New month, new strategy

[istherehope]

Thanks Pisces,

Not sure if you're still up or reading this, but did your H go back and forth in terms of making contact/being closed off before you were sure things were improving? Did he actually say things like "it's not you it's me, not sure if I want to be married?"

I do see positive actions in my H, so not trying to discount that, nor am I trying to discount how important it is that he feels good about himself. It is simply that the more time spent apart, the less committed he seems to be to trying, at least based on his words. He went from "I'm trying" before I left to "I might not want to be married and I can't picture myself with you right now." It's as if with each passing week, he is closing the door and the time apart seems to make it easier for him. I can understand that the R is the last thing he'd want to focus on right now, and I don't want to pressure him in any way to do this. I only want to make sure that he is, at the very least, calm about my return next month, even if he is not happy.

Were there times during your period apart where things seemed to go backwards or at a standstill? We're not in the position at the moment where we can see each other often enough for me to judge progress, maybe that is the real issue. Monday was very good, for sure. I guess on the call with Jody tonight (assuming it's just me), I'll see what she suggests in terms of next steps. I feel like it's time to step things up a notch in terms of building the friendship, but I am not sure what that means. Also maybe I am completely wrong about that instinct!

I'll post later if there are any updates, either interesting H contact or actions from Jody.

Thanks for your post,

ITH

[istherehope]

Hi all,

I decided to call a depression hotline as I really wanted to talk about H. I am feeling horribly guilty for being out of the country, even though I know he doesn't want me there. I want to be back in Dublin more than I can explain, and to be more in his life again. Anyway, I will talk to Jody about her thoughts on this...

So, the person I spoke to was very nice, but just kept talking about how I should share my feelings more with H. I explained that I was trying to save the marriage, and that I wasn't sure whether this was such a good idea given his own state. She said he needed to be constantly reminded of me, and that I should call frequently, even if just to say "Hi, thinking of you." Of course that is a logical thing to say, but completely anti-DB. She did say that emotions go dead in depression, so it is quite normal for someone not to feel love. She suggested when I do go back, I just say I am here, not mention working on the relationship or anything. This was sound advice I think. However, she also suggested that I just go back home if I want to. Tempting as this is, if I break my word to H, I am pretty sure we will not have any chance of success. My only hope is for him to actually ask me back early, or just to take an extended business trip before I get back if I really don't want to be here. I ended the call before too long as, though it was somewhat therapeutic, it really wasn't helpful for someone in my sitch.

Also, got a few emails from H this afternoon. He's sticking to the every other day pattern. It's almost funny. Emails I sent yesterday/Monday night are being answered today. I had sent him an email yesterday about having his US debit card, and he said he had a credit card for me too. He also brought up his school tuition (pre-bomb my stocks and bonuses in October and March were meant to cover the balance). Another email came in in response to me saying I wouldn't take a trip to Hamburg due to the costs, but instead would just take a train somewhere close. He wrote back, said we'd spent $5K on another trip this year that could have been applied to his tuition, and that neither of us should take holidays. Furthermore, "perhaps we should focus on the tuition instead." I wrote back. "You're absolutely right". Of course, this is future talk, whether he realizes it or not. My guess is that he doesn't see it this way. I did not bring up stocks or bonuses, but this is where the money is meant to come from. I am OK with this, if we are not going to be separated anymore. In fact if he is this worried about expenses, I am not sure how another 3 month separation would work.

Also he sent an email that his old (individual) credit card was cancelled, and the debt was put on our new (joint) card. I wrote back and said that it was a great idea to transfer debt like this, you know, praising with every opportunity I get...He wrote back that it was just done for him, with a smiley face, and I tried to be flirtatious in a response and said "I'm sure you have other good ideas though :)".

Anyway I have to send that joint session email in a bit. I think I will just ask if his preference is to go ahead with tonight's or push out, and that I will go with his decision on it. I'm starting to put in more niceties, so am also adding something like "Hope you're having a good day in windy Dublin." Some of his emails are now more than 1 line long, so I feel it's worth continuing in this friendly manner...

ITH

[istherehope]

OK sent the email about pushing out the sessions...he's online but no response still:

"Hey there,
Would you prefer to push out tonight's 9 PM session or go ahead with it? I'll go with your decision on this one.
Thanks! Hope you're having a good day in windy Dublin."

So seems to me pretty low-pressure...To be honest I hope he says let's push it out so that I can give Jody the dirt on Monday's events. I also don't want to hear any spew from him about the day, as I suspect he will not be as (openly) positive as me. I think pushing out the session 1-2 weeks would be more positive for both of us. Anyway, ball's in his court now. I only hope that he decides to answer! How awkward would that be if he never responded?

ITH

[istherehope]

Alright last post until my DB session tonight(unless something interesting happens beforehand). H wrote back and asked to push the session out 1 week. It's also worth noting that he actually uses the word "hi" in his emails now. This is an improvement!

To me this shows that he still has some level of commitment to the process. He was given the choice and made it (I never said do you want to push out 1 week? Just do you want to push out), so this might make future sessions more productive.

Great idea that Jody had for me to suggest this...

ITH

[JCJ]

Yay ITH, that's great! He is still showing some commitment and you are letting him go at his own pace. Now NO EXPECTATIONS

And the email was perfect.

[Separated]

Hi ITH!! It sounds like you did make great improvements with your trip to Dublin. You ML after he said that wouldn't happen. I had to laugh when you said about taking pics because right now most of the convos that H & I have are via text and we have been sending pics =

You are doing great, keep strong!!!

[istherehope]

Thanks Separated and JCJ :),

Also want to add that H just IMd me and asked if I was going back to Poland tomorrow. I think he'd wanted to get together tonight, hadn't even realized how long I was in town for :). I'm very, very sad not to see him, but it's sort of a good "leaving him wanting more" feeling as t here's no way to just pop over there now! He said ohhhh, weird. I guess he could have actually read my email to figure out the dates, but there you go.

Separated, I love the pics idea. I won't go there unless H initiates, but it would be fun. Of course he has a pretty nice video to entertain himself with for awhile now. :).

ITH

[BigHands]

ITH, you should go back and read your previous thread, just to see how far you and your situation have come. It really is impressive. I think you're doing much better at the "no pressure" thing. Now, if he'll work on his own issues, you're golden. It makes me smile to see all of this.

I'm getting settled. If you want a bit of an update on where my situation is, go to "Surviving the Big D" and check out my thread, "A House By The Lake". Even though my situation went the divorce route, I'm very happy. That said, the problems with the ex are still not ever going to end.

[pisces9]

yes- my H did say it wasnt me. and he did waffle. you need to stay strong through the waffling.

that was the hardest part for me too.

but you are being very smart by praising him for all the ideas he has for your accts, money, etc. that is awesome!

that is the only real interaction i had with my H for a long time and it seemed to really build his self esteem up. you show him you trust him and he will feel that strength.

[istherehope]

Thanks BH and Pisces,

Weird semi-nice/semi-hostile contact continues via IM...Now H is really stressed out about his overdue tuition, saying he doesn't want to travel for at least a few months, except this Mexico trip in January (note that was OUR trip until recently) to see his family, but everything is in the singular form here. However he talks about paying for tuition with the October stock/bonus money, note this is actually my stock and bonus money. To his not wanting to travel for awhile, I said "makes perfect sense." To "his" trip to Mexico, I said "Yes that is important." I will be devastated if he goes without me and his family sees this. We were married in Mexico...I am a part of the family, and hopefully I will remain so.

Not once has he even alluded to the fact that there are hotel charges and airline tickets in the budget due to this separation. In fact next month we could save a few hundred Euros by only having me come home 1-2 weeks early. I don't know how to get this into his mind though, as it really needs to come from him. I think he resents me now for pushing this expensive holiday we took and not paying on his school. Note too though that we have had a long-term budget for this for ages, which includes payment from one of my bonuses in Spring, but there is no way I'm mentioning a timeframe that far out right now... He has said "we shouldn't have gone on that holiday, this is my future here." So I only said, "I'm sorry, you're right. We will cover it though." Also we were behind on my MBA loan payments for a year after my graduation. Selective memory. I just hope this isn't being added the list of reasons why it is good not to be with me :(.

Anyway I'm incredibly tempted once again to try and make conversation, and to ask him can't I just come home and we can work on this together, but am biting my virtual tongue.

ITH