Anniversary of a sort

[Torchbearer]

It is a significant day today. One year ago today my H walked out on me and our M. If you've followed my thread at all, you will see that we have been back together since last November/December. While it is not the type of anniversary you celebrate, it is the type that gives me pause and makes you take time to reflect. I often look back at what happened to get us into such a miserable position. More importantly I look at what it took for my H to come back. It took me making a significant change.

This is not a change to my personality, but rather an important behavioral change. I am very passive-aggressive and it is something I work on every day. Some days I deal with it better than others. My H came back because I came to terms with my issues and made a commitment to change, but like Michele says in DB and DR, not just because I made the commitment, but because I truly changed and he saw that in my behavior.

Our first face-to-face meeting came about 2 months after we separated. H would barely speak to me before that, much less see me. After I came to the realization of my PA disorder I sent him a long email addressing this. I asked to meet. He agreed. Then came my time to shine. When we met I followed Michele's guidance. We didn't talk about the M or the R. We made small talk. I wasn't mad or mean like our conversations had gone previously because I was hurting. I rehearsed our meeting. I prepped myself with all kinds of small conversation starters that had nothing to do with our situation. I smiled a lot. I dressed casually, but hot. I basically tried to come off as this was "no big deal." It was a HUGE deal, but I couldn't convey that.

Our next meeting (a week later) was more of the same, but better. I really WAS doing better by that point. I was coming to terms with things, the way my life probably was going to be, etc. We went to a movie. Made light conversation - even laughed. Actually laughed quite a bit. After the movie we went to my car so I could give him his mail. He asked how I was doing. I honestly said, "OK." Then I asked how he was doing. That was when the wall came down.

I won't bore you with the rest of the details, you can read them on my threads. But my point is, today I think about those things. I think about what lead to his leaving and the deterioration of our marriage. I think about what got us back together. I think about what I need to continually do to make sure we don't slide back into our old habits. So far so good.