He never would have left if he had been happy in our marriage, if I had made him feel loved, respected and appreciated.
Oh PUHLEEZE!
Okay, I don't know your marriage, maybe you were hell on wheels. But one thing I DO know, after all my time here and having met a couple dozen DBers in real life - plenty of FINE people get left by spouses because the SPOUSE has issues.
They seldom leave because of the marriage, often leave because of their own depression or issues.
In fact, given the history of your R with your mom, that probably explains why you put up with so much poop from your H. (My dad died when I was 14, which probably explains why I tried so hard to save my marriage instead of just telling my H to get lost years ago.)
Frankly, I think those people who really were awful, irredeemable spouses don't COME to the DB board and work their butts off the way we all have.
So give yourself a break, and focus on creating a bright new tomorrow. (btw - read in a magazine this week about a woman whose husband cheated on her with her friend and left her. She started an online business selling joke gifts related to divorce - like the ex-husband knife block - and is making a fortune now! :>) )
I have never posted to you before... Your post is so similar to what I posted 5 years ago... I have noticed your very heartfelt and caring posts to FLTC and I think you are a wonderful, warm and compassionate person.
Please don't be so hard on yourself.
Quote:
My mother never really liked me very much. It didn't matter how hard I tried.
Well I am a member of that club. It's okay if your mother doesn't like you. It doesn't mean you are a bad person. I know that one is a tough one to get past... She loves you the best way she knows how... My mother loves me - she just has a tough time liking people that do not do/agree with exactly what she wants - views it as "betrayal." And she gets a little toxic. Please set that aside as a separate issue. It really is not about you.
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My sister doesn't like me. I half raised her.
Sometimes this is just family gunk... My sister loves me but gets confused when faced with divided loyalties involving my mother. Your sister loves you - it is just gets all complicated and confusing when there are other family issues...
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And now, the man who I love, who I vowed to be with, doesn't like me. Even after all these years, and two children--he had to get away from me at all costs, even if it meant loosing everything he had every valued. In fact, he hates me.
The man is an idiot and a fool. Just look at his actions! He has to say what he is saying to justify his actions. He needs you to be evil to avoid facing himself. It has nothing to do with you.
If there is anything you can do at your end - it is believing in yourself. Do not allow this man to beat you down. Sometimes when people cannot face what they have done - they attribute the very characteristics that they hate about themselves on those that are closest to them. I don't understand it myself - it makes no sense - I think it is called projection...
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The people in my life who I have loved most, who have known me best, have all agreed that I am not a good person.
I think your friend cares about you. She wants to be there for you as you find your way to your new life. Let her be there for you.
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My children love me now, because you have to love your mother. It is survival. Unconditional love. I wonder how they will see me as they grow up. I can hazard a guess...
It is so easy to snowball it all together. Please don't lump your children's love for you with the not so great people that unfortunately ended up in your life. Accept their love and put them in the category of people that have the ability to see the real you and love the real you.
I had (still lurking) a whole baggage collection of childhood issues that affected my choices as an adult. Issues that affected my self esteem in a huge way. And those issues came back full force during my D. What you are feeling is normal. Please hang in there and ride it out.
Please be kind to yourself and take care of yourself.
((( Donna ))) Just adding hugs and support- It made me so sad to read your posts, believe me I think most of us here would read it and nod our heads, you said so many things I have said , exactly!
Ellie is so right, look at all these great people on the board! YOU being one, as hard as it is to shake the feeling that it is something we must of done,or we are not as good- it is NOT the truth- ( I still have those feelings so I so understand how you feel)
I will tell you - I felt exactly the same way 4 yrs ago when ex hooked up w/ his GF- why her? whats wrong w/ me?? just like you have, and 2 yrs ago when t hey moved in together, I was crushed. He said he wanted to be alone!!!??? Well this weekend my ex moved out from OW- stating the exact things to her as he did to me. I was floored and here I thought it was me! 4 yrs and 2 living together the blush is gone from that rose! as it always is. How can a R like that last? or at least last happily?
Whatever happens w/ them and who cares, You will be ok Donna, you are SMART, thats obvious from your thread, you are sweet, and a terrific mom. We dont always see eye to eye w/ our loved ones, but they love us and visa versa.
(((( Donna ))) hope you feel better soon and we all love ya!
Be Happy for this Moment, This Moment is your Life
Please listen to everyone. You are a wonderful person.
I've posted to you for a lonngg time.. do you think I'm lying??? I'm not hon.. you're wonderful.
KNOW this.
Doesn't matter if everyone ELSE realizes it.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I don't know what to say....thank you all for the overwhelming support.
I want to get something from this; if nothing else, this illustrated to me something else I have to work on: my self-esteem. I guess I have to thank x for helping me figure out my next steps.
First, it was where my priorities were - I was taking on way too much, spreading myself way too thin. And I wasn't being introspective at all, just rushing through each day to the next thing on autopilot. I am aware, now.
Being aware is hard. It is hard to see, to look inside. Couple those flaws with someone telling you how terrible you are....I am having times of extreme self-hatred. It is easier to hate the gf. But I think it is still all misplaced anger.
What would it mean if I could actually blame x for what has happened (at least for the affair and not committing to trying), for the final fall of our M?
I keep saying that his head has gone through amazing mental gymnastics...I guess mine can, too. But why? Why do I seem to love and need him, no matter what the mental cost to myself, when it isn't deserved?
So, two things for IC today:
1) A concrete plan to build my self-esteem again I have done a lot towards this, but need to do more. (Anyone remember that SNL skit with Guy Smiley? "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darnit, people like me!")
2) Why do I let x off the hook? Why can I forgive him, no matter what he does, at my own expense? What does he represent to me that I am having such a terrible time of letting go of?
What am I actually letting go of? And what is keeping me from doing that?
I keep saying that his head has gone through amazing mental gymnastics...I guess mine can, too. But why? Why do I seem to love and need him, no matter what the mental cost to myself, when it isn't deserved?
Donna, I am not an expert on co-dependency, but I think this need to be loved by him is co-dependent. It is not based on him being a good person who is worthy of your love. You have mentally put yourself in a place where you believe that if he doesn't love you it is your fault because you are not good enough. The truth is that he made a choice that had nothing to do with the person you are, but has to do with the person he is. He has problems, and rather than face them he ran away and made a new life, thinking that would solve his problems. But the reality is that he still has problems, and the fact that he can't even acknowledge that he holds some responsibility in the demise of your marriage is a huge problem. None of us are perfect, we didn't do things perfect in our marriages, but we accept that and were willing to work to make it better. WAS's don't accept responsibility for any wrongdoing.....that is just not normal!
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
I have been thinking a lot about you. Of course my main thought is that I wish you could see what we all do. We know that you are a good and caring person who didn't deserve what she got. You've also been a great support to so many of us here so I know that you have great empathy for others. So how can we help Donna?
Remember last spring and the beginning of summer when you were off the NYC and camping with the kids? Those were happy times for you, times when you knew what you wanted from your new life and a time when you were rebuilding the family. How can you get back there? To me that's the key.
Wallowing is ok and somewhat normal, but you can't do it for any length of time before it starts sucking you backwards and holds you there. You've got to get back on the horse and think about what brings YOU joy. I remember that you were joyful and you were all over the board spreading it around. Find your way back to that place.
We all love you Donna and we all want to see you happy and confident once again!
Donna)))))))))))))))))) just catching up, I'm sorry this has been so hard for you honey)))
This morning I woke up trying to piece which came first, the chicken or the egg (was I totally responsible for stbx loosing it or did his mental illnesses got to him first?) I, you, will NEVER know why things happened the way they did, it is futile to try to piece who did what to whom. This morn I pictured God sadly smiling and shaking his head as he looked at me trying to put humpty dumpty together again, as if I knew what really happened in what order.
It doesn't matter anymore, they are gone, having a GF or not they have chosen not to be with us and that's the bottom line--sure, like you I felt better when i "guessed" he wanst with her, but that was just fooling myself, still holding on to a thread of hope that he wasn't totally gone from my life.
And here is again that phrase my C told me during the final months of heck with stbx: "cat03 doesn't need a man's approval of her worth as a woman, specially stbx's"
Huge hugs and my prayers your way)))))))))))))))) if you haven't yet, read "eat love and pray", it helped me see things in a different prospective.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
(1) X and you don't fit together as a couple anymore.
This does not make one person better or worse than another. It means you don't fit together as a couple. MOST people in the world don't fit together as couples. Your X is an egocentric, selfish ass for thinking that because the R doesn't work for him, there is something wrong with you.
(2) There was a huge problem of codependence in your M. One person cannot do that alone.
There is still a problem of codependence. One person cannot do that alone. X is playing no small role in creating drama and keeping it going. His games—not telling you about the house was ridiculous, his hostility, his abuse. His phone calls. His initiating contact, and so on. He seems to need you to be a wreck. As YOU recognized and noted recently, the more sane you get, the more he falls apart. I don't think that is just a shift in perception. I think it is true. He NEEDS you to be a mess so that his world makes sense to him. He is STILL dependent on you in a very very sick way. He is dependent on your dysfunction. It makes him feel good. It is his drug of choice.
Don't let X feed off of you to feed his addiction.
He is the one with the really sick and ugly co-dependence right now. The stronger and more independent you get, the less he will be able to push your buttons to selfishly put you where he needs you to be.
This is the tie he has to you. It is NOT a tie of love. It is NOT a tie that suggests possible reconciliation, that is not going to happen. Instead this is the tie: making you sick makes him feel good. He has become a sadist to maintain his self-image.
With you feeding his addiction, he avoids having to look at himself.
(3) You are a great person. Your mother couldn't love anyone properly, that is her fault, not yours. Your sister does love you or she wouldn't have come to try to help you. That it didn't work out doesn't mean she doesn't love you. It means the family dynamics are still too hard for her for whatever reason. You have a very full life with many people who like and love you very much. People who are unlovable don't have active social calendars. Your kids love you truly and deeply. They want and need you to be able to accept their love as genuine. Let them love you well. Don't let X's stunts and abuse take that away from them. You deserve better and your kids deserve better.
