I do somewhat agree with the others, but I think your W more subconsciously than consciously knows about the OW's.
However...here is what I see as the bottom line...
You are in such a quandary that you are literally going to have to choose for YOURSELF....your wife, the way she is and knowing she may never change....or the life you hope to have, out there, with someone else.
One is a known quantity and the other is a total mystery.
I think you know this, too....I think this is why you have been so reluctant to talk to her, because you know it is either going to boil down to you not getting what you want for the rest of your life but being able to stay married to her, or you going through a lot of pain and heartache for you, your W and your D, so that you can get untangled and be free to pursue other women.
I'm sorry your talk turned into a heated exchange...for whatever it is worth, it sounds to me like you really did a good job at being as calm as possible. Good job, Cinco.
I know you truly love her and you want this with her. But that may not be her choice for herself, so then YOU have to choose for the both of you what may happen.
I feel that you should really just go into self-examination mode right now...about your life, your career, and your marriage. And try not to feel guilty about it, either. Take a really good look at what you really want...I know you really want your wife, but for now, pretend it is truly only about you only....if you could put any pain your W and D would experience from a divorce on a shelf and pretend that part would not be a factor, then what would your choices be?
You're in a difficult place to find what your highest truth really is, because other people's lives are at stake. But you can't be true to them if you are not being true to yourself.
In your wife's mind, yes, this is all about "her giving it up more often" and if she would just change that you would be happy.
But in her mind, this is all about if you would just "love her the way she is and lower your silly sexual urges" and if you would just do that, then she would be happy.
To each of you, it looks like what the other needs to do should be such an easy thing.
From the outside of course, it is obvious that neither of you will be able to accomplish that "easy thing".
