Sorry you're so bummed. You and I seem to stay in the same corner in our M's a lot of the time, so I completely understand your impatience and frustration.
It doesn't sound to me as if she has read the book, given the content of her questions. That, or she got uncomfortable and skipped over to what YOUR responsibilities were and dwelled there--HA! Sounds like you and I are between a counselor's office and a hard place.
Your GAL activities today: work out until it feels really good & put your most happy, confident self out there with CB's suggestions and find yourself a new job. From experience, I can attest that it is REALLY tough to endure the trials of the SSM alongside the challenge of a job search after a layoff. I went through the same thing at the first of the year. I only wish I had known about this forum then, so I could have had some SSM support.
Hang in there and don't let negative thoughts hijack your mind today. (Tell them to take a "permanent" raincheck, cuz you're too busy.) Let's both say a heartfelt prayer to be open to all of the bounty that God has for us in his riches today.
Hang in there and don't let negative thoughts hijack your mind today. (Tell them to take a "permanent" raincheck, cuz you're too busy.) Let's both say a heartfelt prayer to be open to all of the bounty that God has for us in his riches today.
She told me I needed to read my part and to stop making such a big deal out of sex.
Do you think there is some middle-aged woman out there waiting for you that wants sex 3 times a week?
Do you want permission to go out and get whores?
I have to agree with Alimari on this one, Cinco. I hear the echo of the suspected / known about affairs in the above also. She still has a LOT of anger, hurt, and resentment to get over, and some forgiveness to find. Every now and then, such on as Labor Day, she can break through those and let herself really enjoy being with you: but it's extremely hard and will be rare, for now.
It's also very clear that she still DOES NOT GET the connection between physical and emotional intimacy for a man. Again, Alimari is correct in that your affairs proved (in your wife's mind) that it wasn't emotional connection and love you were missing, it was just the physical act and release. To use the analogy that I brought up with Mr. Fix-It, you were missing the entire cake (cake and frosting) so badly, that you made a wrong choice and at least went out and found some 'cake' (with no frosting) -- poisonous to your marriage as it was.
Going back to my original thoughts regarding your situation (after reading your first post), I still think that your affairs are like a White Elephant standing in the room every time you have a serious R talk with your wife, one that both of you steadfastly ttry to ignore, but he's still there. At some point (and shifting metaphors), I think that you're going to have to uncover that wound and treat it, painful as that may be for both of you. This is just my hunch:
If she knows about or suspects the affairs, your coming clean about them may be the KEY INGREDIENT towards helping her to heal from them, forgive, and move on.
Otherwise, rather than face the tough journey of trying to change HERSELF, she will always have your hidden transgressions to point to as an excuse for NOT doing anything. You're the culprit, who continues to hide what he's done. Why should SHE change?
These are just my thoughts, Cinco, so please take them as such. At the very least, you owe her some patience and forgiveness for not changing quickly enough to suit you, or appearing dedicated enough to such change.
-- B.
Last edited by Bagheera; 09/10/0802:54 PM.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
1. you had many affairs, which said Passion wasn't important getting your rocks off was. Can't have true Passion or connection with a stranger.
When sex almost completely stopped with her I thought I could separate sex from love/passion. It was so empty though without love. I was so stupid to think I could have one without the other and realize now I want them together and only with her now.
The other points I'm still not certain that she ever knew there was OW. And if she does to the extent it went. It was more about neglecting her than strutting around saying look what I can do. Remember I was always very secretive about it.
This is more about finding a part of her that has tucked away and hidden and she doesn't want to find again. "We're too old to be doing this anymore", is a recurring theme. After our D was born, she turned away from that part of herself. I can't seem to make her realize without it, we have no marriage. Like you said, "I was ignorant to how important the connection we didn't have anymore was and so was (s)he." This fits us to a "t". Instead of helping her find it again back then, I decided it would never return and then started my stupid secret SL.
I am trying so hard to change this, reconnect with her, have a healthy SL with only her, I don't know if I can though. I don't know that she wants it or me again.
I need to be hit over the head with what I have done. I have hit myself plenty of times.
Every now and then, such on as Labor Day, she can break through those and let herself really enjoy being with you: but it's extremely hard and will be rare, for now.
Yep!!!!!!!!!!!! { I AGREE WITH A LOT OF WHAT B~ SAID.}
When I have glorious rock the world, you blew my mind, I am sweating like I was in a Marathon and ooh It felt so f*cking good. Was when I broke thru, it is hard and it for me is getting less rare. AND IT FELT SO GOOD FOR ME TO LET GO BUT IT IS HARD AS HELL. SCARY AS HELL, if I trust him he will just hurt me again?! This is almost 2.5 years later hon, I agree with B~ its the White Elephant , and she walks around it everyday....
I am not saying confront her or tell her, but even if it was secret to you, to her it was not. I 100% assure it was not.
I could always just feel when hubby was doing wrong. He lied and faked and I still knew. It was like someone wrote it on his face in RED SHARPIE
You still have a long road , love, you need to keep going and let go of expectations...
I do somewhat agree with the others, but I think your W more subconsciously than consciously knows about the OW's.
However...here is what I see as the bottom line...
You are in such a quandary that you are literally going to have to choose for YOURSELF....your wife, the way she is and knowing she may never change....or the life you hope to have, out there, with someone else.
One is a known quantity and the other is a total mystery.
I think you know this, too....I think this is why you have been so reluctant to talk to her, because you know it is either going to boil down to you not getting what you want for the rest of your life but being able to stay married to her, or you going through a lot of pain and heartache for you, your W and your D, so that you can get untangled and be free to pursue other women.
I'm sorry your talk turned into a heated exchange...for whatever it is worth, it sounds to me like you really did a good job at being as calm as possible. Good job, Cinco.
I know you truly love her and you want this with her. But that may not be her choice for herself, so then YOU have to choose for the both of you what may happen.
I feel that you should really just go into self-examination mode right now...about your life, your career, and your marriage. And try not to feel guilty about it, either. Take a really good look at what you really want...I know you really want your wife, but for now, pretend it is truly only about you only....if you could put any pain your W and D would experience from a divorce on a shelf and pretend that part would not be a factor, then what would your choices be?
You're in a difficult place to find what your highest truth really is, because other people's lives are at stake. But you can't be true to them if you are not being true to yourself.
In your wife's mind, yes, this is all about "her giving it up more often" and if she would just change that you would be happy.
But in her mind, this is all about if you would just "love her the way she is and lower your silly sexual urges" and if you would just do that, then she would be happy.
To each of you, it looks like what the other needs to do should be such an easy thing.
From the outside of course, it is obvious that neither of you will be able to accomplish that "easy thing".
Thanks everyone for the thoughts and prayers. I did get a nice kiss from her this morning, not that that means we are "healed", it did feel nice though.
I do have some stuff I have to do today so I'll be back later. So between getting things done and the kiss I'll have a much better attitude.
I am trying so hard to change this, reconnect with her, have a healthy SL with only her, I don't know if I can though. I don't know that she wants it or me again.
I need to be hit over the head with what I have done. I have hit myself plenty of times.
Cinco
You can reconnect.... She wants you or she wouldn't be with you. You don't need to be hit over the head , you need to forgive yourself and start on a new future I gave you a 2x4 cause you aren't putting yourself in her shoes. You are getting angry and letting that shadow over your thoughts. You need more Compassion.
It is in there somewhere. And the older Women comment. she doesnt feel attractive , IMO. She has allowed the troubles in Your M, to make her feel this way.
I get hit on all the time { lately I dunno why ?}
and it doesnt help.... I alone need to make myself feel sexy and my Hubby needs to add to it too. For so long he was saying to me , you aren't good enough by his behavior. And I played right along with him... YUCK~
Give this time honey and keep loving yourself and her. Stop living in the past and forgive her too for not knowing what she is doing by not being the vixen you need.
If you forgave her and started fresh?
What would you do different? Would it come off as ass kissing or just real and genuine cause you love her?
My H bought me A Caddy after one of his episodes... I hated that car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I always pretended to like it and I hated it. It made me feel sick and repulsed.
