gonna be there!

How do you find trust if they see eachother everyday?

[sandi2]

Oh Babygirl.........I have read your story and got mad and cried and got mad again. I have to ask you, is he worth this? When your D is begging you to lock him out of the house?? I don't know. Guess I don't understand. I'm not as good a person as you, or something. I could not put up with a man disrespecting me the way he constantly treats you. You are worth more than that! He doesn't deserve you. He has shown what he is made of four times! You keep taking him back.......and he keeps doing it to you again. What will break the chain?

At first I wondered if you felt that you had to stay with him due to your health problems, but you said that you did not. So, is it b/c of the finacial support? Do you really, can you really love a person that treats you this way? I'm not telling you to leave him or file for a divorce. I am only trying to understand how or why you keep putting yourself and the kids through this. Can you see a life without him? Could you make it without him in your life? You stay so hurt and upset all the time and he doesn't ever seem to care what he does to you. Has it always been this way? Or, is it when he has his OW? I don't know......but, I couldn't do it. I wished I could give you encouragement, but I think it only makes me mad at him for the terrible treatment he is doing to his family.

I think you are so brave to face the health problems you have and you need people around you that love you and will care for you. Just like you said about losing your hair. That is tramatic for a woman and she needs her H to hold her and tell her he loves her no matter what.......instead of being with somebody else. That is just too low down and dirty. You deserve much better, babygirl.

I'm sorry if I said anything offensive, but I suppose I had to vent after reading all the crap he has done to you. My heart goes out to you and I know nothing I can do except pray for you and your children. And.....just to tell you that I am here. There are a lot of people here for you and truth be known, we all would probably like a piece of that jerk, but if you want to keep him, then we will try to support you the best we can.

Most of all, we want you to be well. We want you to be happy, Babygirl! Please keep telling yourself that you deserve to be happy and that you are too valualbe to be disrepsected.

Sandi

[want2heal]

The only way you can deal with it (trust me I know) is if he is total honest with you about every conversation they have. If he does not speak with her regarding anything personal especially involving your marriage and that there is absolutely no contact outside of the office. This includes football pools, lunches, happy hours etc....unless you are present. If he is not willing to give you those things, he is not willing to end the affair. My H struggles hard with his feelings for her and the "perfect relationship" that they were trying to create however with time those feelings are going away, with his committment to make our marriage work came his committment to put my needs (to regain my trust) ahead of any needs that he has. That doesn't mean I can take advantage of him just that my trust is his number one priority. I can tell you if it wasn't this way, there is no way I could trust him,..

[Puppy Dog Tails]

my story is here my story

I mean seriously, he works with her! Everyday, in close proximity! Tomorrow, work football pool, first time in years he isnt taking me, why? because she is gonna be there!

How do you find trust if they see eachother everyday?

Not sure what you mean by "deal." If HE is willing to end the affair, and/or claims that he HAS, then you need to get him to agree to no-contact. If he can request a transfer, great, but if not, it will be necessary for him to get another job if he's serious about working at your marriage.

If he's promised no such thing, but the question is just how do YOU deal with the fact that he's in contact with her at work, that's another matter.

Puppy

[want2heal]

Unfortunately we are not in a financial position to allow him to quit his job and he hasn't been there long enough to not permanently damage his resume in the current economic environment so quitting isn't an option. He has ended it with her, he told her that he is 100% committed to our marriage and does his very best to keep everything professional.

[Babygirl]

Thanks pup, I guess yeah I mean how do I deal with the latter.

In an email yesterday, he said there is no relationship. I think that is his way of saying he ended it, but I really dont know. He still doesnt see an EA as cheating, and I know i cant make him. and to be honest, I havent checked his phone to see if she is still calling in quite a while. I dont think he would quit his job, and I dont think I could ask him too, he started at the bottom,6 years ago, and is now the supervisor of his whole dept. His plan is to stay there for a few more years, and then go into management at Boeing. He worked hard for his postion, she worked for hers on her knees. LOL! ok, so do you know anyone who did a NC and still worked together? I mean, strictly work related run ins only?
the not taking me to the football thing, I am sure he was scared to death. But I am a lady and would NEVER do anything to embarress him infront of his coworkers, and many of them are my friends. Its trust, I have to decide if I can do it or not, and thats where I just plain SUCK! I quoted something you said in another post, about trust. the OW makes this whole deal a game, and she doesnt want to lose. If I felt this was a game and not a M worth saving, i could deal my hand, that would end up with both of them losing their jobs!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Babygirl,

I do not know personally, nor have I ever heard of, any no-contact plan succeeding where the ex-lovers continued to be in contact at work. Sorry.

I'm not saying it can't be done, but I think it would be damned difficult, and your husband would have to be VERY highly motivated to make his reconcilation with you work, and very scared of losing you, in my opinion.

I also think the OW would have to be chastened, and respectful of the boundary that the married couple has laid out that they are wanting her to back off and let them work on their marriage. If she were the pursuer, I don't think it would work -- at all.

The problem is, physiologically (brain chemicals), "contact is contact." In fact, even a NEGATIVE contact (say, a pissy argument with the former OM/OW) can re-stimulate the brain's endorphines, and re-set the wayward spouse's withdrawal "clock" back to 0:00:00.

Puppy

[Babygirl]

Thanks puppy! do you know how many times I have read various places on here, that YOU are amazing? lol, so I feel totally honored to have your input.
I dont know if I did the right thing or not, but let me tell you what I did today.
I got a call today telling me I was gonna be a grandma. (not my kid, but one of my many "kids" who have adopted me over the years" he said dont beat me, I know you said no being a grandma til you are 45, BUT congrats granny. This boy, sheesh is almost 20 ok so man, Works for my H, plays ball with H and on our coed team. He is part of our family. He does know about the OW and keeps an eye on things, my H is in an all day audit, so he called on his lunch. He asked how I was doing, (health, he shaved his head too when i lost my hair) and how I thought things were going with H, and to remind me, he does keep an eye on things. The issue he has, is that H doesnt know he knows, (sheesh idiot lol) but he wants to confront H and let him know he does, and that the OW is truly wrecking our lives, and to tell him how bad it hurts him to see his family falling apart, so he can only imagine what its doing to our children, and that his child is going to really need H and I to be the grandparents and family, he doesnt have to give the child. He wants to offer H support in staying away from OW and a kick in the butt if he gets to close again. He wants to do this on his own as he feels guilty for not confronting H yet. and of course would leave me out(as he always does) and not let H know I already know his plan. I told him I needed to think about it, which I really needed time to get my butt back in here and see what ya'll would think of this.
I didnt ask, I have no expectations. But this would be the first time except for me and his mom, that he will be confronted. so mr puppy what do I do????

[Puppy Dog Tails]

You tell him "Do what feels honest for you, and share what's on your heart; I will neither ENcourage you nor DIScourage you," and then let him be. Don't prod him, don't put any words in his mouth or use him as a go-between to what YOU feel like saying to your husband. TRULY be neutral (don't "hint", for example, even while you're saying these politically-correct words that you'd really LOVE it if he did!), and then leave him be.

He will do what he will do. This is what I did with my adult daughters, and each confronted their mother in their own, and very different, ways, and on their own time.

Puppy

[Babygirl]

I would NEVER put any child of man in a situation to make them do that. He came to me earlier on and told me he knew. neither of us went into any details. I think he just wanted to make sure, if he did what HE wants, I wouldnt be upset. This truly as with my blood children, is killing him. I will send him an email that just tells him exactly what you said, in fact i think I will copy and paste.
I dont even think I want to know how it went, if that makes any sense. who knows, i am a weirdo lol!
thank you puppy for taking the time out of your own life to offer me your advice, I really appreciate it!!