(1) X and you don't fit together as a couple anymore.
This does not make one person better or worse than another. It means you don't fit together as a couple. MOST people in the world don't fit together as couples. Your X is an egocentric, selfish ass for thinking that because the R doesn't work for him, there is something wrong with you.
(2) There was a huge problem of codependence in your M. One person cannot do that alone.
There is still a problem of codependence. One person cannot do that alone. X is playing no small role in creating drama and keeping it going. His games—not telling you about the house was ridiculous, his hostility, his abuse. His phone calls. His initiating contact, and so on. He seems to need you to be a wreck. As YOU recognized and noted recently, the more sane you get, the more he falls apart. I don't think that is just a shift in perception. I think it is true. He NEEDS you to be a mess so that his world makes sense to him. He is STILL dependent on you in a very very sick way. He is dependent on your dysfunction. It makes him feel good. It is his drug of choice.
Don't let X feed off of you to feed his addiction.
He is the one with the really sick and ugly co-dependence right now. The stronger and more independent you get, the less he will be able to push your buttons to selfishly put you where he needs you to be.
This is the tie he has to you. It is NOT a tie of love. It is NOT a tie that suggests possible reconciliation, that is not going to happen. Instead this is the tie: making you sick makes him feel good. He has become a sadist to maintain his self-image.
With you feeding his addiction, he avoids having to look at himself.
(3) You are a great person. Your mother couldn't love anyone properly, that is her fault, not yours. Your sister does love you or she wouldn't have come to try to help you. That it didn't work out doesn't mean she doesn't love you. It means the family dynamics are still too hard for her for whatever reason. You have a very full life with many people who like and love you very much. People who are unlovable don't have active social calendars. Your kids love you truly and deeply. They want and need you to be able to accept their love as genuine. Let them love you well. Don't let X's stunts and abuse take that away from them. You deserve better and your kids deserve better.
