Just following up on my funk from a few days ago, which has persisted.
In a lot of advice for those dealing with D, they say you have to become a whole person again. At first I didn't think about it too much, after all, I am my own person, right?
But I'm beginning to think that I'm not whole. I spend my days reacting rather than creating. The past months seem like a constant daily churn, even though I've gotten to travel and see some great places. I need to find my way back to seeing each day as a new opportunity rather than something to get through; I need to see the week as ripe with possibilities rather than something to get through before the next weekend. Just not sure how to do that.
I guess a lot of it is simply learning to slough off all the negative images that W has subtly heaped on me, and that I've subsequently heaped on myself. The message has been, if you don't pursue a doctorate degree, you aren't worth anything; if you get depressed, or if your parents divorced, or if your childhood was filled with drama, there is something fundamentally flawed in you. How can I believe a message like that?
It comes down to this: what does my heart tell me to do with my life? I'm dismayed to realize that I have no idea. That's the answer I'm looking for, the thing that will allow me to become a whole person again. We all create our own realities and for too long I've let my reality be defined by someone else.
