It's All I Can Do...

[Bagheera]

She told me I needed to read my part and to stop making such a big deal out of sex.

Do you think there is some middle-aged woman out there waiting for you that wants sex 3 times a week?

Do you want permission to go out and get whores?

I have to agree with Alimari on this one, Cinco. I hear the echo of the suspected / known about affairs in the above also. She still has a LOT of anger, hurt, and resentment to get over, and some forgiveness to find. Every now and then, such on as Labor Day, she can break through those and let herself really enjoy being with you: but it's extremely hard and will be rare, for now.

It's also very clear that she still DOES NOT GET the connection between physical and emotional intimacy for a man. Again, Alimari is correct in that your affairs proved (in your wife's mind) that it wasn't emotional connection and love you were missing, it was just the physical act and release. To use the analogy that I brought up with Mr. Fix-It, you were missing the entire cake (cake and frosting) so badly, that you made a wrong choice and at least went out and found some 'cake' (with no frosting) -- poisonous to your marriage as it was.

Going back to my original thoughts regarding your situation (after reading your first post), I still think that your affairs are like a White Elephant standing in the room every time you have a serious R talk with your wife, one that both of you steadfastly ttry to ignore, but he's still there. At some point (and shifting metaphors), I think that you're going to have to uncover that wound and treat it, painful as that may be for both of you. This is just my hunch:

If she knows about or suspects the affairs, your coming clean about them may be the KEY INGREDIENT towards helping her to heal from them, forgive, and move on.

Otherwise, rather than face the tough journey of trying to change HERSELF, she will always have your hidden transgressions to point to as an excuse for NOT doing anything. You're the culprit, who continues to hide what he's done. Why should SHE change?

These are just my thoughts, Cinco, so please take them as such. At the very least, you owe her some patience and forgiveness for not changing quickly enough to suit you, or appearing dedicated enough to such change.

-- B.